So my mother has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember never physically abusive but very verbal and emotionally abusive, and over the years many things have happened that we have always let slip because its "my mum". My husband has always been so supportive over the years even when she has done horrible things to him he always understood that its my mother and he never wanted to push me into not having contact with her if thats what I wanted despite the crazy stuff she has done and the effect it has on my mental health and wellbeing. Well recently something happened in front of our children and that's it I know I have to put boundaries in place to protect them and me. My husband is now very adamant that that's it no more contact but I don't know how to put that in place... like how do I cut my parents out it feels odd and I feel guilty and sad about that and both my parent's dont understand these boundaries and they say nothing like this would happen again (been said in the past as well) and they are already asking when they can see the kids again. I completely understand where my husband is coming from because if it was the other way round I wouldn't be letting his parents see them either. I guess what I'm asking is advice from anyone else that has had a parent with an addiction how do you set boundaries and make them understand without them making you look and feel like the bad person or that I'm just "overreacting" and need to move forward as they say...
5 Replies
Because they lack boundaries the only way it will work is if you are very honest and blunt.
Mum, what you did was wrong and hurtful, until you gets some help and start working on your issues we as a family unit need to step back.
It’s a little hard to say when we don’t know what happened?
I’m not in speaking terms with my father anymore. Neither are my siblings. After years of shut we just had enough.
Sure it’s hard at first but that relationship was too toxic and I needed to make the right choice for my kids and my family.
Since then we have all kicked goals in our personal life. I don’t think anyone really realised how much that toxicity was weighing us down.
I cut my alcoholic mother out of my life for over six months because I’d had enough of the verbal abuse every time she got drunk. Which was often. My mum has always had a very hot n heavy relationship with alcohol, made worse by the fact that she’s a nasty and destructive drunk, rather than one that just laughs and is merry. My father was always the only person who could tell her enough was enough, and when she was approaching boundaries, let alone stepping over them. Sadly he passed away far too many years ago, when my siblings and I were in our teens and 20’s. She became bitter and twice as abusive, venting all her pain and grief on us, her children.
We all at times severed contact with her due to the attacks we were subjected to, and the damage she was doing. If she wasn’t going for our throats it was our spouses. Our children were starting to see her behaviour as unacceptable as well.
For my part, I told her outright, on more than one occasion that I wouldn’t be talking to her again until she started making changes in her life. An apology was no longer acceptable nor enough. At one stage she stayed with me during and after an outpatient detox and rehab program, which she actually stuck to for several months. As always things come crashing down. Again.
Until she met a nice man and remarried. He doesn’t put up with her drinking, and for some reason she seems to need a partner to set those boundaries for her. She’s also quite old now and unable to drink like she used to.
Sorry for rambling. I hope you find a solution that works. Alcoholic parents are hard to deal with. Al-anon (not to be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous) is the support group for those with a loved one with an addiction issue. They may also have some advice, as well as lots of support.
I wish I had an answer for you. My Mother was an alcoholic and despite me telling her she wasn’t to drink if she was looking after my kids she still turned up with a six pack of beers. Pretty sad that you can’t enjoy your grandchildren without being toasted. I spoke to her, my brother spoke to her and my Dad spoke to her. Nothing changed and she ended up dying in an accident because she was drunk. I wish you luck, I hope you find a successful resolution xxx