Hey imperfect mums. I am a single mum with 4 kids from 9months to 8yo. I have all my children full time. I have very little help from anyone except my dad who will sometimes do a school run for me.
I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I have come out of a domestic violent relationship a bit over a year ago and I have been working on myself and improving /rediscovering who I am. I feel like I want to be me, the me who is not just a mother. I have never been able to be me and now I can I still can't. I am also struggling to do this when I have no space, time or energy to be anything but a mum. I know I am still in there but I am smothered and suppressed. I am intelligent and without any mental stimulation I am wasting away. I tried to pick back up my uni degree but I just couldn't keep up as my kids don't sleep, like hardly at all. I crashed out so tired being up every hour, no naps or anything like that etc etc. I have my own minor intellectual pereuits etc but I really struggle having to put everything I would like to do for my mental health on the back burner. I can not hear myself think with 4 kids around all day screaming at top volume then too tired in the evening to do much of anything. You know how it is.
I don't even know what I am asking really. Maybe if things will get better? How to stop feeling like you are wasting your good years slaving away alone cleaning up after others? How to put that part of you away that longs for more? How to actually enjoy being a single mother? Is that even possible?
I feel like I am not a mothering type and doing house duties and caring for my children is mundane and soul crushing sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I always put in my everything for my children because I do not think they should feel any adverse affect of my life choices. I want them to have the best life I can give them. Seeing them thrive is soul lifting but you guys know im sure, that is not the usual day to day. The usual loud kids, mess, my 8yo being really misbehaved. I take my kids out (covid has made that hard obviously), I spend time outside, I engage in fun activities with them, I nurture and encourage them. I am doing everything I am "supposed to" be doing to be happy but I'm just not. I exercise and eat well and try to engage with women friends. I find that I do not have anything in common with them tho other thank kids and still crave that connection of understanding you get when you are with people who just get you. I don't want to meet up and talk about our kids and their love lives etc. I crave deeper, interesting topics.
I want to be alone, I want some time alone where I can be me. I want to be able to spend time with other like minded adults enjoying deep conversations and connection. I want to be intimate with a man but have no where I can do that as no privacy at my house. Getting a job is not even an option right now as my 9mo is still Brest feeding plus I have been unable to find anything that is single mum with 4 kids friendly. I continue to keep my eyes out but I don't think it is the answer anyway. Go and do some mundane work and have even less free time and more stress and work at home. Yes I will get a job as soon as practicable but I feel I will still dislike my situation.
I get counselling and I do not think down on myself. I know all the self love and you don't need someone, learn to be happy alone but I think it can be a bit of a cop out really.
So tell me, what lifts your spirit and gives your life meaning? What stimulates you and helps you feel like a human being not just a slave parent?
2 Replies
I think this is the reality for most people with young children, especially single mums. You are in the hard zone right now, especially if you are breast feeding a baby.
For me, as my kid got older less dependent on me I was able to re-engage my mind and revisit some hobbies. I found the young kid phase gruelling!
I want to encourage to investigate what child care options are available. Getting a couple of days or a day a week where you have a kid free day can make a huge difference. It did for me anyway.
I was in the same boat. Your youngest is only 9 months old you still have a lot of hormones, bubs is due a leap, it's probably too soon to study with no help. I'm now 2 years into my degree, I'm a single mum too and my youngest is 3. What I did when the parenting consumes everything was do art and at home 20 minute workouts with YouTube on the tv. It's hard when youre up every hour and your exhausted.