Emotional affair advice...PLEASE HELP!!!
I have just found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We have been married for 10 years and have four children together. I love him with everything I have. Over the last month or so I had been feeling that something was off with my husband. He withdrew from me physically and emotionally, I did bring it up to him but he said he wasn’t feeling himself lately. For our 13 year anniversary I decided to do my hair, make up and dress up for him as a surprise because I have been rocking the Mum bun life in ISO. It’s safe to say his reaction was nothing like I was hoping. A few days later he came home with a gift from his co-worker saying it was because he helped her with a big commission so it was a thank you. I instantly felt uneasy, I left it for a day and then brought it up with him. I said I was insecure, he said is it because of her straight away, he said you don’t have anything to be insecure about. After some back and forth he finally said he likes her, she told him she has feelings for him and he told her that he has feelings for her but loves me. I am completely broken. After a lot of digging with questions and him first not telling me the truth about things I found out more details. He said it was all platonic messages, they were messaging all day on my birthday, on our anniversary, he was telling her she deserved better when she was sending him things that some guys were saying to her, he was sending her pictures of our kids. He says he only wants to be with me and he loves me. He wants us to work out and be together. He has completely broken me, I love him with everything I have and I’ve never imagined me without him. There is no option of either one of them leaving the job so everyday he will see her and have contact with her. I don’t know what to do? I need help, has anyone been through this? Has anyone made it work and how? How did you move past it? My head is filled with everything I’ve learnt, thinking about what their doing at work and my heart is broken. HELP!
How do I move past my husbands emotional affair?
How do I move past my husbands emotional affair?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
36 Replies
Yeah i think the biggest mistake is wanting to hold onto him and push on through. It really just drops any respect they had left for you (and is there any right now, really?)
I think your only way is to start thinking about you without him. If he can think about going somewhere else, you definitely need to think about it too. You dont want to hold onto him, you want him to choose you
. So he needs to know youll be ok if he doesnt, he'll be gone. YOU need to know that first.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help. I appreciate it, I have been waiting desperately since I posted to hear some thoughts from people. My husband has told me that he chooses me and he wants to be with me and loves me and not her. He wants to work hard to help me gain my trust back again. I’m just lost as to how do I begin to do that?
Thats what they all say. Is that really the way youll settle for being loved? I hope not.
Personally I would still boot him out Im not convinced they will change how they see you vs how they see her until they see that you will leave them.
You demand transparency, you see everything, you can check anytime, and he has zero chances left. These are not accidents hes making. Hes broken your trust and has to reearn it.
You switch things up so he's present at home and you have freedom. You find a hobby and friends and go out. Find yourself.
You date again.
You need to make sure you actually do rebuild trust because you dont want to just hold onto him to not lose him and end up with a guy you eventually realise you hate and you cant trust. You both have to restart and rebuild.
It’s not what I would have chosen at all. Our love has always been so special to me. Thank you for giving me so many ideas of what to do and where to go from here. It is so helpful. I can not turn to any of my family or friends because I don’t want them to think differently of him. So being able to hear other opinion is so helpful. Also thank you for that last sentence, I definitely don’t want to realise at the end of this that I’m not happy and that the life I’m living is one of resentment and hate.
I would suggest you do turn to them. They will help you see straight, and holf him accountable and be able to give you real advice. Youll find most will back away if you make it through, as its your life and your relationship, but dont underestimate them, give them a chance, get the support you need and dont cover for him - its another good sign to him as well. You wont cover this up and he will be accountable. This is not you, its him and for you it will be fixed for real or he will be turfed for real.
You can turn to family by not doing so you are protecting him and covering for his behaviour. You will regret it if he is cheating. Don’t protect him hold him responsible for his actions, protecting him will allow him to keep going with it. Put it out there and hopefully he feels shamed enough to stop. Don’t take his word on this trust me, I’ve been here. Do you think he would honestly tell you he slept with her. He will not, they never do.
So so sad for you but if he loves you he would give you full access to his phone and leave his job..! That’s what it would be for me ot I’d be gone. In saying that he’s prob slept with her. Go with your gut and realise there is more to life out there and you can do it on your own if you need to but don’t settle or believe what he says. Make him leave or pack his stuff. It hurts now but it gets better.
Sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear. As they all do. Kick his ass
He’s got to be prepared to be an open book and engaged in family life. Phone down and off and allow you to look through it at a moments notice.
He needs to earn the trust back but it won’t ever quite be the same.
As the other person says, you have to take your power back and not be so into him. Make him jump through the hoops.
Also marriage counselling.
Thank you so much for responding and giving many concrete examples of how and what I can do. It is so helpful. I can not turn to any of my family or friends because I don’t want them to think differently of him. So being able to hear other opinion is so helpful
Be careful about keeping secrets for him.
I agree with the being open and I guess transparent. Especially with the phone.
I went to counselling with my ex and she suggested an idea. If he was on his phone and I asked to look at it he had to show me and once shown I need to let it go and move on. My ex however refused to handover the phone so I was done.
Completely agree, he needs to jump the hoops forever, he can’t get annoyed if you question him, even in 5 years time, HE did this to you, he has to be completely transparent in everything he does, and he needs to be willing to go to counselling. He also needs to look for another job. Only time will tell. You need to think about what you will do without him, because there is a chance that no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to forget ❤️
They will always tell you what you want to hear in these situations. If he hasn’t fucked her yet, he will soon. Don’t wait until you finally find out.
I have been there
My partner emotionally cheated on me with his ex. It was definately all talk but it has caused soooo much damage inside of me, I was utterly broken. My trust was just not the same. But researches have found that it takes at least 10 months to get over an issue. But to be honest, I think it really depends on your partners transparency and honesty. If he is honest about everything now and future, things can heal and work out. If he continues to have secrets and hide things, things will never ever fix itself. It's really up to what you want and up to him if he really wants to be with you.
Thank you so much for messaging. I have been hoping to hear from someone who has been through something similar. I’m so sorry that happened to you and I understand how broken you were. I’m so worried that my trust will not go back to what it was. I guess I have a long road ahead. Can I ask, did you and your partner work through it and stay together? And if you did how is your relationship now and could you share any tips?
My partner did the same to me and even though he swore to my face he didn’t sleep with her. I found out the truth out of his own mouth when he didn’t know I was listening. He still denied it. I told him that I know the truth and that if he had any hope of us working it out, then he needs to telll me everything with his own mouth and I’d accept nothing but the truth.. so there he stood crying begging and told me the whole truth. did I fall for his tears? Nope! I smashed him in the face and told him to get out and I never want to see him again. He walked out that day devastated and I cut all contact with him after that. I deserved better. So even though you think he is telling you nothing happens. I can tell you now, he won’t give that info up! You need to find out the truth because I doubt he hasn’t touched her. He needs to leave that job if you have any hope of even trying to fix this. Do not accept what he tells you. He tells you what you want to hear. Good luck with it all. Keep snooping and don’t give up searching for answers before making your decisions. Follow him after work, sit outside his work in the morning or afternoon get more answers because trust me they aren’t finished. They are just keeping you happy with what you want to hear. pleas don’t be naive and believe him in everything he tells you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you went through this. You did not deserve to be treated that way. I have been digging and still he tells me it was nothing physical at all that happened. You are so strong and I wish you all the best!
It will never be over while they still see each other every day. You are being played. The only chance of this working is for them to cut all contact, despite thinking that a job change is not possible.
Been there, although there was some physical contact but no sex. While they were still working together I really struggled to the point where he moved out for a short while. It wasn't until she left the workplace that I was able to start moving on. We are still together 5 years later but it took a lot of work to get there. He had to be an open book, tell me everything that was going on and if he was out I needed to be able to see where he was on location share. He also needed to prove to me that he wanted to stay and be with me and our kids. I still have bad days and triggers, and days where I feel like I need revenge, but the time between them is getting longer. It does get easier if you are both willing to try and move past it. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for your insight. You are so strong. I’m so sorry that if still causes you hurt today. But thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me the insight that it can work out if we work hard. Wishing you all the best!
I am going through very similar with my husband of 18 years! I knew he and his new employee were attracted as soon as he introduced her to me. He arranged for her to come to our home while the kids and I were away. I had friends check if her car was there and it was parked up the road. He FaceTimed me and our kids while she was there hiding and quiet. I went back and told him to get the fuck out or I will. Went through lots of back and forth arguing and he said they just get along so well 🙄 I then went to her and told her she fucked up and would never be in my house again and neither would he if whatever they were doing didn’t stop. She played it off as it’s fine in her relationship to spend time with my hubby as her partner trusted her. Bitch! She’s no longer engaged to him and my hubby has had to travel with her twice since. Makes me sick but I’m trying to not let it rule my mind atm. And he is sucking up massively since. Doesn’t speak to her now unless it’s super important and knows I’ll kick him out if anything else happens again. I just naught not know but for now it’s the only way I can handle it.
Do what you need to do for you. Not your kids not for him but what you can live with. For now anyways. Assholes.
Yes assholes...exactly. I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly know the pain and hurt you are feeling and it is not fair. I wish you all the best and it sounds like you are both on the right track to working through this period together. My husband is on edge because he knows I would make him leave if there is anything else or if I haven’t been told something and find out. I hope I can muster my strength like you did to give this a real go.
I went through this with my ex and his work collegue. We had been together 19 years when it all started. We tried to work it out for a year for the sake of our children, all it did was end in more stress for me and more him sneaking behind my back and making sure all evidence was deleted from his phone. We attempted marriage counselling, talking, going on holidays together, speaking to other couples in the same boat. They still saw each other everyday at work, I couldn't sleep at night knowing he was with her during nightshift. He refused to have annual leave for special occasions and instead spent valentines days, our anniversary, Christmas, New year etc with her at work. He made me feel crazy by saying nothing was going on and nothing physical ever happened between them.
I even went to the extent of calling her and had a long conversation about where she stood in it all. I ended up realising my sanity was worth more than the depression and stress he was putting me through. If he can't choose between me and someone he has known for a year then I made if decision for him and I left. I now live in a different state to him and I am so much happier. Yes it was a very bumpy road to get to where I am but I recognised my worth and I shouldn't have to fight for someones love.
He moved the work collegue into our house 3 months after I left and is having a baby with her.
If you want to chat privately I am happy to. If we can figure out how to with this annoymous stuff lol.
A year and a half on I am living life single and loving it!
Oh my, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know how hard it must be to revisit especially with all the work you put in and for it to end up how it did. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. But I am glad that you sound happy now and enjoying your life.
I would really love to chat privately, I am new to all this so I’m not sure how to do it with all the anonymous stuff. But being able to talk to someone else that has been through this would really help me.
I see you writing a lot about what he is saying. Words are great but they aren't going to help you feel better or help your relationship.
What is he doing? Has he ended it with her? Has he shown you that he has ended it? Is he willing to go to counselling? Is he willing to leave his job if it comes to that?
I have learnt that they will say everything they think you want to hear but it's the following through on that that's most important and shows they actually mean what they say
I went through this exact situation 4 years ago.
My husband and I had been together for 14 years (since we were 16) and had 3 small kids and I found messages between him and a co-worker who had recently left and moved overseas talking about them having feelings for eachother and how he wished he had of kissed her goodbye.
The level of betrayal I felt was excruciating especially because it played out over months right under my nose and I was constantly told there was nothing to worry about.
My entire world shattered. In my head i thought we were perfect. We hit the rock bottom of all rock bottoms - it killed me - for a really long time.
I chose to forgive him and stay because I felt like it’s only human to make a mistake (we’ve been together since we were kids and he had never done this before or been in a situation where another girl had expressed feelings for him) he fucked up and handled it the complete wrong way and he knows that now.
The months and even years that followed were fucking hard. I struggled with self confidence, security in our relationship, trust issues & just my general well being. I couldn’t sleep and relied heavily on meditation to calm me and stop me from having full anxiety attacks. Because I chose to stay I felt like I couldn’t keep bringing it up to him so I dealt with it all myself. Still to this day I don’t think he knows just how much I went through.
Buuuut I loved him, and even though he fucked up I know he loves me so i fought for it. 4 years on now and weirdly we are better than ever. I think we somehow appreciate eachother and our relationship more because we know how easy it is to lose it.
I’ll never forget. I have forgiven him but if he ever did anything like this again I would leave in a heartbeat. One chance, that’s all you get.
Listen to your heart gf. You’re not wrong if you want to leave and you’re not wrong if you want to stay. It’s gonna hurt for a long fucking time but you can get through it - eventually. You’re the only one who can decide what you should do. Not us, not him, just you.
Do whatever will give you peace
🧡🧡🧡
Oh my god, reading your story feels exactly like my story. The way you felt, how you had been together since you were teens and how your world fell apart and how you felt you were perfect. It’s as if I had written this myself.
Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for allowing me to see that we can make it work and we can get through it. Everything you have written resonates with me.
Is there any chance you would be open to chatting privately if we could work out this anonymous stuff? ♥️
Yes of course, your post was shared to the Imperfect Mum Facebook page. I’ll leave a little ‘🧡’ in the comments and you can find me and message me x
I personally could not have him working with her and try to regain my trust. He would have to leave the job. Depending how strong their connection is that might not end it but I couldn't even start to try while he was working with her. I would have to kick him out and let him work to get me back. Good luck I feel for you.
Fuck his connection with her. Hes married and professing his love and want for only his wife. He needs to cut her off, block her, love his wife.
Im with everyone else, groveling comes naturally to them. Its a convincing act but time and actions will show you when hes bored of the act much before you are healed.
As someone who has had an emotional affair i can give you a perspective from that point of view.
Firstly, I never set out to cheat, I was lonely and neglected. I was alone a lot... even when he (my now.ex husband) was home his head was always in his computer games... and then here was Someone who paid me attention, told me beautiful things about myself and was interested in what I had to say.
I was missing this vital item in my marriage. Communication, love and affection.
Emotional cheating eventually turned physical. Its inevitable that the longer the emotional heating goes on it will and I repeat will always get physical at some stage.
Once it was said and done with this person, I vowed to work on my marriage and to make it work, never to do it again......
Then things never changed in my marriage, my husband was same old same old... not willing to do councilling with me or to acknowledge anything.
What do you know..... the emotional cheating happened again.....this time with a woman.
And this time.... I left.
Hindsight shows me that, A. Unless whatever is missing is fixed, it will happen again no matter how much or how many times you swear it won't. All the promises in the world mean nothing when the original issue isn't fixed or acknowledged. B. I was no longer in love with my husband and I was to weak/gutless or some other variation of the word, to end it at that time.
Moving forward to the present day, I am now happily remarried, my now husband is a childhood friend and knows what happened in my previous marriage and I can without a doubt tell you I have never wanted to look at another man let alone engage in any emotional/physical
cheating. Not once.
I hope that helps to get a little bit of an insight it might not help with your actual situation...but it might give some perspective and maybe you can resonate with some of what's written.
Good luck xxx
Thank you for giving me this perspective. It was so insightful and I am thankful you shared this with me.
This makes me sad. I'd never put up with it. Hope you find your answers to what you should do.
Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to offer your advice, help, stories and support. I appreciate every single comment and all the time you took to help me.
Just being able to communicate and hear from other people and not just from my husband has helped. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥️
You sound like such a beautiful soul, good luck to you lovely lady xxx