Sexless marriage

Anonymous

Sexless marriage

I have a perfect relationship from the outside. But not really. Weve been together for 10 years. We haven't had sex since the birth of our child, and only once since conceiving. So once in 3 years.
Sex has always been an issue. My sex drive higher than his but as the years went on his seems to have dropped and mine rose. While trying to get pregnant I blamed it on that, but its gotten worse. Before getting pregnant I was on the verge of cheating, I was talking to a guy, sexting i guess. I ended it. If I didn't get pregnant when I did i dont know if I would of done anything
But everything else is perfect. I do love him with all my heart. He treats me with respect, theres cuddles and gifts, and I want for nothing. Except this one little big thing. I get annoyed because everyone says how lucky I am with him. He looks after the kids. Helps around the house. Treats me so good. I cant talk to anyone about this because its so embarrassing.
I just don't know what to do any more. I've spoken to him about it and he shuts down. Ive fought, made snide comments, bring it up casually, tried dressing up, makeup, different clothes. Nothing works.
I know he feels bad about it but at the same time nothing changes. I know its not me. Im fit. Attractive even. But still it hurts my self esteem badly. I feel so horrible about myself and then other times im like fuck him I no its not me. But maybe it is i guess.
I dont want to lose him. Could you be in a swxless marrage? Would you give up a relationship that is literally perfect in every other way?

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care, Health & Wellbeing

12 Replies

Anonymous

Personally, I would want to get to the bottom of it. I don't know if I'd leave either as everything else is good and in every other aspect he treats you well, with respect yeah?
Maybe tell him to read this post and if he can't put out a little more, that you'll really have to consider leaving.
Whenever you've brought it up, is his willing to compromise? Di you have to spell it out a little more and say you need it at least once every two weeks (as a begijning).

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Anonymous

Has he been to a gp? He could have low testosterone?

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Anonymous

Get him to see a doctor. My husband was like this and he was put on antidepressants, but he's not depressed.

Best decision ever tho!! The medicine has helped his drive return and we have sex every 2 to 3 weeks now. I'd still like more, but i'm happy. Its better than what it was.

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Anonymous

I’m in a sexless marriage - not the end of the world. I love my husband to death and have a high sex drive. My man can’t due to health issues - cancer and chemo and heart problems. Get his blood tested. May be prostate and thyroid.

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Anonymous

This is my situation. My husband is asexual hetroromantic. I hadn't even heard of any such thing and always assumed it was me. I added up all the positives and negatives of being together and he was worth it by miles. HOWEVER it's bloody hard and emotionally heartbreaking no matter how irrational i know it is. It's impossible not to take personally on your own down days. No one understands. I'd be more than happy to strike up a friendship with someone else in this situation so we can vent and lean on each other.

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Anonymous

I think this really needs to be resolved. Maybe he is a closet gay? You could be the one to help him open up. It is wirth the chat..

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Anonymous

I came on here to write the same thing. I was in a relationship with a great guy, the same thing happened. I thought it was me but then one day found gay DVD's in the boot of the car.

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Anonymous

I couldn’t stay in a sexless relationship and have recently left an otherwise ‘perfect’ partner for this exact same reason. We tried therapy for a long time and he just wouldn’t budge even though he knew how important it was to me. I felt like he only ever used intimacy to conceive and after that he was no longer interested. I felt incredibly used and also thought for a long time I must’ve been the reason. I wasn’t. It was all him. I am so much happier now.

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Anonymous

Cheating is never okay obviously but i can totally understand why you went there.. it would be so incredibly hard, i get it.. its not only the sexual part but the part of being a human and being wanted in that way. I have a fairly high sex drive, so i know if my husband’s sex drive dropped so severely it would really mess me up.

However firstly i would have a good sit down conversation, make a cheese platter, or have a coffee together in a relaxed environment (once kids are asleep or outside while kids are playing.)

Talk about how you are feeling- that you honestly feel like this could be the end for you, but you are willing to get help together if he is willing and wanting too aswell. And see a specialist- gp, counselling whatever you can- do. It could be what changes your life and ultimately you will find answers ro questions you may have and if you do decide to walk away, you know you did everything you could but you are a human and you shouldn’t be ashamed that sex is a part of what makes you- you. It’s as important as any other part of us that makes us who we are.

I also feel for him- so id try to be patient and loving in the conversation.. i mean roles reversed- i think we would all be feeling bad for you, if your husband was putting that pressure on you also.. so like i said i would be patient and loving. But you are allowed to have desires also, and marriage is definitely about compromising but unfortunately not everything has a compromise and sometimes we do have to leave. All the best!

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Anonymous

I would be getting him to speak to a gp. My husband and I had a normal sex life, I then had surgery and my hormones got messed up as a result I lost my sex drive completely. Even the touch of my husband made my skin crawl. I had to go to the gp about it.

See if he's willing to just talk to someone about it, doesn't even have to be you.

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Anonymous

I have been there. I knew he wasn’t cheating, he was a great partner in every other way. Rejection when I would initiate. When I’d try to talk to him, he would completely shut me down. Then, when I gave up, no sex for 7 years. It was soul destroying and because I stayed on the pill with the hopes of things changing it was a reminder, everyday that he didn’t want to. My heart was broken. For those 7 years I felt like I lost my connection with him. I was trapped and just there for my 2 boys.
Things changed for us when I told him I was going off the pill. When I did I cried so much and I didn’t stop for a few days after, he was very supportive during this time. I said to him it felt like you broke up with me and decided to stay friends, but didn’t bother telling me, you just left me there, hanging on. He went to the GP who gave him medication for anxiety and another to help pick up his libido. This helped and we have sex now about 2-3 times a month, sometimes more.
If he didn’t take any action I was going to leave. What I have learnt since things have come back are, I can’t initiate sex due to a fear of rejection, some part of me has been lost and I just don’t think I will get that back, this is sad but I can live with that. Our connection emotionally has improved greatly as I have let a few of my walls down. If things went back to the way they were, I would deal with it sooner and if nothing changed I would leave, I couldn’t live with it ever again.

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Anonymous

See a sexologist. Jacqueline Hellyer is fantastic! Also do some hormone testing. Don’t make him wrong if he’s doing everything else right but do get to the bottom of it in a compassionate way. Does he feel like he is asexual? Explore it all but if he’s asexual it doesn’t sound like the relationship for you as sad as that is unless he’s open to you seeking that fulfilment elsewhere which he may be if he is asexual 😊

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