Hello ,
I haven’t posted here before . I’m after some advice from people who have been in similar situations .
I’m feeling very overwhelmed . About 8 months ago I separated from my sons father. We had never actually lived together . He had rules in the relationship such as I could only see him one night a week etc . I have a lot of trauma from some of the controlling behaviours but I really am trying to put that aside to eventually be able to co parent effectively with my sons dad.
The arrangements for my son and his care between his dads house and mine are being mediated tomorrow . I’m very scared of this process as I feel my sons dad lacks empathy and may not be looking at the situation from our sons best interests. I also have my own trauma .
His dad has sent a letter from his lawyer asking to have our son once per fortnight from Friday to Monday and one contact time on his off week . This is very fair as he has always had regular contact with our son .
However , quickly after our breakup our sons dad moved in with another lady and her two children . When our son sleeps at dads he is in the bedroom of the lady’s little boy. My son has told me with no prompting that the other little boy doesn’t want him on the room . My son always slept in dads room until this move . Our son has come to me retelling then dreams he has at dads , “ I want my mummy , I feel like I’m sinking “ these dreams always are retold they day after sleeping at dads . He says it’s dark there , the toys are the other little boys and he’s said twice “ I don’t want to sleep at daddy’s” . He also ran away the other day when dad came to get him .
I don’t know how to help my son feel safe and happy at dads with dad seems to not think there is a problem . Maybe there isn’t a big problem ,I just want to do the right thing by my boy and want him to go to dads . I’m not perfect but haven’t spoken badly of his dad to him . I’m also very nurturing at bed time and maybe this is why my son is finding the change difficult .
Please any suggestions ?
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3 Replies
Just state what you have said. The mediators do this everyday and generally are really good at making sure they resolve the issues.
Sounds like a pretty generic access set up.
It's odd you had such a peculiar relationship with him, ie one night a week. Yet he moves in with this lady seemingly overnight?
My son went through the same issues but he had outbursts towards his father and his father's partner. Saying things like "I hate you! I want mummy!! You're not my friend!!!"
But in saying that, he also had not seen his father for 3 years.
Toddlers do sense your anxiety so if you haven't already, please see a psychologist and counselor to get your issues sorted.
He has a lawyer and they have sent you a draft of consent orders. You've disagreed and theyve organized mediation right?
If you are ok with the consent order draft as they are, use this time to address not your emotional needs about control etc and how you're insecure about his time with his dad...
I mean yes, kids are territorial over their stuff and their room. Your son doesn't have his own bedroom there and it's not practical anymore for him to sleep with his dad. He should have his own space and things. So that might be a good place to start.
That might mean you showing some leadership and offering to buy some essentials to be kept there so it's familiar to him and are SOLEY his.
I sent my son with a tooth brush, books, some clothes and a favorite bunch of toys. Anytime he wore something that "belonged" at dads, I washed and returned back the next week.
Try not to fight each other over the small stuff. He's got to navigate his relationships with the other children and you've got to let them parent.
I would take your son to a psychologist to help him with his issues and also to have professional opinion to support resolving the matter through mediation.