Sleep. What's that again?

Anonymous

Sleep. What's that again?

Please help. Sleep. I cant do this much more. My 4 children are all in Primary school now and no matter what I do, they will stay up to midnight or later almost every! single! night! I've tried setting routines, I've tried wearing them out, but I'm so worn down as well that most nights the only reason they finally go to sleep is because I end up yelling and then just crying - usually myself to sleep and that's not fair on any of us!

Oh and the part that's even better then all of this? All. Four. Sleep. In. My. Room! I've literally had to go buy a single bed for my room after months of all 4 in my room.

Bit of a back story, it was never a problem until I left their Dad. He was violent towards me and as much as I tried to shield them the two older possibly 3 seen and heard a fair bit. So when I left they needed me and we literally only had my Mums bed to share, and two single beds in another room that they never used. But then it took roughly 18 months to finally get approved for a rental. Now they all have amazing rooms, I've probably spoilt them too much with the decor just to try and get them to sleep in there, but nope. I let it go here at first too because new house, they were scared and honestly so was I, but now, 8 months on and I feel like I havent slept in over 2 years. I'm exhausted. I'm mentally drained.

I know I've let this happen. I take full responsibility so please, no need to point out the obvious, I'm not here to be judged, I hate myself enough as it is. I just need help. I dont smack, theyve seen enough violence so I wont do that. I dont follow through with threats because they know if they all carry on I give in out of pure exhaustion. I'm just looking for maybe natural alternatives? Has anyone tried anything and it's worked for their sleep deprived munchkin? I just need them to sleep so I can sleep so maybe I can be a better Mum? Because right now I feel like I'm absolutely failing them and ot kills me :(

Thanks to anyone that read all of my essay x

Posted in:  Life Lessons, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Kids

10 Replies

Anonymous

You could try melatonin, or rescue remedy if it’s anxiety related, but it really depends on what the root cause is. I’ve heard great things about rescue remedy. I’d suggest a proper routine first, be firm and consistent, it may take them all a while to adapt so depending on the ages dinner then bath/shower and into bed 7-7:30, if they get up just keep calmly carrying them back to bed and saying “it’s sleep time now” try some white noise from a fan or some relaxing music in their rooms, it won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight but you’ll get there with consistency. Good luck mumma you got this xx

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Anonymous

Start with a trip to your GP. Have a good chat about what ms going on and what’s happened in the past.
Ask for a referral to a child psychologist for all the kids. The kids don’t have to talk to the psych if they don’t want to, but You Need support. The psychologist can help support you through this.
They can help you work through a plan and he’ll provide the framework to support the kids feel safer and gradually break the cycle.
Smacking will not help your kids sleep.
Your GP may suggest something to help the kids that’s harmless. My experience of over the counter and natural remedies is they only help if the child wants them to (a placebo). So I think trying those will just leave you more infuriated.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

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Anonymous

Your kids need some trauma counselling, asap! I'd say the kids are probably experiencing a bit of anxiety, fear and probably some emotions that they don't know how to articulate that's affecting their sleep.
You probably need some counselling yourself too xx

DV impacts children hugely, even the little ones that you wouldn't think would remember it can be affected (and in your situation, probably have been shaped by the whole situation).

It's not your fault, you've been through a lot and you've done whatever you've had to do to survive.
Your kids clearly just need to be near you to feel safe and secure!

I'll also say that following through with consequences for their actions is absolutely imperative, that's something I'd try and work on before that creates a much bigger problem down the track. I've heard that the Triple P parenting course is really good, perhaps something like that would be beneficial for you?

I think overall you need to be patient and take baby steps to shift this habit, it took years to get to this point so there won't be a quick fix and you won't see changes overnight.

I'd start by making a family trip to your GP and tell them everything you've mentioned here, they can help you get the ball rolling for some professional help.

Best of luck 💜

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Anonymous

Try turning your power off at bed time. A dark, quiet house does wonders works for my kids every time. Just make sure light switches are off before you do it or when you turn power back on it will wake them up.

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Anonymous

Don't be hard on you or them over this mate. They've been helpless to help you before and sleeping in your room is their way of knowing you're ok and for them to feel safe.
As mentioned, get them into counselling.
And get YOU into counselling if you haven't. One of the reasons they'll still be in this worried phase is if you aren't showing signs of being strong, and that's not your fault. I've seen mums finally brave enough to leave but the same mindset holds for years after and the kids see you not looking after yourself. One mum didn't have a blanket on her own bed in Winter because she wouldn't spend the couple of bucks on a Kmart doona, when you're so used to going without, making do and putting your own needs last it's a damned hard mindset to break free from.
Some routines that help me (I suffer insomnia sporadically).
No caffeinated drinks, sugar or heavy carbs after 4pm.
No screens after 8. I push it to 8:30-9 if I have been sleeping well. It would be earlier but I often don't finish work until 7 and I watch a show at home while I eat my dinner.
A bath or shower before bed with a lavender bath bomb or lavender shower gel - not too hot either.
A lavender body moisturiser.
I have a water soluable lavender solution from the supermarket that I dab onto my temples, between my boobs (like where you rub in chest rub) and the back of my neck.
I set my bedtime and if I can't go to sleep straightaway that's ok, I'll read my book but do so by the light of a gentle salt lamp instead of a bright light. I do sleep with my phone beside the bed because I'm on call until my workplace finishes their last shift of the day but it's upside down and isn't touched unless it rings.
And don't laugh, I bought a pack of protection stones from Ishka and a piece of black tourmaline from ebay and have them in a little chiffon bag inside my pillow. A few times a year I put them out to recharge under a full moon. With littlies instead of individual bags you could make a feature out of a pretty dollar store bowl and some stones in the room. Explain they're healing stones to help fix worries and make it a family affair to put them outside on a wooden tray every full moon and "release" those worries to the moon. Sure it may be bullshit or it may be real but TBH, the placebo effect is real and you've got nothing but a few bucks to invest in trying it.

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Anonymous

I agree with above about some counselling for their trauma regarding the violence.

You don't say how old, but I have a 5 & 3 year old and I would still probably tackle it this way.
Come up with your plan of attack. What routine you want to go by each night. Write it up on a big poster so you can all go through it together each night. (Its fine if you want to tackle the TIME of their bedtimes and still have them in your room for the time being. Once you've got them falling asleep at a good time, you can tackle the place in which they sleep. Might be easier. But also, if you'd rather just have it all set from the get-go then just own it).
I'd have a family meeting. Show them the poster. We are going to have our baths, get into our pjs and read a book (possibly in their own bedrooms for familiarity. More then one room? Alternative each night), and then Mum goes from youngest to oldest, and gives each 1 big cuddle/tickle/kiss/butterfly kiss, tuck them kn. And its quiet, in bed, light out, nothing from then. Set the time the same every night. (You could start at a later time and gradually make the time earlier each couple weeks u till its a child's reasonable bedtime).

If they do get out, calmly say "I won't be talking to you until the morning. I love you. Goodnight" and send them back to tuck themselves in. Repeat. "I'm not talking to you. I've said goodnight. Love you. Bye!"

I think biggest thing is realising its going to take you MONTHS to create this routine and habit. And its gotta be very routine for it to stick. Decide your plan, own it, stick to it and repeat repeat repeat. Even on the nights you can't be fucked and are exhausted. It will be worth it when they've all established the new normal. You can do hard things even on the days you don't think so.

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Anonymous

They need a set routine again. They've been disrupted too long and need direction from you.

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Anonymous

Just a suggestion... could the kids all share 1 room for now, while you put in place some of the excellent suggestions for routines other posters have offered? They will then have each other for comfort and not feel alone in a large unfamiliar space that is their individual room?

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Anonymous

My girls are the same, eldest is 10 an get better 4yr old is still the hardest to settle but we've started playing mindfulness meditation for kids an I spray a lavander pillow spray( got mine from the body shop)also the little one loves yoga for kids ( on you tube)

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Anonymous

Talk to your doctor about melatonin gummies they were my lifesaver!
You can get some over the counter at the chemist but they're only 1mg for the 5mg you need a doctor

It took our bedtime from after 10pm to 7-8pm everynight!

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