Hi mums,
I am a frustrated mum, I am a sad mum and I don't know how to change it! This may not make a lot of sense but I need to get it out.
I have 2 boys (3&19months) and a step son (6).
Last year in June tragedy struck when my 3 year old passed away. It was sudden and unexpected. It has destroyed me. I became suicidal and depressed and have slowly been getting better. But I am struggling with my other children. I have just gotten to a point where I am okay to be around my 19 month old without breaking down all the time when he cries. I couldn't be around it at first because it would just remind me of every time my 3 year old cried and I didn't pick him up or hold him a bit longer, kiss him one more time. The guilt eats me alive every single day. Why didn't I just hold him?
Now when my step son comes over (5 nights a fortnight) I resent him being here, some days (and it does hurt me to say this because I love him) I don't want him here at all. His attitude pushes my limits, he talks back, is rude, says he hates me and he is glad his brother is dead so he doesn't have to share his stuff anymore. He whines and soils until he gets what he wants. My husband calls him out on it but there is no discipline. I feel like he is scared to upset him or punish him for his behaviour. A lot of the time my step son being here just results in me isolating away from the family.
Now on-top of everything else in January I found out I was pregnant again. Too far along to terminate (please don't judge me, we were using protection). And I can't bring another baby into this world when my heart is so broken. I don't deserve to bring another baby into this world because I don't want another baby, I want my son back. I don't want to put strain on my bond with this unborn child. They didn't ask for this, I didn't ask for this. How is any of this fair??
I get frustrated so easily with my kids, I yell, I swear and I wish they would just leave me alone. Then when they are asleep I lay in my son's bed and cry my eyes out because I wish I would change how I am reacting, I wish I could be more sensitive to them. But every day I wake up I feel like I'm dying because I miss my son so much. I am seeing a grief counselor and my husband has quit his work recently due to how much I am struggling since finding out about the pregnancy. I don't even know what I'm asking but I don't know how much longer I can keep going!! What do I do?? When does this get better?
Loss of child, step children, new pregnancy - please help me.
Loss of child, step children, new pregnancy - please help me.
Posted in:
Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Pregnancy, Baby & Toddler, Kids
10 Replies
Are you in therapy? You need to get to a psychologist. You have a huge load and heavy emotions, and it's too much for all of you. You can get help x
Are you speaking to a psychologist?
I'm sorry for your loss. Although I haven't lost a child, I have had 4 miscarriages. It is terrible. I use to cry when babies cried.
After my son was born, I was extremely protective and very insecure. I did have a step child who was older. When my marriage broke down, I lost a relationship with the step child after 18 months because mum didn't want to have our kids know each other.
14 years on, I still have some mental health issues and do sometimes need to speak to someone.
My son has a heart condition now and I struggle with trusting others to watch him should his heart stop. We didn't know he had this condition or what has triggered it.
I am still coming to terms with it.
Life is just so hard and shitty at times. Sometimes I just wish I could start all over again and do better or make different decisions.
But, on the other hand, I do have to move forward because I don't have any choice in the future.
Whatever decisions you make from this point on will determine whether you are prepared to have a relationship with your 6 year old step son, whether you decide you cannot parent your newborn so you opt to leave the baby with someone else or whether it all gets too much and you leave all together.
Before you make these decisions that will affect everyone to their detriment later and of course everyone is already traumatized by your 3 year olds loss (even though the 6 year old says he doesn't care, he just is very angry and has his own shit going on,) you need to get professional support.
Please see your GP, ask specifically for grief support and a referral to a psychologist.
X you're very brave to be asking for help here. :-)
Wow this broke my heart. I cant imagine what you're going through. My honest deepest sympathies.
I know it's not the same, I lost someone close to me last year in a somewhat traumatic way. I found that connecting with people in online support groups to be really helpful. You may find that you could connect with other women that are dealing with or dealt with the arrival of a child after such an awful loss.
As the other comments have said, therapy will do you so many favours. After suffering with clinical depression it took me a really long time to work up the energy to find a therapist and regularly attend but it changed my life. Again, not the same - I just wanted to reiterate that I know it's hard and I can't imagine how hard facing the mountain of feelings you have to work through is but I want you to know that you do deserve to find happiness again. Your darling boy's siblings would be hurting too and it would hurt them to see mama hurting.
It's always going to hurt but you are still worth finding some bouts of joy in your life while you navigate through this.
I would love to see an update when this bub arrives. I understand that the thought of welcoming baby must be unimaginably overwhelming but I truly hope that when you see them for the first time you are filled with so much love that you can truly smile again. And I bet your boy is hanging around waiting for mum to receive this little gift.
Stay strong mama, oh man I've got that lump in my throat just thinking about it all.
Sweetheart your grieving! Don’t rush it but definitely get some professional support!
I can’t even imagine the heartbreak! But be kind to yourself! No mother should ever have to bury her child!
Start with kind talk. Let people know when you need support or time. Ie hubby I need 5mins to breath actually I need the day.
You will not get over this quickly. And def allow yourself to be sad. But change some of you self talk and you will be amazed at how things change little by little! I.e you definitely deserve this child. He/she was sent to you by your 3 year old to help mend your heart!
Also explain to the 6 year old that he breaks your heart with his cruel words! School him! Send him to his room until he can be kind! Time out. This is an important lesson for him. Also bear in mind he too maybe grieving.
I’m so desperately sorry for you loss sending hugs and love xx
Sending you love and hugs. I'm brokenhearted with you. Sorry you have to go through this.
I’m not a religious person but try and think of it like your little boy is sending you this new baby from above to watch over you and to say everything will be okay Mummy. Once you have this baby, it may turn out to be what you need to heal and not forget about your little boy but give you the steps to move on heal, and take the next step to getting life back on track.
I am so very sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to hurt
I just want to hug this mum and build her up. While I haven’t lost a child I am the youngest after my parents did and was also not planned. Sometimes we did feel a little resentment from my mum but this is going back to the mid 80s where they were just expected to pick up where they left off and not let it get to you.
Now I am 30 and we have a good relationship with our parents. As much as you don’t want to do it take it as a blessing my dad always said my sister sent me to them because it was just what they needed.
I truly suggest some stronger networks for therapy and maybe some time just for yourself to find yourself again. No one would expect you to do it tomorrow or even the next day but you will be ok.
O mumma, your heart is broken and that’s okay given your circumstances.
Please go to the doctor and get some help. You’ll never stop missing your son, and I doubt time will make it easier but you can live every day with happiness to honour him, you just need help to grieve.
Please seek some specialised help. The pregnancy hormones will also not be helping here.
Sending so much love.
Sweetheart, I am so so sorry.
The pain you must be experiencing must be indescribable and overwhelming. I just wanted to send you so much love, I wish i could just hug you to help take some of your pain away. I cried reading your story. Gosh I am just so sorry!
I became extremely ill at 12 weeks of pregnancy and lost my little one, I then was fighting for my life and was placed in a coma, it was the most terrifying and traumatic experience. Pregnancy didn't come easy for me and once I recovered I was told to never attempt another pregnancy as it would kill me.
For years I suffered with PTSD and anxiety and just generally feeling numb.
With a fight and help I manage to get pregnant again. This time I am pregnant with the same sex. I am so grateful and blessed of course. I admit though that this has stirred a lot of feelings for me as I have never gotten over my loss and I I just get so many flashbacks. I lost apart of myself that day/that whole year recovering. I still don't know who I am anymore.
I know that this is not the same as your experience, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. It's good to talk to someone how you're feeling but I know that this is not always a simple fix. Sometimes there is just nothing we can do that will make us feel better. I wish this wasn't true.
Time helps to ease the pain, yet this also only eases the pain in some way and to some degree. Have you reached out to speak with other parents in similar situations?
Please be kind to yourself and don't place any expectations on yourself. Please give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and do whatever it is that gives you any sort of peace during this time. Even if it only lasts for a short period! Some relief is better than none.
Sending you so many healing hugs. I'll be thinking of you xx
Oh hun I'm so sorry for everything you are going through and I can't imagine how you feel. I feel as others have said counselling may be helpful.
Although nothing can ever replace your child, have you considered that your little angel can see you suffering and has sent you someone else to love to help you heal?