Just curious how well you know the families of your child's friends?
I grew up with a single mum. She struggled with mental illness during my childhood, I believe because of that she actively avoided other kids parents because she honestly didn't like any people in a general sense. She basically didn't care who we were with or where we were as long as we were out of her hair.
This lead to me (and my siblings) ending up in quite a few uncomfortable situations at play dates or sleepovers as a child. A few of of the more extreme examples - one friends parents were mixed up with bikies, another of my friends fathers was an abusive alcoholic, one of my teenaged friends mum would encourage us to get drunk and stoned with her...
So because of how easy it was to pull the wool over my mums eyes, I've always made a point of getting to know my kids friend's and their parents, get a feel for the family dynamics and suss out their living situation before I allow sleepovers/play dates.
I'm also quite intuitive, so if I get a weird feeling about someone. I'll politely decline - my gut feelings about people are yet to be wrong.
I entered a discussion on facebook recently about this and I had about 50 people tell me this was over the top and potentially embarrassing for my kid which kind of baffled me.
I've also noticed that a lot of other parents are are much quicker to trust than I find ideal.
I've always felt that my experiences have given me a good insight as to why you must be so cautious about who you trust with your children.
Am I being too over protective? Or sensible?
If you feel comfortable to share how you approach this, what you do and don't allow. I'd be very interested to read your response!
7 Replies
I think as my kids are younger I'm more careful in regards to this and make sure I know the other parents well enough before allowing sleepovers or play dates where I am not around. However I intend to educate my children in a way that means as they get older I will have to do that less. I dont like some of my kids friends parents but that doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people, we just dont click, so I put up with it for my kids sake but as they get older I hope to be less involved in that part of their lives.
You are not over the top. As the mum of two sexually abused children which occurred at a “friends” house I warn people all the time. I’m not a fan of sleep overs and generally dont see the need.
I think you are 100% right to be safe and I’m exactly the same.
My situation was a little different, my Mum was always careful about who I stayed with or who’s house I visited and yet I too ended up in situations that weren’t safe or ideal.
My kids don’t do sleepovers- one teen and one pre teen out of their own choice but when they go for play dates I’m still very careful and if I don’t feel safe with the family we will invite the child to our house instead or to an event eg movies etc so it’s on mutual grounds.
Stuff what other people say or think xx you do what’s best for your family
I think you have the right attitude although as kids get older you have to start to loosen the reigns a bit. For me that was the last 3 years of high school.
But that’s partly because I’d demonstrated that I’d get myself out of any situation that wasn’t ideal anyway. Some safer but not ideal situations can be great learning opportunities.
I agree with you but I don't think it's just your mum's situation, it was the way back then. I have stories too about sleepovers and friends parents (One was removed from her house) one dad scared me so much I wet my knickers I remember climbing up to turn the light off before he'd let me go to the toilet so I must have been tiny.
I will get to know parents and usually plan a short play first and stay for a bit on drop off, but it also depends what the parent does for work. I have some that work in schools, or child safety and I'm happy to leave my kids with them.
We have a code word too, so if my kid doesn't feel safe or doesn't want to stay for any reason she just has to ask to call me and say I forgot to pack my banana and I'll come.
And of course age of the child. Im sure when they get to high school I'll have to give more independence and teach them to take control of their own safety.
You’re being incredibly sensible. Years ago friends of mine had a shocking experience when police contacted them regarding their school aged child. Another child’s parent (who they were good friends with) had been arrested on sexual assault and child grooming charges. The parent had been grooming my friends to get to their child. They thought they knew them, they were likeable and they trusted them.
I asked a similar question a few years ago, I recieved so many comments about how I was doing my kids a disservice.
But....my cousin and uncle from different sides of my family took full advantage of me.
No one knew till I was 17 years old, when I chucked a huge wobbly one day.
In our kids 1st year of school a few mum's pushed the sleep over thing till I out right told them why I was not comfortable.
They were upset that I didn't trust their family.
Now I politely just say its not something we do...end of story...
Better to have an upset friend then dealing with something else down the track...