I don't love my child

Anonymous

I don't love my child

Please no judgement
For as long as I can remember I always wanted a daughter. I wanted to raise a beautiful little girl, I had all these images in my head.
I now have a daughter who is 5 next week. I've been a solo mum since day one.
Shes been diagnosed with adhd asd. But I think he has ODD.
My daughter is difficult so difficult im at the point now I don't want to be around her. I don't think I even love her. Shes so manipulative like her father, she's so impulsive. She has a meltdown or a tantrum over anything. We can never have a nice moment because she runs off as soon as something doesn't go her way or she doesn't get the response she wants.
Even in public she will run off sit down on the grown and sulk. If she's playing with a friend she will do the same. Im scared at school next year she isn't going to have friends
She never listens never follows instructions
I've just started back at work after raising her for 5 years. She is with my parents 2 days and both days I have picked her up they have told me how bad she has been. She lost her door yesterday because she wouldn't stop slambing it.
Im worried they aren't going to want to look after her much. Im so embarrassed she is like this. Im so quiet and timmed. I cired all last night because im that embarrassed. I don't want to have my friends over because she's embarrassing
This morning she had a tantrum because I said no to something she wasn't allowed to do and I ended up abusing her I smacked her so hard and just kept hitting her. Im done with it all. Im think about adopting now.
We have gotten professional help for years and still are she isn't changing
Yesterday for example I was trying to watch a show with my step mum and she wouldn't stop being noisy. We both asked nicely tried to tell her why to be quite. She kept pushing she laughs when she knows someone is getting angry. I ended up losing it with her and she just continued on calling out to the dog to annoy him and us.
She just doesn't get how bad she is how things aren't funny. Im at my end now. $1000 of dollars in therapy now we have NDIS and still no change. I've tired every sort of reward system.
I've told her 2 nights ago she can't have her new babie this weekend because she didn't behave for her grandparents. She just said to me that's okay I didn't want one any way! The manipulative behaver has got to me.
Im done im out. Im embarrassed I don't want to be seen with her.
I don't want to leave her in any ones care because she is so disrespectful so awful to every one.
She refuses to wipe her bum after she goes to the toilet she will wipe poo on her bed. She is starting to smell now. I don't want her to be the smelly kid at school.
Is it possible to hate your own child?
Im just so last on what to do.
Being a solo mum to a child like this is just soul crushing

Posted in:  Behaviour

35 Replies

Anonymous

Do you get regular respite?
You sound like your cup is empty.
You need regular breaks so you can get the energy to come back and fight another day.
It’s hard solo parenting, even harder with a special needs child.

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Anonymous

Have you thought about placing her in foster care? I mean you have admitted to verbally And physically assaulting a 5 year old and not being able to stop.

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Anonymous

Poor little darling, put her in foster care where she will be shown love.

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Anonymous

She sounds like a regular child to me. I have 3 and man they are bloody hard work but I wouldn't change things for the world. They have given me PTSD but I absolutely love them to death. Many mothers/guardians would step up and love and care for your daughter and manage her special needs. If you honestly feel this way towards her, do her a favour and consider putting her in foster care. Then get your tubes tied.

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Anonymous

This judgement is the reason SEN parents get to this point. You all really don't understand how it breaks you & everyone judges you anyway, rather than offering support. How about less horrible comments to someone who is feeling terrible & offering constructive support.

To OP, I've an ASD DS, he's not too bad but the challenge is exhausting, and I have a friend with kids similar to your DD & it's broken her. You're not alone & it's not your fault.

The only thing I can offer is to get your GP and possibly child services involved. I know a grandparent at my kids' school gets respite care.

I'd like to say you're doing your best but since you've reached breaking point it's time to ask for intervention.

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Anonymous

So if a women wrote on here that her husband says terrible things to her and gets so angry he starts hitting and just can’t stop, that would be okay? You know because he is exhausted and frustrated?

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Anonymous

I've made similar comments to a father in this situation too. Gender really has nothing to do with it. All humans have a breaking point and this parent is at hers. She needs support. That's the best way to help mum and daughter.

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Anonymous

This is a mother reaching out. Your comparison makes no sense. If you're trying to compare it would be like a male reaching out saying he lost his temper and hurt his partner and he needs help.

She is asking for help because she well and truly knows what she did is wrong. You'd rather her just continue on the spiral and become and continue this behaviour?!?

She is trying to fix it. We are all perfect until we aren't. Sometimes horrible things happen, and this is awful, and I'm sure she knows she can never take it back. But the fact she is looking for help and where to get it is fantastic. Because she wants to break this cycle of complete dark depression and anger she has fallen into.

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Anonymous

You do sound burnt out...
BUT smacking her and not stopping out of anger, is child abuse!
It doesn't matter how much outside help she gets or has, if she is home with someone who doesn't care and hates her and does nothing but yell, smack and be horrible to her, then all that shit is a waste of time.

You sound like she's just an inconvenience to your life. And if that's how you really feel, then please give her up to someone who will help her properly and raise her with love, not hate!

I have 4 special needs kids.
I also raise my nephew.
I do it alone.
It's hard.
But I am their mother.
I don't get to just dump them and walk away because "they annoy me"

At the end of the day your daughter isnt the problem here...
YOU ARE!

So pull your head in. Get yourself some help and be a good mother!

Sorry to be so harsh but I think you needed to hear it.

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Anonymous

She sounds like a normal child screaming out for love and attention because mummy can’t be fucked spending time with her. Place her in permanent care through a foster agency and go get your tubes tied. You child is not the issue here, it’s you!

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Anonymous

Solo mum for 12 years to a boy (now 16) with ASD, ADHD,ODD,CD, anxiety, depression, complex childhood trauma, little to no emotional regulation.

It doesn’t get easier but you learn to cope with it better as YOUR skills improve. Keep sending her to therapy that’s fantastic and will help over time, but build your own skills. I’m not talking reward charts and stuff. I’m talking YOU and YOUR actions. Anger management (issue of hitting your child and not stopping) stems from YOUR anger issues? Why no walk away, let her carry on like a fool out her in a safe place and walk away. Know your limits, where does it start, what are you doing in terms of self care? At night when she’s sleeping how do you wind down and ‘fill your cup’ back up?

Be selfish. Take some focus away from your child and put it back onto you. It’s great you wanna work, but if she’s a bad as you say do you have carers payment from Centrelink approved? If not go get it. Work part time if you have too and while she’s at school and you’re not working look at what you can do for you to feel good.

The worse I treated my son when he was at his worse, the worse his behaviour got and over time deliberately acted up and in his brain it became a reward system. We all believe positive rewards makes for positive behaviour in the brain. But lots of people don’t realise negative behaviour also creates positive reward in the brain too. Oh sure you’re yelling at the child and your smacking the child and they are crying and hating on you as you hate on yourself BUT they are getting something from their behaviour..... ATTENTION. Now I’m not sitting here saying you’re not giving her any attention, 100 bucks say you give her and have over the years tried to give her plenty. But her brains developing still and for whatever reason her little ASD/ADHD brain has linked negative behaviour to positive reward (even if that is being yelled at and hit) I’ve probably done a shit job trying to explain this but I hope you understand.

In short if you really can’t do this then don’t. You’ll feel like shit and it’ll hurt but you’ll cause more damage to her in the long run. But you can make the choice to put her in a safe and loving family because you LOVE her not hate her.

Mumma this is hard. I know I’ve been there. Think deep and hard and long and just when you get the chance hold that little girl, tell her you love her and do what’s best for you both

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Anonymous

This makes me so sad. For you and her!

Singlehandedly raising a child who has challenging behavioural needs is fucking hard. I really don't think that is acknowledged enough or even properly understood by people who haven't lived it!

You sound absolutely tapped, just utterly depleted and emotionally exhausted. I think I can remember you writting in before when your daughter was about 3, that's a really long time to be be struggling like this mate so of course it's going to take a toll.

I don't believe you hate her, you just hate the situation which is honestly understandable.
I don't believe that you don't love her because if you didn't love her you wouldn't care about any of this, you wouldn't worry about her future and you wouldn't be reaching out like this.
I also don't believe you want or intend to hurt your daughter, I am worried that if you don't get some help and support for YOU that you might snap and lose control which could have catastrophic consequences.

I think you need to go see ypur gp first thing Monday morning and get yourself a mental health plan. Tell your doctor everything you've mentioned here.
I also think you need to reach out to all of your daughter's healthcare workers and tell them point blank the treatments and therapies aren't working, that you're straight up not coping and you need some respite.

If you feel you might not even male it through the weekend, Google child protection services for your state and tell them you need some immediate help.

I'll be thinking of you and I really hope you can get some help x

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Anonymous

She will never be a good child in this environment. She isalso reacting. To being told shes bad. By her own mother. To being bashed by an adult. Her adult. To being always in trouble and not liked. It's not manipulative. I'm worried you see her so badly. I'm worried for her.
Call DOCS and let them know you cant care for her anymore. Or take her to your parents and tell them and tell them to call. Just get it done.

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Anonymous

Honestly, you need to make some calls. Get the respite and help you need and have her sent to someone who can care for her appropriately. You are abusing her (probably without the intention of being an abuser) however her behaviour isn’t going to improve with you being such a person.

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Anonymous

I’m concerned for your child’s safety while in your care

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Anonymous

You could put her up for adoption

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Anonymous

Adoption is very difficult in Australia. She would have a better chance of putting her into long term foster care. They stay with the same family until they are legal adults.

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Anonymous

Foster care in the one family is rare .

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Anonymous

Maybe all she needs is a break and the pressure off. Then she can do share care with foster carers. Right now though, she needs to give that child to someone and say she's not safe to have them. Because she's not, and its not helping any of them.

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Toni Grace

I feel for you. I don't understand how hard your life must be, so I won't pretend to. All person have a limit. Sounds like you've reached yours. I'd love to be able to help you, if there is any way I can. I'm most likely in a different state to you. I have 5 children. Ranging in age from 5-17. One has ADD, but no real behaviour issues. I won't post this anonymously. Please reach out to me, I would really like to try and help both you and your daughter. You are very brave to reach out. No one deserves to judge you. You've done the right thing. Some people need a village to help raise their kids and that is quite alright. Hope you are both ok.

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Anonymous

Every parent with a high need child feels like this occasionally. Sometimes for a while. But you keep doing what you need to and getting them help. That's proof of your love even if you don't feel it. And feeling like you want to give them away is literally you actually just needing a break.

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Anonymous

No. No they don't.

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Anonymous

Respite, respite, respite! This is an absolute must and sooner rather than later you need support. Occupational Therapist, Psychologist, Paediatrician (medication) to assist with self-regulating and identifying and expressing emotions in an healthy way. I'm guessing these are already in place? Is it sensory overload also contributing to the meltdowns? She may very well be ODD but they usually screen for this when assessing ADHD as well. Is her behaviour consistent across environments or are you her safe space to express everything she has stored up.

I am also going to recommend that you seek sessions for yourself to manage calming yourself before you discipline your child. Although in your mind she seems incredibly naughty, all her diagnoses suggest this is not a choice she is making and that this is really hard for her. She needs you to take care of yourself, access support and reset <3

I am used to handling difficult children and wish I was able to reach out and give you some respite. I would like to reassure you that you are able to access support and that I have seen these situations improve. Usually child protection favours children staying with their families nowadays and focus more on offering support. Please reach out and get the help you need mumma x

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Anonymous

Sending hugs mumma.

My situation is not so extreme but one of my children and I are so strained. I wanted to have this beautiful baby girl and she's honestly a nightmare. She's been especially worse of late and pushed my temper so hard. I smacked her. Now I dont know if it's the same for you but I couldn't believe what I had done. That this human I am meant to cherish pushes me to breaking point like that. I am horrified at my behaviour and immediately spoken with her and apologised but its not okay. However I want you to know you're not alone. Yes you did the wrong thing. We all get it wrong from time to time. Its how we come back that matters.

You need to seek further help. Does she enjoy going to your parents? If she does, she needs to understand that it could be taken away from her (the treat of going there). Lean on your parents, my mum tries really hard to back me up with my kid - they have talks about how when she's naughty and mean to mummy it makes grandmummy sad because she's hurting grandmummys baby.

Respite as everyone else has mentioned.

Mama you are human, but so is your baby. Get her outside some more if you can, let her burn it off at the playground. Take a book to read, enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. No it's not easy to do but sometimes take a step back and ask yourself, how can we change this situation? Do we remove ourselves, do we go somewhere else? Do something else? Lock yourself away for a cry if you need, take a big breath and come back with a new approach.

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Anonymous

I feel for you. There is a lot you can do to help her. She needs a calm place, a 'calming corner' is what my daughters psychologist calls it. Is she on medication? Because that helps tremendously to help with the missing chemicals in her brain. Routine is a big one. I have had routine for both my kids since they were born and it helps. Sounds like there is sensory issues also, look into sensory objects for her. She may also be 'acting out' due to sensory avoidance. Are you apart of an asd or adhd group? There is some great Facebook groups that can also help, specifically girls with asd groups. Until you understand what she is going through and really start to adjust your life in order for her to cope better, you will likely continue to struggle. Goodluck and keep reaching out to people. There is help out there!

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Anonymous

It is you that needs to look into therapy and parenting classes.
She is a small child with possible ASD/ADHD.
Abusing her physically, verbally and emotionally is not going to change anything.
Maybe you should call child protection and report yourself and see what assistance they can give.

Children of this age do not have the capacity to deliberately be manipulative. This behaviour usually means the child is lacking something.

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Anonymous

As a mum who has an asd child. You need to put your selfishness aside and get help and do what is right for you daughter.

That’s how I got told and I just snapped thinking the way you did. You need to speak to NDIS and get a plan into place and ask for help. That’s what their for.

I’m sorry for being blunt but I have to play the tough love card as I’ve been there and done that.

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Anonymous

Ignore all the nasty people on here who attack you. No idea what they are talking about.
All the people on their soap boxes you are the reason people don't reach out for help. You are part of the problem that helps situations like this turn severely abusive or worse. Wake up to yourselves.
To this poor mum and daughter. You need support, she needs support. When you say you hit her out of anger that's not true. Anger is a secondary emotion that we feel when the pain or the fear is too much to handle. What are you really feeling? You need someone to yell near... someone who you can yell your darkest thoughts to and will hug you after and help you no matter what you say because they know its venting and nothing more.
Start with her diet. Remove every number in her food even natural ones. Especially 160b (annatto) did wonders for my ADHD son when he was little before medication.
Go to your GP ask for help. Medication if possible
Respite, counselling. Look into the conditions RAD and PDA in case she has been misdiagnosed. These conditions are often mistaken for ADHD or ODD and the treatment makes it a lot worse.
Reach out for help. You are not alone and I promise you there is light at the end of this tunnel. Scream for help if that is what it takes. I know one mum who parked herself in a doctors office and refused to leave until they helped her. But please find yourself and your daughter some support. There is a huge support network of parents who are going through what you are. Find your people and I promise things will start looking better ox

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Anonymous

You ask for no judgement but you’re judging her by saying she’s exactly like her father. She would be able to tell you hate her and that would be making her behaviour worse. This is no life for a child. If your parents can’t take her on please get her into foster care with a family that can show her love and help her condition.

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Anonymous

IM'S REALLY NEED TO REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE SHE CANNOT STOP HITTING HER CHILD THATS SO DANGEROUS

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Sheri Greer Houston

Look up PDA. Pathological Demand Avoidance. My son has it....sounds like your daughter might as well! Good luck!

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Nicole Hamilton

Darling so wish I could say it would get better but I can not so that, though you need to contact someone to help you either with respite or foster care temporary or even permanently if you feel it's better. You are brave for admitting this, a lot of people wouldn't, the NDIS can point you in the direction for foster care providers in your area.

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Anonymous

Please take yourself to a police station and hand yourself in your daughter deserves better you should hand yourself in before someone shows this post to the cops and they come looking for you I have a child with asd , adhd and a number of other things and I could never do this to him

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Anonymous

The foster system sucks. It seriously sucks.

But you have admitted to physically and emotionally abusing your child. Let her have a family that won't hit her.

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Anonymous

Honestly, I would be contacting a foster care agency and discussing the issue and seeing if you are able to access respite care for your daugther.

I would also seek some help through a GP for a mental health plan. Whilst she may be difficult. It sounds like you need a poan to help you cope and check in with your own mental state. I too went through a phase where my daugther has hit an age where she became absolutely awful and I smacked her bottom a few times. I realised I was part of the problem, and once I got my own mental health sorted, she changed. I realised my poor temper and reactions were amplifying her behaviour.

Once my demeanor was mire calm and my mind was able to focus, it became far easier to calmly work with her and she came around much quicker.

We are foster carers. You get so much training and support to help you deal with children like this, and having them in short bursts is easier to cope with. You may find it helps with her behaviour having a different parenting approach and you may be able to work with them.

Good luck

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