Not always!

Anonymous

Not always!

One thing I’m finding so familiar on this page - the need to constantly brand people!

The minute a poster asks a question about behaviours or situations they are unsure how to handle, the immediate response is: RED FLAG, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THATS ABUSE, LEAVE HIM, GASLIGHTING, HES CONTROLLING YOU, WALK AWAY....like seriously?
Please take a moment to consider, that we are not all perfect!
We all do things, that are sometimes not right.
We all make mistakes.
We all come across situations, we are unsure how to handle.
We all loose it sometimes.
We all have our breaking points, ALL OF US!
We all say and do things we regret later.

This does not make us bad humans; it means we are normal.
It’s ok for you to have an opinion, or think something is wrong - but please be mindful of the direct advice your giving.
Not everything is black and white. Many of us have arguments or disagreements with friends or partners - that’s a NORMAL part of life. Imagine if we all had the same view and agreed on everything; that’s just impossible. Just because we may say or do something in anger, doesn’t always mean it’s intentional or that we don’t love somebody - sometimes it just means we have reached our breaking point.
Take our children for example, getting upset and raising our voice and acting out of character because they have pushed our patience, doesn’t mean we don’t love them or are gaslighting them or controlling them or being abusive or love them less - it just means we have reached our limit.

Please don’t brand EVERY situation as abusive just because you feel it is. You are only receiving ONE side of the story (the writers) and by giving a direct branding of the other parties actions, it totally invalidates the actions of the poster that may contribute to this situation.

(Obviously directly abusive actions are very different to this - I’m not downplaying the importance of being alert to these actions - that’s a whole different thing. Yes, sometimes questions expressed on this page are shocking, genuine traits and clearly not acceptable, and very worthy of being branded as such)

Posted in:  Behaviour

22 Replies

Anonymous

I generally don't tell women to leave their relationships unless it's bleedingly obvious they need to.
I'm also not one to use whatever the current catch phrase is (narcissist, gaslighter etc) because I actually find that slightly condescending and they're terms that are often inappropriately used.

Having said that:
I'm not going to stop pointing out "red flags" in these posts when I see them.
Breaking point or not, some behaviours aren't acceptable.
If I see something in a person's post that is toxic and unhealthy - I'm gonna point it out.
If I see a pattern of behavior in a person's post that points to abuse, I'm going to express that too because a lot of people don't realise or they're somewhat in denial about being in an abusive situation until someone directly tells them.

I see so many women write in here who are in desperately fucked up situations, who put up with way too much disrespect, who are treated like servants, who are perpetually cheated on and that's just a drop in the ocean of things I've seen in my time visiting this page.

Yes, we all need to be careful with advice and language we use here but we also need to be careful not to skirt around issues as well.

like
Anonymous

Same, and they often in these desperately fucked up situations because the early warning signs were down played.

like
Anonymous

I hate the 'Red Flags' and 'Alarm Bells' comments too. So over used and over copied . There are way more descriptive words to use than the same words and phrases that every Man and his Dog use. See what i did there. Annoying isn't it.

like
Anonymous

Just because you hate commonly used phrases doesn't mean other people can't use them.

I see a lot of clichés used here, they often make me groan because they're cheesy but they're usually still valid.

We don't get to police how other people speak, communicate or get their point across.

like
Anonymous

People don't seem to write in if its a once off behaviour. Usually its because its a reoccurring behaviour and they've attempted to resolve the issues without success already. So they write in. Ask what others would do and normally if the behaviour is a constant and a deal breaker kind of behaviour they get the appropriate advice. Red Flags are pretty obvious and only an idiot would continue a relationship with someone that hit them/cheat on them very early in the relationship and then continue to be treated that way accept it and then ask advice on it and get told to leave.

If this forum was around when i met my ex i would have written in. Got given the advice that it wasn't normal behaviour and to leave if they chose not to get help and made the decision to leave. Not hung around hoping i could fix him especially when he didnt want help.

like
Anonymous

Oh there she is, you're one of 'those' posters.

Sometimes that 'only an idiot' you speak of isn't at the right moment to just leave. These things can be very complex and take years to walk away due to risk of homelessness , further abuse, and money worries. You have no idea how vulnerable that idiot you speak of is. My mother stayed 12 years with a violent, violent man before her own death was what finally released her. I look back and hate her for it. Why couldn't she just leave?

Because leaving is sometimes worse and a lot of people don't have that support and back up to help them . Least of all a bunch of 'just leave him ' armies who think it really is just that simple. And when she doesn't, she's labled an idiot like you just did. Sometimes leaving isn't a choice, but if it is, and the full supports are there, then there's really no excuse not to.

like
Anonymous

I feel like they were also referring to themselves as an idiot. They said that they would have also posted in if this sort of thing was around in their day and may have not stuck around as long in an unhealthy relationship 🤷‍♀️

like
Anonymous

Her explanations were in two different paragraphs relating to two different things . She was definitely labling women who don't leave as idiots.

like
Anonymous

Oh no, im also labelling myself as an idiot.

Im an idiot for ignoring the red flags, im an idiot for staying the first time he went psycho at me, im an idiot for staying after he cheated on me the first time, and then the second time. Im an idiot for staying that forst time he dropped me on my arsw whilst pregnant. Im an idiot for ignoring the red flags that were being waved in front of my face whilst we were dating that i then thought it would be a good idea to move in with him because maybe i could fix him and turn him into a better person. Maybe he wouldnt do that to me. Maybe thats how life just was because he was the type of guy my mum used to say was the good guy. If they hurt you they like you right??

Yep i see people who ignore the very visible red flags as idiots but at the same time im calling myself an idiot. Maybe if more people pointed out red flags and warning signals then there would be less women in relation -shits and more being asked to be shown respect and to be treated well. Instead of tearing women down that say. This is not right. Thats a warning sign, thats a massive red flag, leave before you get so involved you cant get out. we would have less women dying in DV situations and we would be saving more lives. Instead of saying oh hunni what did you say that made him flip like that? Are you sure you didnt do anything to provoke them?? Im a lucky one whos therapist yep my therapist made me see that my life was not that of a lucky woman but of a woman that was trapped who then spent months wondering if she was going to die the next time he showed up. Or refused to sleep with him or show an interest in him. Im the one who's friends waited patiently on the side lines to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and soul. Who helped put me back together so i could live again in a happy well rounded relationship.

Yes i know its not easy to get out, i know how hard it was for me to get out. Maybe idiot isnt the right word to use. Sorry it was the wrong word to use. I get that.

I actually cant think of another word. Maybe just people. But i refer to myself as the idiot who chose to stay because i couldnt see a way out and didnt want to do it on my own. Until i did.

like
Anonymous

Also i ask

WHAT WORDS DO YOU WANT US TO USE TO DESCRIBE RED FLAGS OR WARNING SIGNS

instead of the obvious words which are already being used.

Oh thats a really shitty situation your in its not safe. Please make sure you can get somewhere safe especially when he finds out you wrote that post and hes gonna beat your arse until you die.

like
Anonymous

Also i ask

WHAT WORDS DO YOU WANT US TO USE TO DESCRIBE RED FLAGS OR WARNING SIGNS

instead of the obvious words which are already being used.

Oh thats a really shitty situation your in its not safe. Please make sure you can get somewhere safe especially when he finds out you wrote that post and hes gonna beat your arse until you die.

like
Anonymous

So you’re labelling vulnerable women who have no self worth, feel lost and broken, who are dying inside, have no energy and completely broken as “idiots” no just no. They’re strong women, beautiful inside and out, they’re fighters, warriors. Just because they walk a hard path, and don’t leave or do what society sees as right doesn’t make them an idiot. There is no right or wrong way to deal or leave a toxic relationship. Watch your mouth, you might just break someone who’s already broken enough with your ignorant opinion and words.

like
Anonymous

So you’re labelling vulnerable women who have no self worth, feel lost and broken, who are dying inside, have no energy and completely broken as “idiots” no just no. They’re strong women, beautiful inside and out, they’re fighters, warriors. Just because they walk a hard path, and don’t leave or do what society sees as right doesn’t make them an idiot. There is no right or wrong way to deal or leave a toxic relationship. Watch your mouth, you might just break someone who’s already broken enough with your ignorant opinion and words.

like
Anonymous

Yep, those cringy copy cat phrases do my effing head in whenever i read them all on here one after the other, after the other, is what's shocking. So many women on here can't comment on anything without copying words they've heard without knowing the true meaning of them, or the post at hand. I too have never used the latest trendy cringy catch words, and never will. Makes me eyeroll every time. Same with those that jump straight to 'leave him' or 'you're a shit mum, grandma, sister ' type comments. If these horrible women on here were face to face they would not even come close to saying anything like they do, and even less likely if they personally knew them.

The only drama i ever see created is in the comments. Not the posts themselves

like
Anonymous

Just because people are educated in psychology and know the correct terms, doesn’t make it cringeworthy.
Gaslighting
Projecting
Blame shifting
Love bombing
Devaluing
Discard
Codependency

We know the correct terms, it isn’t copying, would you rather we use incorrect terms?
I’m sorry our knowledge makes you insecure.

like
Anonymous

Some people simply don't have the vocabulary to express their thoughts uniquely so they use commonly used words of the time. It's hardly something to be offended over lol

like
Anonymous

Yuck, it IS cringy though.

like
Anonymous

I’m sorry you find our correct labelling of behaviours cringeworthy.
They aren’t the latest catch phrases, they are the correct terms to label toxic behaviours.
Should we dumb down our responses to cater for your lack of knowledge in the field of psychology?

like
Anonymous

If people left a marriage over an argument and didn’t leave room to be a “human” no one would be married. I agree, people’s advice are always “run, “leave! Like that’s going to resolve the situation. How about work it out, see the good in your partner stop focusing on the negatives. Of course there are times where the relationship needs to end but not always. Stupid advice if you ask me especially when it’s argument not abuse.

like
Anonymous

A singular argument can be worked through for sure but I don't see a lot of people posting here after one isolated, relatively minor incident. I also don't see people giving the advice to leave/run/whatever when it is an issue that IS resolvable or kind of small in the scheme of things (at least not regularly).

Most women write in about relationship problems that are consistent and ongoing, an absolute cycle of shittiness that's unlikely improve. They often rattle off things they've tried that didn't work (talking, compromising, counselling - often a suggestion which their partner shuts down immediately).

What are you supposed to say to someone who's clearly unhappy and has tried everything? "Oh well, this is just your life now, enjoy the missery and keep working on things"...

When a relationship gets to this point there's two options:
Stay or leave.

That's not just my personal opinion, that's the reality. If there's a 3rd or better choice, I'm all ears!

That's why there's often comments telling women to leave because no one wants to be the one who tells a woman to stay in these situations as they stand.

like
Anonymous

Sounds like you’re someone people write in about, trying to justify your behaviours because something someone said hit a nerve...

It’s not over using or copy catting to use the correct terms for behaviours, and the only thing cringeworthy here is this post.

like
Anonymous

About 80 percent of what I read on here I find deeply disturbing.
I’m not sure what world you live in where these stories are okay with you.
I find the posts on here quite extreme, hence why people are reaching out.

like