Hi ladies.
I'm not sure where to go from here in my marriage. My husband doesn't want anyone know what he has done, I've respected his wishes. I have no one to talk to. We have been together for 14 years. 3 young children. I thought we were soul mates (whatever that means). I loved him so much. I thought he was a good, honest, caring person with good values. He's a health professional. So proud of our achievements together. Just wanted to raise our children together and grow old with this man. He was my best friend. We live a blessed life. I thought we had a good sex life, he never said anything to the contrary.
He was always very overweight and 3 years ago he had weight loss surgery, he changed after that. Much more confident in himself. He has always looked at porn, several times a week. I kind of thought it was normal for blokes to look at it occasionally. I didn't make a big deal about it. Discovered 2years ago he was hosting his own porn picture blog, sharing images on his page with others. I'm shocked. Asked him if he communicates with others, he says no just sharing and liking pics. I'm very mistrusting.
18 months ago he begins acting really weird. Going for drives alone at night, short tempered with me and the kids. I try and be empathetic. Give him time to de-stress. He says he is overworked and tired. I become more mistrusting. I search his phone. Find a Facebook conversation he has been having with an old work colleague. He confesses his love for her, let's her know he was the one that was sending her anonymous gifts and flowers over the last 12 months. She isn't interested. They agree to cease contact. I communicate with her. She says nothing else happened. I ask her to have nothing more to do with us. She agrees.
My husband and I have a big heart to heart. unpack everything. Discuss everything. I ask all the questions. He says nothing else happened. No one else. Never been unfaithful other than this. Analyse our relationship. Agree we want to make it work. Make changes. Spent time together. Things are looking up. But I'm still suspicious.
I begin obsessively looking through FB, phone records, bank statements, Google location data, computers, phones. I discover he has been contacting prostitutes while on work trips. Doing this for at least 2.5years. Arranging to meet them. Getting cash out to pay for them. He vehemently denies actually meeting them or touching them. He says it started with hours of porn, led to looking a escort listings etc. He says it was a fantasy he took too far. He is ashamed of what he did, hates seeing me so upset. I will never know the truth. I've had to have STD checks. I've been in so much pain and torture since. I keep picturing him with a sex worker. In the first 2 months following finding out I lost 10kg, couldn't eat. I've never felt so sick. I'm now on medication. Hours of marriage counselling.
I've asked everything I can. There's no way to prove or disprove anything. Only his word, which isn't worth much. So confused. What the hell have I done to deserve the horrible person. I'm scared of what he is capable of. How can you wave goodbye to your wife and young kids. 2hours later begin contacting prostitutes. Then come home like nothing happened.
How many other people he's been with? Did I ever actually know him?
My confidence in completely gone. What is wrong with me?
I've asked him to stop looking at porn. Clearly it's the catalyst. He can't/won't stop. He now seems to prefer masterbation with porn rather that sex with me.
I refuse to be a single parent. I refuse to put my kids through that. I don't want divorce. I'm trying to put all my focus into my kids. I'm so fearful and regretful. I keep hoping time will heal.
I don't know what happened to my life. I'm 36 and wish I could hit reset on my life.
Any advice welcomed.
Marriage and infidelity
Marriage and infidelity
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
16 Replies
No. Not clearly porn is the catalyst.at some point you need to realise youre with a dog cheater. He just is. you won't talk it out of him. You cant salvage it. He is, was and will be.
You've had all the signs. How much more can you hang around for?
What's so bad about being single that being with that is the better option?
And you've agreed to not tell anyone and seek your own support? Wow huge alarm bells. You NEED to talk this out and worry about yourself here.
Refuse to be a single mum?
Refuse to put your kids through a divorce?
Change your mindset.
My kids deserve happy, healthy parents.
My kids deserve to live in a happy, healthy household, even if it is two.
Do it for your kids, not despite them.
Time to step up and step out.
Don’t use him as your protection from the big, scary world.
It’s great out there, working hard and achieving success all on your own.
This has already turned toxic, you’re playing detective, the jig is up, you’ve seen under the mask, you can’t unsee it.
Don’t delay the inevitable.
Things are not going to magically go back to how they were, he hasn’t even disclosed the whole truth, he’s still lying/deceiving you, ignorance is bless, until you aren’t ignorant anymore. Then it’s just hell.
From one single mum to another, be brave, be strong, you’ve got this.
We aren’t second class citizens and a lot of us are living very fulfilling and happy lives.
Lying is one of the hardest things to forgive when its repetitive behaviour. If it's a once off, it 'can' be salvagable through councilling. You're tourchering yourself , as you've said, you don't even know if he has or hasn't, its possibly an assumption as you have your guard up now regarding the porn, but it also might not be.
Regardless you'll never trust him again now. Even if its all in your own head.
I hope you find peace.
you refuse to be a single mum, so you don’t want out.
He won’t change or give up porn, he’s said that.
Have you considered an open relationship? Where there’s no guilt in seeing others? Honestly sounds like the only way forward with a person like him
Doesn't sound like your marriage is a better environment for the kids.
Why are you respecting his wishes to keep it quiet when he hasn’t respected you or your marriage? Go and talk to your family or friends. You need to talk to someone! Maybe your family or friends can help you understand that being a single parent is not a bad thing. Your kids deserve a happy mum, and you won’t be happy if you stay. He will keep doing this because you are letting him get away with it. He’s said he’s not going to change, so you do. You need to stop accepting being treated like this.
This!
Please stop allowing his behaviour by keeping quiet. There is no measure on him to improve, he's just **cking with your head every day. My ex was the best liar you could meet. Wouldn't know the truth if it up and bit him. Lived in a parallel universe. Had a role with public standing. I kept quiet for two years and he just kept doing his shit. She stalked me. His boss came and visited me. All manner of shit went down. When I finally left everyone said how surprised they were, how we looked like the happy couple. Most people still don't have any idea what went down. I worked out later that he even had the psychologist under his spell... Talk to trusted family and friends. They will give you perspective and strength. His choices are ruining his world, you are not ruining his world. Stop letting him put it back on you.
Mumma please respect yourself enough to leave. Stop fighting for a man who likes to live in secrecy. Speak to your family, kick his arse out. Leopards never change their spots. Kids deserve a happy life you deserve a happy life. Right now your on a cycle of going round. Break it and find you again. But kick him out
When I first started reading your post I thought "I could have written this" but then it kept going. I feel for you having to go through this.
I went through the first part - the website thing. I caught my (brand new, maybe 2 months) husband, had been on this sex chat website for over a year. In my mind, my marriage was done. I was done. I didn't want this in my life. I packed up a small amount of belongings and went back to my parents, in the middle of the night (after I had called him raging) when he was away on a work trip.
I personally didn't give af what my husband wanted - I guarantee he didn't want my family to know what happened - but I spoke to my mum who then spoke to my dad. So both knew about it. I was ready to end it, until my mum and dad spoke to me about it.
That was 3 years ago. I still get worried sometimes, and my subconscious always tells me to check his computer (because that's where I found it before). I've never found anything again. However, at the reconciliation after these events, I said flat out, if anything happens again, I'm out. So I'd hope he's taken that on board lol.
I think you need to talk to your family if you have that relationship with them. Or a close friend if that's better for you. He can't expect you to not seek counsel with a close relative/friend about something so big in your relationship.
I will be frank, if I was in your situation, after all those many times. I would be leaving. I know it is difficult with the kids, but you need to live for you and not only the kids. They will be able to sense that you're not happy.
Good luck.
I don’t think you are seeing things clearly. If he contacted prostitutes and withdrew large amounts of cash, then that is proof that he slept with them. There is nothing wrong with you. He is just an asshole. Porn does not cause cheating. It has nothing to do with it. Many men use porn and never cheat. I know it sounds hard right now, but if you leave, both you and your children will have a happier better life.
Switch your thinking.
Being a single parent isn’t bad for you or your children. In fact it will probably be the best thing you ever do. It certainly was the happiest part of my adult life.
Making that choice to leave is hard, but once it’s done the weight of the world is gone and you can be yourself again.
Please don’t think it’s bad, it’s truly amazing to come out the other side of that toxic tunnel.
As for not telling anyone, screw him. He’s done the wrong thing, he hurt you and you have every right to seek support and help and advice from whomever you choose. He needs to own his actions and deal with whatever consequences that has. If a friend of family member knows then so be it, tough shit for him.
You need your nearest and dearest by your side right now, you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.
Having your children watch their mum be torn to shreads emotionally and not eat because of the stress of a marriage. Why would you want your children growing up thinking thats ok. End it. You don't deserve it, and the kids would probably appreciate a happier mother.
Why live like this and be constantly worrying and stressing who hes talking to or what porn hes watching. That isn't a life.
Found and made contact with escorts and money taken out at the same time.... but he didn't do anything.... BULLSHIT!
My EX husband used to go out and come home and make up all kinds of bullshit why in the middle of the night there were big amounts missing from our bank account. I started calling the local brothel (we only had one in the town we lived in) and asking what he would get for the amounts that were missing from our account. My gut instinct knew what he was doing but just took me about a year to catch him out and prove it.
He stopped having sex with me, would watch porn when i went out (would leave the tape in the video player)... Its not porn that is the catalyst, its these bastards that disrespect us and have no morals.
I thought there was something the matter with me too... but then i realised it wasn't me, he was just a piece of shit and i deserved alot better in my life. He ended up doing exactly the same thing to his second wife, except she stuck around for a bit longer which she regrets hugely now!
You don't want to be a single mum , you don't want a divorce.... Let me tell you , it was the best thing i ever did was leave. I have a new husband now and my daughter, myself and my new incredibly hugely better husband was worth every second of that pain so i would leave to find true happiness.
This will send you crazy until you have no choice but to end it, but definitely don't think that means the end for your happiness, your new happiness will look much brighter than this psychological hell you are going through now.
He does not deserve you.
You haven’t done anything to cause this, there is nothing wrong with you.
It was not a fantasy taken too far.
He has a sex addiction that needs to be addressed.
I’ve been through the porn stuff with my husband & he has since seen a psychologist and worked through his addiction.
Personally if he had ever cheated on me with a real life person our relationship would not have been salvageable.
I get the whole bot wanting to be a single mum etc but try to look at it in the way of what your children could possible go through if you two remain married and attempt reconciliation.
This may be more unhealthy then actually parting ways.
What you do in the end is wholeheartedly your choice but just realise that you deserve so much more than this & you 100% deserve to be happy.
Forgiveness and trust is a very hard thing to get back.
Firstly bloody wake up to yourself. You are not the problem here, he is!!! How would you feel when your kids find all this out. He won’t ever stop so stop protecting him and trying to make it work. You are past that. Think of your kids. Put all your effort into those kids. They deserve your time and effort. Not some lying cheating husband. He’s a grub for putting you at risk. He is a scum for doing this to his kids and you! He should be begging you for forgiveness. Stop trying to make it better now. You are watering a dead plant and will be accepting any of his behaviour soon just to hold on to him. He would still be lying to you. Show your kids to be strong and stand up and not put up with this crap! He is a lying dog. Stop blaming yourself. You can’t help it that he is a lying, cheating pig! Pick yourself up, get dressed up and go out with friends and enjoy a night out and have some fun. Do something for you. It’s bloody hard to let go but once you do. You will never look back. As harsh as it sounds, wake up to yourself. You are amazing! You are worth more. He is a lying dog! Get rid of him before he completely destroys you and you have nothing left in you. Fight for your kids, fight for respect and fight for your own life and freedom. Without him!