Am I overreacting?

Anonymous

Am I overreacting?

Hi Sisterhood,
I’m currently sitting here stewing over some recent events and I’m trying to figure out if I’m either overreacting with everything else going on in the world (2020 has been a great year not) or if I’m within my rights to be significantly pissed off and rather angry.
Long story shortish, my husband and myself are essential workers and have been working business as usual of late, we have a blended family who have been home schooling with help from my SIL who is staying here with her children 10,8, baby).
Earlier this week SIL child aged 8 (Who apparently has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder) had a tantrum and nicked off outside of the boundaries of our property due to an incident (which I’m still not entirely sure about, but it seems he was dared to jump from trampoline over our front fence and in the process my fence got broken and maybe his pride but no injuries). BIL and SIL were pissed about the incident as apparently my son was cause of it. Now by no means are my children angels but when needed I will pull them back into line quick smart. On this particular afternoon hubby and I hadn’t even set foot in our house when we were informed of all the drama, which also included BIL making comments of ‘flattening my my son’ and to keep him away from him. I’d had a crap day at work and I got cranky and grounded both my boys due to what I’d been told and took away internet and phone privileges, made them apologise.
I was informed later that SIL child is a trouble maker and received no discipline for leaving boundary but was rewarded with lollies instead which he then paraded around in front of my children showing off. 🙄
Fast forward to today, I told same child SIL 8 y/o boy to stop picking up my child (9 month old baby) after he was rough playing with her on a bed. We have a hands off policy with her. A few hours later I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner and baby is crawling around the house (house is child proof, or so I thought), same child SIL 8 y/o has picked her up and put her on the bed again where she has fallen off into a toy box and landed on LEGO causing a gash to her eye and scratch across her forehead. To be clear, she cannot reach this toy box herself and these are older brothers toys. My older children are very responsible and caring of their smaller siblings. After the incident I did yell at said child I’m frustration, asking why the hell she had picked up in the first place let alone left on a bed to fall off. I was angry upset and worried that my baby had a serious eye injury.
Hubby and I rushed her to ED to be checked over for any major eye damage, thankfully she is fine.
I however, am not. Since we arrived home there has been no remorse or apology from child and his mother fed him dinner and put a movie on for him to watch on a tablet. SIL and BIL have not said one word about my daughters injury, I’m fact they’ve pretty much pretended it hasn’t happened. I’m bloody furious about this. If this had of been my child that had caused injury to another’s I’d feel sick. I’d of spoken to my child about his actions and what has/could’ve happened and I’d of made them apologise for their actions. Clearly we have very different ways of parenting and while everyone is entitled to parent how they wish I can’t help but be super annoyed/angry about how these double standards have played out.
Obviously we’re in a crap situation as BIL and SIL have helped us out significantly and we are grateful for their assistance, but I feel like this may fester if I don’t say something.
Should I say something? Should I let it go?
My baby girl is about to have her first Easter now sporting a black gashed eye.
I know there is so much going on in the world right now and I’m super stressed with it all,
Do I have right to be cranky that another child has injured my child and not been disciplined even though mine were over a much smaller incident?
Should I bring this up with the mother?
Am I overreacting?

Posted in:  Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids

10 Replies

Anonymous

So it's lockdown, you parent very differently, the child has a diagnosis which doesn't mean they get away with more it means they take a lot more work and are a lot more exhausting and the balance is different as they can't be in trouble constantly so for someone else to judge that is really difficult. Same as you being hard on your kids and feeling that's right and expecting others to do the same. I think you all need to breathe, if you're staying together and that's not changing, then you all need to take a big step back from each other. Separate parents so you're only watching and responsible for your own kids and any discipline should be private. It is strange they havent mentioned it at all, to check shes ok all I can wonder is a few things they might be feeling
1 - she's going to lose her shit if we bring this up and either we dont want to hear it or we're sick of it and itll be an shitfight.
2 - they think babes fine and you overreacted, possibly they think youre uptight or against their child already.

But I do think you all need to pull back, a lot.
Siblings are all losing it now, it's been a long time together for them all it's getting difficult. Take some time away to chill and reset the boundaries.

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Anonymous

While I don't think you are over reacting, I do think due to the circumstances you may have to let this one go a bit. I would try and sit down and write out "house rules" for everyone to abide by. So every single person is on the same page. And while 8 y.o has a disorder that effects his ability to cope with some things the parents should be backing you up if you have asked him not to pick up your youngest. You obviously parent very differently and there is no right or wrong way, each to their own. But I don't think you should confront anyone, I think you should sit down and discuss that if this is how your families will be living for the foreseeable future that you should all be a joint force moving forward. Good luck mumma! I would be frustrated too x

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Anonymous

Look I think I'd be pissed off too and I am very glad your little one is ok but I also feel like you are expecting them to parent the way you do which is not going to happen. You don't know what was said/done while you were having your daughter seen to at the hospital and as the previous poster said kids with diagnoses usually require alternative methods of discipline. I'm also concerned that you say that they 'apparently have sensory processing disorder' - this suggests to me that you are sceptical of this diagnosis which whether you like it or not is probably obvious to BIL and SIL in which case I'm kind of not surprised that they haven't mentioned anything about the incident because they probably are expecting a lack of understanding and you to disagree with their parenting.

At the end of the day remember this kid is 8 - kids often don't listen and yes accidents happen. Many a parent has left a child on a bed only for them to roll/fall off. Black eyes cuts, bruises and broken bones are part of kids lives the fact that its Easter is irrelevant. Going forward you and your husband need to decide if this is actually going to work long term without resulting in a family feud. Is their help worth it or is there another alternative. If you need them to stay there you need to accept that there will be fights between kids, BIL and SIL parent differently and there is very little you can do about it.

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Anonymous

This is exactly why I regret ever inviting my inlaws to stay with me.

My husband and I had a 1 and a half year old and I was heavily pregnant with number 2, his mother and his 3 youngest siblings (who were late primary school aged at the time) had to move out of the family home due to DV. So we kind of felt obliged to help them out!

It was the longest year of my life!

She (Mil) wouldn't discipline the kids at all, she would blame/excuse their bad behaviour on the DV.
I'd try and maintain a routine for my kids then she'd keep her kids up til midnight. The kids had no respect for my authority as an adult and would look me dead in the face and continue doing what I'd just asked them to stop. They would also pick up my baby after numerous times of being told not to. They refused to follow basic hygiene like washing hands and showering regularly (consequently they were constantly getting sick and spreading it through the whole family).

I could go on and on but my over all point is that you just really need to decide whether the benefits of this living arrangement out weigh the stress.

If the living arrangements cannot be changed at this point, instill some firm boundaries!

Yeah, you probably can't control how/if they choose to discipline but you can certainly make the rules in your house very clear. All four of the adults really need to sit down and have a conversation about it all (without getting heated about previous incidents). Y'all don't have to parent the same way but all the members of the household can and should be held to the same expectations, regardless of additional needs. That's how it works in society as a whole, the same rules apply to everyone!

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Anonymous

I wouldn't have them in the house for the lock down reason.

I'd be speaking to the school about whether or not they cater for essential workers and their kids. I'm an essential worker and my kids school is open to children who have no choice but to attend. They have to fill out a form and I have to list which days a week ahead of schedule.

It might be best for everyone to separate the household.

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Anonymous

You're not over reacting, but there's also nothing that can undo the accident and your daughter is ok. Parenting a child with a sensory processing disorder is greatly different to parenting other children. What you are wanting is likely to escalate matters and make them a heck of a lot worse. My son would run from school. All the tough parenting just increased the frequency because he was anxious, and when he was anxious he ran. What you see as slack parents is probably them trying to settle their child so they can talk about things when he has the capacity to listen and keep him safe by not creating a situation where he runs away more. Your daughter's bruise will heal. Their parenting challenges are ongoing and relentless. Maybe understand the situation and keep your daughter within your eyesight. It's much easier to keep a baby under constant supervision than to control a child that has a mind of their own and really actually needs to be given the opportunity to manage himself, make mistakes and learn.

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Anonymous

I don't think your over reacting at all. I would want the family out of my house. You can't trust this kid with any of your kids. Your BIL is a worry too. Next time one of your children may be harmed more. It's just not worth the worry involved! Protect your kids - maybe this would be different if there was just one incident and discipline had then followed without you have to say anything!

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Anonymous

The way I see it they are staying in your house so they are to stick to your house hold rules just like your children should.

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Lami Martin

If anyone had threatened to flatten my child i would give them 1 weeks notice to leave my house or the police would be called. You have the responsibility to protect your children, threatening behaviour like that should not be tolerated..

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Anonymous

I would be asking them
To move out. To ignore what the child did is disgusting

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