My son is almost 19, doesn't work due to mental health issues, stays at home & smokes weed most days, his room is disgusting (I rent), he does no chores & is rude & nasty to me, sometimes violent, I want him out but he won't go, I also have a 17 year old who he makes his home uncomfortable.
I've told him to go many times & he says that's what you always say but you don't do anything about it, I feel like I'm back in the abusive relationship like with his father....
What would you do? Things are ok right now but going downhill again...
Lazy teen...
Lazy teen...
Posted in:
Teenagers, Drugs & Alcohol
43 Replies
He's an adult now. He needs to move out and stand on his own two feet since he refuses to participate with basic household requests. Follow though this time.. Give him a date to be out. Does he see a doctor for his mental health issues? He has gotten away with getting his own way for too long, and they start seeing their parents as soft. He's bordering on violence now so its time he leaves.
Phone a young adult hostel and ask if they have any beds available as once he is in the system, he will get the support and recovery tools that he needs to be able to function better. They also help with study options and job preparation. I work in such hostels. Sometimes young adults need that extra help that they aren't getting in the home due to, at times, their own rebellion, disobedience and drug abuse issues.
24/7 support therapy programs in a helpful home based setting goes a long way for troubled and / or disadvantaged youth and young adults.
He needs help. You can't just tell a 19 year old on centrelink to get out, nobody will give him accommodation for starters. He sounds severely depressed and weed won't be helping that at all, temporarily yes but not the condition. Instead of attacking him try talking to him, get him some help.
I disagree you absolutely can and at time do need to tell the 19 year old to get out.
Not a dig but as an eye opener: My son is 17 and I’ve been abused, hit, screamed at, called a c**t, s**t, b***h, threatened with knives, had holes punching into my walls, verbally abused his siblings, threatened to slit their throats and I don’t even want to try and remember the times that we’ve had the cops rock up or an ambulance to take him away for his (and our) own safety. It spirals around every 6 weeks he’ll start losing it. This is medicated, this is mental health supported. The moment he stops taking his tablets (yes every 6 weeks when he’s feeling better) it starts. I can’t force the tablets down his throat, if I did I’d be the bad guy and in sooo much trouble for it, I can’t make him have them (I’ve begged and pleaded) All I can do is call the cops when it gets bad again and hope we catch the downfall in time. Heck I can’t even get a protective order to keep us safe cause he’s still a ‘child’ (legally).
The OP provided very little information in my opinion on the ‘living situation’ with her 19 year old. Personally I think she barely touched the surface. She said he’s violent - no one deserves to stay in a situation where their is violence, even if the perpetrator is their 19 year old ‘child’.
If it’s anything like what I’ve been though then the last thing she wants to hear is she ‘can’t tell a 19 year old on Centrelink to get out’. He’s an adult (legally), he is responsible for his mental health (she can support him but can’t make him do anything).
OP, I feel for you. I’m sure you are feeling tremendous guilt even thinking about wanting to put your kid out on the streets but remember you can’t help him if he doesn’t want help and I’m sure you’ve tried a lot of things in the past. Suggest some shelters (google might help you find some for your area), if necessary when it gets bad call the police and ask them to remove him. If you’re at risk leave the house (with your other child/children) to make the call. You say you feel like you’re in a DV situation again (but with your son) give the DV service a call and ask for some advise too.
Sometimes you have to give tough love to give the child the reality check they need. Hope it works out for you.
Well you're not much of a parent if you just tell your mentally ill 18 year old child to just "get out" and this is coming from someone that left home at 16 and was fully independent from that age. That was 25 years ago though and a lot has changed in Australia since then. There's no cheap accommodation left for people in limbo, especially not 18 year old males. Younger people and females will get priority over him. Centrelink also has changed so these young people are forced to rely on their parents, you can't go on your own with no money. It is really hard to get a job if you don't have the confidence to nail an interview or you don't have a resume and don't know where to start with one. Add to that the little courses you need to have done for basic jobs now. For a mentally ill teenager that's never had to do much for themselves it can be really overwhelming and just put in the too hard basket.
You don't just stop being a parent because your kid turns 18. In 5 years time this kid could be all grown up and looks back on this part of his life knowing he was a little turd but he will also know who turned their back on him and there's a good chance he won't want anything to do with them. He needs help first - mental health - job - independence. Doing it any other way will land him on the streets or worse.
Different poster, also as a mother of an older violent teen myself, you have no idea lady! Why don't you take the adult into your home then since you believe the trash line 'can't just kick him out'.
He's violent and on the road to becomming a self distructive drug addict too so she sure as hell CAN kick him out! And should!
How about, since you're so fucking hell bent on 'his' violent rights over his own mothers safety, take him into your home to live then? Fool.
How about parents don't just kick their kids out to become society's problem? She has said nothing about actually helping him, just that she always tells him to leave. He replies with "you keep saying that but you don't do anything about it". Could that not be him asking for help? Yes kids need help, even the agro ones that grew up in a DV home and know nothing else.
First replied: How about society make more services available for adult and child alike.
And please don’t tell me there are plenty of services there just aren’t. Psychiatrist have massive waiting lists (that’s if you’re lucky to afford the cost of one), psychologist have massive waiting lists (again if you can afford to have one) IF you’re lucky to find one that fully bulk bills then you’re lucky if by the time you’re ready to fully open up they haven’t gone to another practice.
If you get a free one through say, child youth and mental health, don’t forget when you turn 21 your kicked out of that service and transferred to the adult equivalent of mental health support and there are by far bigger waiting lists for that support than one for a young person.
Child youth and mental health also have a waiting list, but first they wanna assess you cause like ALL mental health support services it’s voluntary.
So if the young person doesn’t wish to attend - FILE CLOSED. Oh man you can (as a parent) beg, pleaded, cry and scream for them to help your child. Even ask them to put the child in hospital to assure their safety (and yours), They’ll ask you “can you keep yourself/child safe” wanna know what happens when you say no? They report you to child safety. Child safety then come out and talk to you. You cry, explain, beg for help but cause you’re a ‘good parent’ doing everything you can for your child (trying to get them help and support) they CLOSE FILE.
They talk to the child “do you have active plans to harm yourself or anyone else” if they say no - FILE CLOSED.
If they say yes (and good luck getting an ambivalent youth to say yes) you might be lucky to get them in hospital for the night IF they have the capability to taken them. You know the beds are usually full right?
Otherwise they’ll give you a mental health number to call if you’re at any time worried about your child. One that takes 45mins plus to be answered, and then you get told ‘if you’re worried’ call an ambulance.
Throw in violent, tried to protect yourself from a violent young person with mental health issues? Tried to do it with other young people in the house? You can’t talk to a young person (or even an adult) suffering from an acute mental health episode. You just can’t. And god forbid drugs being involved. It’s weed now but what happens if she doesn’t realise it’s something else? What if the weed is the cause for the mental health issues? I mean omg?! Should I keep going?
So yes, sometimes for your own safety and that of others on the house as a GOOD parent you HAVE to ask your legally adult child to leave. Because at the end of the day, if the OP writes in, in a few months time and says ‘my mentally unwell 18 year old son had a breakdown and rammed a knife into my other child’ she’s going to be told ‘she should have kicked him out before it got this bad’ THEN where will you be supporting her for letting the young person stay cause she’s ‘not much of a parent’ for kicking him out now?
To the comment just above this one, you ROCKED that response. I sas thinking the same... the nasty lady above who has made the OP feel like shit for needing her adult son to leave, will be the first on here bitching how was he allowed to stab and god forbid kill one or more family members because he had been allowed to stay.. Its easy for those not in a situation of DV to comment with such uneducated dribble.
He is the product of DV. Did you guys not read the post?
And you all agree to kick him out now before he gets help, you know what that means don't you? He is on the streets. Nobody will give him a place. Even with a job. He won't get much of a job without a clean drug screen which means shit pay, and 18 is still junior.
I don't know maybe I'm different but I wouldn't put a kid out on the street like that. Especially since this behaviour hasn't just happened, she's had 6 years to sort this out (from being a teenager). Yes I know all about the mental health system for teenagers I have had one of my kids through it myself.
Kicking them out does not mean on the street homelessness . It just means kicking him out of the house. Not to the kerb.
Wow wait... what did I just read? ‘She’s had 6 years to sort this out (from being a teenager)?! To sort out his mental health?! You do know right that mental health is a life long condition that ebbs and flows and while she could help him get to ‘sort it out’ today, tomorrow or even next week it might not be the same. You can go weeks, years or a life time trying to ‘sort out mental health’ and while you might have periods of calm it’s not always the case. Everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like she’s at hers. He’s now an adult, he’s got to want to change. He’s got to want help for his mental health issues. If he doesn’t want help what more can she do?! Where does she draw the line? If 18/19 is to young should she wait till he’s 20? 21? 22?
She draws the line WHEN she needs to. WHEN she can’t help him anymore. WHEN he’s a risk to get or the other child.
Yes I read he’s likely to be a witness/survivor/victim of DV but that doesn’t give him the right to now be the perpetrator of DV either. There are plenty of children that witness or are subjected to DV and never grow to be adults that commit acts of violence, likewise there a plenty of people with mental health issues that don’t either.
This is almost like saying a man that commits DV against a wife shouldn’t ever be kicked out if he was a victim of DV as a child, cause he’s got no where to go, he doesn’t know better, it’s not his fault right? But I don’t ever read people telling those ladies that write in saying ‘my partner was a victim of DV as a child and abused me but I don’t wanna kick him out cause he’s got no where to go’ being told to let him stay and help him.
Oh for fucks sake. I stopped reading your post the second I saw you go off track with '6 years to sort out mental health'. That's not what I meant.
I agree, what a lot of shit justifying abandoning your child when they need your help the most.
What a load of shit justifying abusive and violent behaviour in an adult ‘child’ when shes probably tried to help time and time again and they don’t want help.
She isn’t his partner, she’s his mother and she needs to fight for him.
I don’t care how old he is.
I’ve been through this, you don’t give up on mentally unwell people.
Another commenter here. To the lady above who said she's been through this, and to fight for him, so if you have all the answers tell us step by step how you went about it since it was obviously so successful. Tell us step by step what he was doing. Was your 19yo bashing you, stealing from you, taking drugs in your home, and all other manner of disruption? Did you have to protect younger kids from him but yet still let him stay at the constant risk of severe and ongoing abuse and drug use? Well did you?
I somehow doubt very much you kept an adult with behavious like that in your home.
Yes, don't give up on mental health people like you stated, but it doesn't mean they get to stay while you and your family tolerate vile and scary behaviour.
Also not everything is a mental health card. He could very well just be a nasty shit of a toxic person just because.
A parent or not, NO BODY deserves to put up with horrific behaviour from any body! He no doubt needs help but that can also be acheived while he's out of the house by other family members and professionals. Being asked to leave is NOT the same as being disowned.
You’re making stuff up that he does that isn’t even in her post....
He didn’t deserve to live in a dv home either....but here we are.....he couldn’t throw out his parents, could he? You’re right, NO ONE deserves that, especially an innocent child.
He's 19, with mental health issues with inhibit his ability to work. How, and why, is it acceptable that now he is an "adult" you can just kick him out?
What services have you engaged with and what support is he receiving for his MH?
My answer decides on the following ... how is he accessing weed ?
If he’s doing it himself- then he’s cognitive and able enough to hold down at the very least of a part time job.
If your supplying... STOP.
I’ll respond more once I know how the weed is being supplied
You need support, if he refuses to attend appointments with Psychiatrist/Psychologist then it might be time to make those really tough decisions. I know police who have attended and placed AVOs against child in home and held discussion with them about their behaviour. There is no doubt in my mind this will be so hard for you but you and remaining children deserve to feel safe and he needs to know you will call him out on his behaviour if he refuses to get help. This looks like some possible self-medicating on his part and if he was under the management of a Psychiatrist for example he may get the help he so desperately needs before this gets worse. Also remember you are able to reach out for help from a Psychologist/DV Counselling as well, I hope you all get the help needed here x
You exposed him to dv, created this extremely unhappy and self destructive individual, now you want to kick him out. Pffff....let me guess, you didn’t leave because you “loved him”. Nah, you don’t get to wash your hand of this, you get him the help he needs and you fight for it. He was an innocent child and you’ve ruined his life, time to give back and help him get on track.
Are you actually serious?!
So it’s her fault she was in a DV situation?!
Wow I’m actually speechless.
And yes, I have a shitload of experience with mental health. Years of getting my bipolar mother the treatment she didn’t want.
I didn’t give up on my mum and I sure as hell wouldn’t give up on my own child.
Did you live with said mum tho as an adult? Bit different when you live with them. Its much, much harder.
As hard as this is to hear, its true. Staying with an abusive partner is letting your kids be abused too. I say it as someone who was in a DV relationship and I will never forgive myself for staying in it as long as I did. Two out of 4 of my kids have taken trauma with them to adulthood, one of them fought my ex off me as he tried to strangle me. I'm so lucky none of them have anger issues, one of them did at 14/15 but he's now 18 and amazing.
Sounds more like his father has ruined his life. It’s not the mothers fault she was abused
Yes, absolutely lived with her, if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be the same thing.
Psychotic episodes, in and out of mental health, shock treatment, you have no idea.
But you don’t give up.
So you were her prime carer? Thats what i was getting at.
I also note the heading of the post”lazy”.....not violent, not dangerous, just lazy.
He’s not an ice addict.....he smokes weed.
I also don’t get any feelings of guilt or accountability from the mother...
Yessssssss....do you get it?
Living together....taking her to appointments, making her take medication, meeting with psyches, admittance to hospital....
Where I come from....you,don’t give up on family, especially your own child, when it comes to mental health.
Haha righto you nasty woman, play it down about your mother all you like because i bet you wouldnt have lived with her if she became violent to you. And thats what the OP fears as her adult son has come very close it. Your situation was nothing remotely like hers , 🤣
Maybe the OP is embarrassed her son abuses her which is why she chose to title it as lazy not abusive.
Maybe she doesn’t know he does ice and thinks it just weed?
Having been around someone going though both a weed come down and an ice/meth come down - both are unpleasant and subjective to the individual as to the abuse that comes from it. I actually found a meth come down easier to deal with. They slept most of the time, abusive, then ate, then slept again. The weed come down they were awake most of the time and picking fights 🤷🏻♀️
I felt the OP was exhausted. And quite minimal in her explanation on all accounts. Probably just wanted advise and not blame.
Now you’re changing the facts?
He’s an ice addict now?
Honestly, how do you reason with someone that changes the facts to suit their narrative?
The commenter above didn't change ANY facts, dumb dumb.. She SUGGESTED that as a MAYBE.
No one changed facts all that was said was ‘maybe’. I think a lot of replies are based on ‘maybe’.
There is far to little context in the OPs post for anyone to know the extend of which she’s
A) helped with the mental health issues
B) what the kids mental health issues are
C) how long she’s been trying to get him help (assuming she has)
D) the impact drug use is having on the kids mood and behaviour
E) the extend of which the kid was exposed to DV (she ‘could’ have left while pregnant having endured DV prior to his birth. There’s nothing to suggest the other child is or is not the product of the same relationship.
F) the extend on which the violence has been. Did he hit her? Did he throw stuff at her? Neither of which is okay but what does ‘violent’ look like for the OP and her family?
I think this post has really triggered a lot of people and that’s okay, I don’t necessarily think anyone is wrong with their advice. I just think it’s wise to be mindful that each person has a maximum capacity of which they can handle any given situation. Someone can fight for their child well into adulthood and finally get the help that is needed. And as you can read some adult children then fight for their parents to get the help they need......but at the end of the day some people don’t have the skills or support around them so they step away for their own mental health or their own safety. Neither is wrong. She’s not wanting to kick out a 12 year old. She’s not saying she wants to cut him off completely, she just wants him out of the house. Maybe out of the house will give him the little push needed to help himself, maybe not either .... no one really knows.
This poor OP is probably feeling gutted and hurt 😔 I feel for her. Both for what she’s going through and for some of the comments suggesting she’s not been a good enough parent to this kid. I bet she’s done the best she can, and isn’t that all she can do? her best? When you know better you can do better and maybe with the right support she could help her son and keep him at home, but only she is able to decide where to draw the line and what’s to much for her to handle.
Wrong!!! You obviously have absolutely no idea what being a victim of DV is like. You also have zero facts about the foundations of the relationship. It’s because of people like you that we have these issues. The mother is not responsible, the father the perpetrator is!!!
Don't tell him yuou want him out in the heat of it then forget all about it. My mother said that to me a few times (much younger than 19) but I've never forgotten it.
In the cold light of a nice day, you tell him it's time for him to fly. You'll help him do it, you want to be there and you want to see him succeed and you know you'll get on better as well when he has his own space and is being an adult out in the world, you'll always be there for him.
Now this, this is the right approach.
He is a adult if he is abusive then ring the Police and have him removed. Tell him if he doesn’t get a job then he is to leave and find somewhere else to live. How sad for him.
Big hugs,
The pot will only make everything worse, he is self medicating to make everything feel better but what chills out gets wound up if not actually worked out.
I think you need to set ground rules, no weed in the house or you will call the cops
no violence or you will call the police and have him removed.
he needs a list of jobs to contribute to the house.
He must pay rent to you (board what ever you want to call it no adult lives for free)
If gaming is his issue turn of the home internet, hot spot the younger kid when needed from a portable wifi device or your phone.
offer to take him to the doctor to get his health in order, remind him you love him and want him to be a good member of society.
don't pay for his phone, outings, no cash at all. only provide essentials food and a roof.
get him to sign a contract to this effect.
If he doesn't like he he must find his own accommodation.
if he knows your key card/ credit card details change them. Don't be played
The hard bit will be sticking to your word, he might be your son but letting him treat you likes this continues the cycle. You must stand up for yourself and your younger child. He must also learn that mental illness isn't an excuse for being an arsehole.