I have a 10 year old son who has inattentive type ADHD. He is not hyperactive at all. He is a happy, beautiful, kind, gentle soul and on the whole is such a great kid. But our only problem with him is the instant 'NO!' cycle of misery when we ask him to do something. It is the response for literally everything - getting dressed, getting himself to make breakfast, tidying his room, put his shoes away, ANYTHING HOMEWORK RELATED!!!, leaving a playdate, getting a hair cut, trying new foods etc. We have to negotiate, encourage, convince, reason all the time to get him to do simple tasks done. Nothing is ever straight forward.
The constant battle is wearing my husband and I down. It's exhausting. We understand his poor working memory and weak executive functioning skills make normal tasks like this for him so difficult but we don't know how to manage his reluctance and avoidance to get anything done. He is never rude or mean or angry about it - he just refuses because to him it's so overwhelming so he puts a wall up and that leads to major frustration. He has definitely fallen into this pattern of instant avoidance and he even admits it's so hard to change that behaviour. We do the obvious things like giving him instructions in manageable steps, count down/ give him time to get started on something, praise him for positive behaviour, give him lots of love, encourage him to self manage and initiate tasks, make sure he has a lot of exercise and playtime etc but we feel like it's not working at the moment.
We love him so much and will do anything to help him (he has meds to concentrate in school) but we feel like we don't know how to parent him now that he's getting older and his reluctance to do anything. Loosing our cool is not how we want to parent and it does not work at all for our son. But it's so difficult to relate to him in that way and we feel like we need help to learn how to understand him better in order to be better parents to him. We feel a bit alone on our journey because no one sees this side of him at school or socially and therefore we do not have a network of support.
Is there such thing as counselling for parents of children with ADHD? We live on the Gold Coast. We don't want a Facebook support group. I've read a few books but haven't found them to be that helpful.
Can anyone who is in/has been in a similar situation offer any advice?
7 Replies
Sounds like you are all over this and have a great understanding and bag of strategies. And yes, its frustrating when it still all goes wrong, or just always seems like really hard work. A psychologist can definitely help you as the parent with more of this, and personalised to apply to exactly where he is at, at that moment. I also found they also just helped to keep me feeling reassured and positive when i felt i was lost and failing.
My son is 15 and ADHD diagnosed at the age of 4.
The H stands for Hyperactive ( as you would know ) so i struggle to see why he's been diagnosed as ADHD, instead of ADD. And perhaps an overlap of other disorders such as Opposition Deviance Disorder.
I'm no professional, but as a mother of a son with Hyperactivity, I'd be wondering if it's actually something else, given the H isnt him, as you have stated.
I think there needs to be a support group for parent's to attend in person. There are litetally hundreds of them online, even though you said you arent interested - maybe you might like to join them just to check some out, and have a look at those first?
It could be quiet hard to find face to face councilling bcoz of Covid, and it could probably be expensive.
Your GP could also give you someone to call like in Telehealth for over the phone voice appointments.
*Defiance . Not Deviance. (Typo Auto Correct )
It recent years both ADHD and ADD have been merged then broken down into 3 sub categories. When a diagnosis is made you are told your child has ADHD.... then what subcategory they fall into.
Sounds like what they've done with Autism too. Chucked everything on a spectrum all with one umbrella term name, while removing other more accurate diagnosises. It either downplays, or over plays certain conditions. I've always hated the new age labelling
I haven't managed to find an Australian based forum however I have found www.additude.com to be hugely helpful. It is American based but has taught me a lot.
OMG this was my son, and to be honest hang on to you hat the next 3 years with hormones, and high school it was a f'n nightmare. I can say now at 14 he is much better. we have set
timers for things so instead of me being all over him to do stuff the alarm goes in the phone and it says get up, pack school bag, soccer training and it's much easier routine has been our saviour and being very persistent and not getting too angry (we have our days where i break but try and keep them in check) He is also much better when there is a goal, he has a savings plan for a car, has a career he wants so has to do the leg work at school. i make him keep 2 days for very physical activity he works better when the body has been well exercised. Limit gaming as it made his attitude so much worse. You have to find what drives him that was the turning point, yr 6 was so hard he was freaking out about high school, and if reflected in his defiance, i thing we argued daily for what felt like for ever... Good luck, keep telling him you have his back you will get there i promise