I'm struggling with the behaviour of my partner's eldest daughter. I have tried forging a relationship with her but she pushes me away & can be quite nasty & manipulative. He is oblivious to that. She's in her late teens & has just had her own child. Whenever I bring up the subject, he dismisses it quickly as we usually get into an argument about her. So I feel as though I can't mention her at all because it just starts arguments. When we're around each other, she completely ignores me. I've kept my composure & friendliness in those situations & inside I'm wanting to scream or cry. Usually I do both afterwards when I'm by myself. Help please. How do I resolve this? I love my partner dearly & want to be able to show her I'm not the devil
15 Replies
Time and patience
You can’t, if he refuses to see in issue with how she acts it will never change. Being a step mother can be wonderful or it can be torture. No matter what you do it will always be wrong. And if one or both bio parents let their kids get away with treating the new partner with negative behaviour you can’t expect anything to ever change. You have two options, learn to live with always being made to feel like shit and be an outcast, or leave and live a happy life with out the drama
How long have you been with your partner and how often do you see his daughter? It’s difficult to answer without knowing what she is actually doing. If she just ignores you then I’d just continue being polite when you see her and leave it at that
There is nothing in this world that would ever make me date a man with kids again.
Sorry to hear this....
Can you find some common ground?
What are her interests?
Maybe she just needs time?
I hope she comes around x
I have older step kids too, one is a lot like your step daughter. Because he's an adult and made his feelings clear, I take it on board and don't even try and have a relationship with him. Partner sees him without me. On the few occasions we are together I am nice and inclusive but I don't try and talk to him or be overly nice. I give him space. When he grows up some more maybe he will stop hating me but until then it will stay like this. You don't have to be her friend and she doesn't have to like you so stop making an effort. Step back, let her mature and hopefully in a few years things will get better.
How long have you been together? Is she really a step daughter or is she just your partners'grownup kid?
Do you baby her by any chance? Or expect too much? She's a grown up, she's just had a baby, she sounds quite independent.
Did you ever have a parent role or are you kind of pushing it on her?
Crying and screaming after every time you see her is quite a hardship on her, and her dad to be honest.
It really does sound like the issues been pushed to everyone's limits now.
Perhaps step back, it's fine for her and you not to be close. Don't force it.
Internally I want to cry & scream. I don't ACTUALLY do it.
I think I could understand that if you've had a relationship and lost it. But, since you haven't really, it's your expectation. Sorry I seem cold, I'm sure it would be nice to be like family and be there for this time, but you know you're just in a relationship with her dad, she didn't ask for it and doesn't need anything else. Take a step back and things might naturally get better, when the pressure is off.
She's in her late teens. There really isn't anything your partner can do. Clearly she doesn't want a close relationship with you. You can't force her to change her mind about that either. Stop trying. Sorry to be harsh but that's just the way it is.
Not harsh at all! Thank you x
Some great responses.
We have been together for 4 years & we hardly see her. He sees her more now because of the baby & also she told him he was a useless father. Prior to falling pregnant, we would talk often & her mental health was of a concern. Because I work in that field she would talk to me. Then she stopped because I wouldn't guarantee that I wouldn't tell her dad things she was saying (hard to when a young person is talking about suicide) so she totally disengaged. The only time she spoke to me was when we bought things for the baby. She's far from independent. She thought having a baby was something she could do other than school. No judgement there because school isn't for everyone.
You might want to edit your original post to include this information before it goes to Facebook. It’s a whole different scenario to what your post implies
She isn’t your step daughter. She is your husbands child. She didn’t ask to have you in her life. Just be polite. You don’t have to be friends
I've been that step child. I was an absolute c**t to my step father whom I now love & adore. At the start (I was 18 at the time now late 30's) if I was at my mum's I wouldn't even acknowledge him. Mind you I was being fed bullshit from my own father about this man. I think I was around 22 before I realised this man actually loves my mum & siblings (they all had a relationship with him) & was in it for the long haul. To this day they're still together & going strong. Once I realised what I was doing to him & my mum & apologised for my behaviour our relationship went from there. The one thing he never did was treat me any different to my siblings, never spoke down to me even when vile words spilt from my mouth. You just need to keep being the nice one even when it's so hard. I regret my behaviour every day & just wish I'd made it easier for my mum. Hopefully she'll see that one day too. Good luck Mumma xo