Husband isn’t paternal

Anonymous

Husband isn’t paternal

My husband is a beautiful father. He is dependable, calm, attentive, present in everything and gentle. He gets up in the night, does daycare drop off’s and has the occasional surprise splurge at the shops buying things for our son. All round great guy too (but I’m bias). Anyway, we are slowly discussing a second child and he is really struggling with reconciling how he should feel vs how he actually feels. Transitioning into fatherhood for him wasn’t easy. We were married, then pregnant, then miscarried then pregnant again the next month. It wasn’t planned nor was it unplanned - it just was, if that makes sense. Anyhoo, he has never not wanted kids but has always struggled with not feeling paternal. He doesn’t gush for babies, nor yearns for them (like I do). He hears from other fathers that having kids is incredible, that’s it’s all they have ever wanted, or that it’s just the best thing in the world, and now because of this feels like something is wrong with him. So, the idea of having another kid and not having the feelings to go with it leaves him feeling a sense of guilt or shame. I’m trying to show him that actually it’s quite common to not feel paternal and not everyone adapts to fatherhood the same, that there is no shame is being honest with where you are at etc; however my heart breaks for him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to have another kid (although I would be gutted if we didn’t have anymore) but more than that, I don’t want him to feel shame about how he is feeling about it either. I would love to hear from fellow fathers or mothers who have husbands/partners, who may feel as my husband does, to show him, that it doesn’t define him as a father, nor does it make him abnormal.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Post Natal Depression, Men's Business, Being a Dad, Post Natal Depression, Relationships, Parenthood Guilt

7 Replies

Anonymous

It’s not just fathers that feel this way. Gosh, I feel this way as a mother.

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Anonymous

As his wife, I too can relate, not all the time but I certainly have more days than not where I think “ugh, this isn’t natural, what have I don’t to myself”.

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Anonymous

Hi, you can tell him Im a mother who is the same. Its quite common. He doesnt have to have more. Sounds like he does great, and that still doesnt mean he has to have more. More might tip him from functioning into not coping if he really doesnt enjoy and want it. You cant really measure it on how well he does with this one.
Also remind him that baby stage is only about 3 -5 years of hard work. 10 years of work and less freedoms. A lifetime of family. Thats another way to look at it.

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Anonymous

I thought this was pretty normal for men. He seems perfectly normal to me.

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Anonymous

He sounds like he enjoys being a Dad, it just might not be so obvious to him. He would not be a hands on Dad if he wasn't paternal. I think he might just be confused by what that actually is. You don't need to be all gushy and excited, I know some people do but not everyone. It doesn't mean we are not maternal/paternal. If you care about your kids and are in their lives, you are maternal/paternal. Think of the animal world, when a mother gives birth to young and then abandons it we would say it has no maternal instincts. Same for humans.

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Anonymous

You say he's not paternal but look at how hands on he is. He's just not feeling the cutesy gushy stuff which is perfectly fine. My hubby is exactly the same. He doesn't do cutesy and gushy. He's not a hearts and flowers kinda guy. His idea of showing love to the kids is spending time with them, feeding them, clothing them making sure they are well looked after and provided for. I have never received flowers from him ever and his idea of romance is well let's say not very romantic hahaha.
Some guys are just built that way. And that's ok.

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Anonymous

It’s normal and he is obviously a good day so he is paternal in way he doesn’t know. Just because he doesn’t feel the way other dads feel, doesn’t mean he isn’t. We are all raised differently and he probably just doesn’t express his feelings like some do and some don’t. My Husband is a fantastic dad but I’ve never heard him say these things either. Even though I know he is else he wouldn’t be a great dad to our 3 kids. I would say it’s more about him expressing himself than being paternal. He sounds like a great dad and that is all that matters.

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