My daughter is almost 14 she has a boyfriend who is a year older than her. We are not happy with this and they both know that but we have tried to meet her halfway as my partner & I both grew up in houses where our parents were open & trusting with us & vice versa & I havnt wanted to risk if we put a ban on it they go behind our backs anyway. We have let the boyfriend come to our house every so often & we supervise them, we've let them walk to the shops to get lunch or run some errands for us, hangout in the yard, watch movies, they have been aloud to hang out in her room but with the door open & us constantly around. I've seen them hug & small kiss, which I told her I personally don't like. I've always talked to her about it & tried to keep an open dialogue with her about it. She always says I'm to protective. But just now tonight I've gone to check her school work on her device for home schooling & she has a message app & there were messages from him saying, you never let me come & fuck, you never take risks & let me come fuck you. She only replied with a 😕 emoji. I just feel sick to my stomach! For some reason I have no idea how to approach this with her, my mind is going crazy. Is he pressuring her or have they already done this at some point some how!? I had a friend with older kids tell me her son & girlfriend had done it in 10 minutes of being left alone with the whole family in the other room & had gotten pregnant! She has been at home alone a little bit lately due to the no school & us both having to be at work some days. I'm freaking out!! She's too young for all this how do I get that through to her! I'm having a complete panic attack
13 Replies
Why don't you ask her?You don't need to let on you saw the messages, just start a conversation
Just start a conversation with her about it without saying you've seen the message. Encourage her to be open with you about this. If he is pressuring her this is your opportunity to empower her to be the one in control of her body. Maybe if thats uncomfortable a book about it might help? I'm sure google has some suggestions. 14 is young but my 14 yo niece says that's the norm....
If they are going to have sex, they will find away! Keep the lines of communication open with her. Can you include the boyfriend in the conversation? Make sure she is very aware of consent and she doesn’t have to say yes because that’s what he wants. I would also take her to the doctor to discuss which form of contraception is best for her, plus make sure she always has a supply of condoms. As much as you don’t want it to happen, you need to do as much as you can to make sure she is safe and protected if and when it does happen.
Ask her what she wants and thinks. Don’t lecture. Just have a conversation.
If you’ve taught her about healthy relationships and she doesn’t want to have sex then you probably have nothing to worry about. By the messages I’d say she isn’t having sex, and he is upset about it.
But when she does want to have sex, there isn’t anything you will be able to do to stop that. So stop panicking and worrying about something you can’t control.
Just because she has a boyfriend and they cuddle it doesn’t automatically mean she will want sex.
Stop letting YOUR emotions get in the way and YOUR views/wants.
If she’s had it, she’s had it and you can’t change that fact. Sex happens.
However, those messages do sound pressuring but I’ve been in similar situations, I wanted sex but my parents were too overbearing like yourself And I was too scared to have any boys over. It ended relationships. Maybe ask her if she needs more space and if she needs to go on the pill etc? Be smart and safe about it rather than preventing it!
There is a very good chance your daughter doesn’t want to have sex.
As hard as it will be, just say I saw that message from your fb, if he is pressuring you or you just don’t want to, tell me and we can say to him, I found the message and he can’t come over at all, as much or whatever.
Speaking from experience, my parents let my boyfriend at 14 come over and stay, we didn’t have any open dialogue and I didn’t have a voice back then to say no. And yeah my bf at the time were 14 and having unprotected sex and I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t want to do it. He always held me there. You just never know, maybe your daughter just needs a voice
I feel like they infact have done the deed but out of respect for you (her parents) she doesn't do it in your home. Maybe just have a discussion with her and make sure she has tools to have sex safely and protect her from std's.
The only advice I can offer is to not only have an open dialogue about safe sex etc. But to please please speak to her about healthy relationships and manipulative behavior.
This comes from personal experience with my own 14 year old last year.
I had always spoken to her about the physical acts and consent but I realized too late that I didnt educate her well enough on emotional manipulation and how it can be used to coerce her into doing things she didn't want/wasnt ready for in the name of 'love'
My dd went through hell battling between what she wanted/didnt want and doing what she thought she should be doing to be a good girlfriend. He would say things like "if you loved me you would..."
This went on for 6 months before we found out.
Talk to her about the emotional manipulation side of things. Help her understand that his wants do not outweigh her needs.
If he loved her he'd be willing/wanting to wait until she was ready!
Good luck mumma
From the perspective of someone who was in a horrible situation with a boy at exactly your daughters age. Please speak to her. If you can’t get through to her after the first few times, be persistent.
I am not saying your daughter is in the same position as I was but it could lead to it. From those messages, her boyfriend sounds very toxic. Young girls do not know how to deal with this.
I was the same age, had a boy convince me that I had to prove to him that I loved him by having sex with him. Afterwards I said I didn’t want to do it again. To start with he became very persistent and pushy and eventually became abusive and forceful. Without going into detail, I had lost control and was dealing with dv at 14. This included in my family home in those small moments when people aren’t looking. I felt I couldn’t turn to my parents because I would get in trouble or feel ashamed for having ‘given in’ in the first place and shame for being abused. Also part of me wanted to ‘protect’ this guy because they really do have that control over you. Try and have understanding, open conversations with your daughter. This may not be the case for her, but it can’t hurt to be there for her to prevent things like this. You sound like you are doing a great job already but listen to your gut. Big hugs. X
Perhaps ask her and trust her. My mum carried om when boys pressured me. She treated me like I would just have sex when asked. I still to this day am annoyed at HER behaviour, annoyed she didn't trust me, annoyed that my life had restrictions in place due to her fears of BOYS behaviour. If she were worried about rape, that Id be okay with but it was the lack of trust and lack of respect for my intelligence to be able to know a boy was full of crap with his promises of care and love, as if I were so stupid that being told I was loved or pressured by emotional manipulation attempts I would lay down and do it.
To give an alternate perspective. I had a boyfriend at your daughters age. We had sex, he was older than I was. I was 14 he had just turned 19. When my parents found out. They bailed me and my boyfriend up and asked if we had sex. I answered honestly and they spoke to me on my own about the pill etc. They embraced him, he never pressured me EVER. My parents didn’t particularly like the age gap but they understood I guess that I can hold my own. I had rules in place. He wasn’t to stay over, no closed doors etc. I ended up moving in with him when i was 15 as I hated how strict my parents got with rules and the lack of freedom they gave me. So we lived together, got a puppy together. We got married when I was 21, bought our first unit when I was 24, had our first baby at 27, Bought a new house when I was 30 had our second baby at 31. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 33, had a complete hysterectomy at 34. I am now 35, we are still Happily married and been together for 21 years this year.
Not all BOYS are bad. I think you need to open up those lines of communication with your daughter, let her know you’re open and it’s safe to talk to you. Show her you respect her decisions and you trust her judgement and let her know that not everyone gets it right all the time and you’re there for her if she needs some advice and tell her you’ll stuff up occasionally as it’s hard for you to see her growing up and you just want to shelter her forever because you love her, however you will give her space to grow up.
But please approach it in the right tone and when you’re both in the right mood etc. teenagers are super sensitive . Good luck mumma
When I was 14 I had a 15 year old boyfriend. My mum sat me down and spoke to me about it and said she would put me on the pill when I was 15 because she knew we were going to have sex and she wanted me to be safe and she asked me to please wait until I was 15 which I did. My bf never pressured me but even if my mum hadn’t spoken to me I would have had sex so I’m really glad she did and I could be safe. You say you came from an open and trusting household so you would know what it’s like and banning a 14 year old from having a bf is never going to work and it will just cause problems for you going forward
Sit her down and have the talk to her about sex. Explain to her how it is special and she will know when the time is right with the right one and how would she feel is she did something she would regret, it she made this mistake and then he didn’t want anything to go with her anymore. Explain to her she will know by the way he speaks about it, he will sue the words make love or love.. he wouldn’t use words such as fuck.. do it in a way that she doesn’t know that you know. He is def pressuring her and he sounds disrespectful. Tell her make that first time special with someone who speaks respectful and shows her respect and loves here for all the right reasons. Sit her down and be open and honest. Coz no doubt he will get rid of her afterwards.