So my 9 yr old daughter and I are pretty close, we have a pretty open policy in this family where we all talk about EVERYTHING with no judgement or hatred, just love a respect.
Now her father and I split since before she was conceived, we were still sleeping together but not a serious relastionship at that time, we have had a bad relastionship since as well.
3 yrs ago I went through pretty bad dv and I asked him if she could stay with him till I got back on my feet, find a house and finished with court, which she did for about a year then she asked to come back and live with me so I said yes... well he was having none of that but previous orders stated she lives with me and spends time with him and he couldn't really do much about it. Now I feel he gets very controlling and starts to dictate what I can and can not do with our daughter or around our daughter (for instance, I just moved in with my partner of 3 years and he complained about it and told my daughter I shouldn't be living with another bloke and commented that I've just had too many boyfriends and suggested to me he would touch her, which is completely inappropriate and wrong) But this is coming from a guy who tell our daughter to lie to me about things even his new baby.
Now the past couple of weeks since this virus started I haven't stopped him from seeing his daughter fortnightly, she loves him so no point getting in the way of that. BUT she showers and put clean clothes on to go to her dad's and is only greeted with comments from her father like "no you can't touch your baby sister or any of us till you shower, because mum's house has germs" he follows her around and makes her feel so dirty that she can't touch anything the baby uses for the whole weekend AND hugs and kisses are off the table as well!! My daughter was crying to me when she told me because she was made to feel like a germ (her words). I've messaged him and told him this was unacceptable and said that he will no longer see her until we are all tested and proven we are not effect by covid-19 if he is so worried about it!!! He lost it! Said I was lying and wanted to talk to his daughter, I refused because last time he was saying things like "Is mummy putting words in your mouth again?" "Is mummy lying again!" "Don't you ever listen to mum" she didnt speak and eventually hung up then asked me to never make me go through that again and was tearing up, so I'll never put her through that again.
Now my daughter and I had our feelings chats which she initiated and loves, she's a very emotional loving girl and thrives of snugs and one on one time! we just sit on the bed, eat chocolate, drink some tea and get real in-depth about our feelings some of which I voice recorded 2 min of out chat and sent it to her dad. Yes I feel bad about it, she knows I've done it too but I also always feel l like I always needed to prove that I'm not lying to him, this is actually how she feels especially after the huge fight we had when she decided to live with me again, I feel like I need to show him that what I'm telling him is the truth!! Well in it I ask "are you living your best life?" She replies " well not really, I'd like 50/50 with you and dad but I'm living my second best life living with you and spending time with dad. Like when you gave me the choice to stay with you or dad I chose you but he got in my face about it and tried to make me stay with him and said he'd give me a better life but I wanna be with you. Don't tell dad I said that".
Fast forward a week or so my daughter tells me she likes girls, we had a chat about how okay that was and how much I support I have for her choices BUT up comes the subject of her dad AGAIN!! She's not only scared to talk to her dad, she's worried that her dad won't love her anymore because "girls aren't supposed to like girls". She also brought up the fact that she would like to dye her hair purple and get another ear piercing, I said that sounds awesome because purple is a pretty colour and we could do it this weekend if she likes but maybe when she's a little older and covid has finished we can talk about another piercing. We went to go buy dye for her hair and she backs out because she's fearful that her father will reject her and yell at her.
Now I'm just sitting here questioning myself because I just really don't feel like he's good for her. I should have just not told him about her, we weren't together anyway!! Why did I record her and send it to her dad, soo dumb but I was so angry errre!! Like yeah kids need restraint and he may disciplined more than I do but its got to the point now she feels she needs to hide parts of her self away so her dad disnt get mad because its not what he wants from her. What should I do? I'm so saddened that she can't just be who she wants to be out of fear, it actually bring tears to my eyes.
8 Replies
First thing, do not record her and send it to him. Stop telling him things. It doesn't fix anything you'll never prove yourself or change him, it's just ammunition and he will use it against you and it will hurt your daughter and come between you. Just stop with him.
Secondly, I'm in the same boat. I absolutely fucked up letting him stay even in the shit role he has, the kids will always love him and see the best, even while they're going through the worst. You can't change things by telling them it's wrong, it doesn't change the effect it has on them.
I don't know the answer. I was recently told by a friend that I should jump country. I think the best thi ng you can do is keep it all written down, and cut the visits down. Don't make her go. Hold him responsible and make him fight for it. Cut contact between you, do not engage in arguments with him. And don't be scared to tell her that all people aren't nice, and if you think they're not nice you have options ie) not telling them, telling them and not caring about their opinion, asking for support when you tell them. I quite often model to mine how I don't put up with him and how 'That's the reason I don't live with him, or he can't live with us' it's a shit position to have your kids in and yes it's a fine line between involving them and bagging out their dad Or supporting them and teachi ng them to be stro ng and understand some adults dont say and do the right thing and hes one of them.
Please stop recording your child and putting her in these situations. It’s not helping and just making things worse. I’d also stop questioning her about her feeling all the time. The way you’ve written it sounds like you are interrogating her under the guise of helping her emotionally.
You need to let her initiate how and when she expresses these issues. If she comes to you and expresses herself then you need to listen, that’s as far as it goes. You don’t need to report to dad, record her, or put her on the phone to her dad, backing her into a corner where she is going to upset one of you.
I think it would be a fantastic idea for you to go and do some counselling/research for yourself on how to parent a child who’s parents are separated. Relationships Australia is a good place to start.
She is your daughter, not your friend/confidant. Not yet anyhow.
Dont record her/get her between adult fights and conversations.
That is not enough of a reason to withhold her from her father.
You’re half the problem here. What happens at his house is his business.
Teach her that her voice is valued and if she doesn’t like it then say something. If he doesn’t like you he will never listen to you.
Just stop with the perfect felling bullshit. You’re her mother not her friend.
Have you ever stopped to consider how hard it was for dad to have her full time for a year then ripped away from him to fortnightly visits
Of course his worried about you living with your new partner, your track record with men isn’t great is it.
You sound like a fruit loop.
You had to give up custody of your child for a year due to a dv situation, of course the father would be concerned about a new bloke, I would be too because of your past behaviour.
She’s nine, she’s shouldn’t be dying her hair permanently purple.
You shouldn’t be recording conversations, it’s a betrayal of trust and just so petty and manipulative.
The father is protecting the baby during a global pandemic, maybe a little over the top, but you should have explained that to her.
She thinks she gay, she’s nine, don’t go all gung-ho, chances are she may change her mind but due to your little chats, she might have to pretend she’s gay to appease you.
What a freaking shit show, the father must have been devastated to lose custody, due to no fault of his own (unlike you).
Just stop all these games and nonsense and parent your kid.
Is it my imagination or is she trying to set up shit fights to say during her little in deep and meaningful conversations (that are recorded) she will dry her daughters tears, tell her that she sorry that her dad cant ve supportive as she is and that she loves her and would never do that to her??
Smells like it
Yes, I think you’re right.
Dad sounds like the only real parent in this situation.