More than separation anxiety?

Anonymous

More than separation anxiety?

I need help with my almost 8 year old son. My son has ASD and ADHD. for over a year now he has been extremely frightened of being in a room alone. He absolutely refuses to be alone in a room by himself. He wont play by himself and gets beyond panicked when hes alone or I ask for privacy or to be alone for 5 minutes. Its gotten so bad that I cant cook without him standing at my elbow, I cant go to the toilet alone, I can't shower alone, I cant sleep alone, I cant eat alone. Hes been seeing a psych for quite a few months now and it hasnt helped at all. I know every kid goes through an "I'm scared of something phase" but this is majorly impacting his and my everyday ability to live and function normally. If I so much as ask him to sit down and watch you tube for 5 minutes he spirals out of control and starts panicking like someones tearing him away from me. I cant live like this anymore. Its impacting my relationship with him majorly. His father has him full time now and I have him every second weekend, but times like these (school holidays) where I have him for weeks on end is unbearable. I end up sending him home early because I cant cope. I've read every single child psych literature you can throw at me about separation anxiety, childhood fears you name it. I've tried every trick in the book you can think of. Bribing, incrementally moving away, ignoring the problem. Positive reinforcement. Showing him there is nothing to be scared of. I have sat on my lounge for 3 days straight and done nothing but play minecraft, watch youtube and netflix (isolation due to covid) Im not allowed to sit outside and have a coffee without him being there. I just want some damn space. Bedtime is madness. I have to lay down with him for over half an hour and MAKE SURE I have my eyes open the whole time. If he wakes up at 3am hell wake me up and say you have to stay awake until I fall asleep again and will keep waking me up until I get the sh*ts and crack it cause I'm so tired. This behaviour isnt normal and its impacting how I feel about my son. I know kids can act out for a few weeks, maybe even months when something changes like custody or school, but this is going on near 2 years now. I just want to be a normal parent to a normal child... I dont know what to do anymore...

Posted in:  Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing, Education, Behaviour, Kids, Aspergers & Autism

11 Replies

Anonymous

Does he behave this way at his dads house?

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Anonymous

Yes he behaves the same way

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Anonymous

Is he scared of ghosts? Strangest question probably, but I was like this at my grandparents house because I was petrified of ghosts and the house was supposed to be haunted. I took the phobia with me right through to adulthood and I will not live in an older house or go on tours of old buildings like jails. Ask him what he is scared of?

Regardless of his reasons for doing this you could try a few things. A dog. Literally the best thing for calming an anxious person and it makes you not feel alone, you feel protected. You could also try having noise in every room like the radio or TV. Make the house well lit and open it up whenever possible.

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Anonymous

I dont think its ghosts. Hes never mentioned seeing/hearing anything at all. I spoke to his father tonight and asked him what the psych says, and apparently its be cause he doesnt feel secure/stable?

I understand change can sometimes be difficult for a child but to have this anxiety for so long and at such extremes is not normal at all. I remember when I was a child my mother use to move us 1-2 times a year. I'd change schools about once a year etc but I never developed a fear of being alone... I've been in the same house for going on 2 years now and his dad has been at the same place for quite a few months... I just dont know what to do and the psych says there is nothing we can do... just wait it out because no methods are working... his father and I have tried it all and nothing has worked. I just dont know how hes going to keep functioning like this... we all cant keep functioning like this.

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Anonymous

No it really isn't normal which is why I thought he may have a phobia driving his anxiety through the roof. Given he has ASD change has probably affected him more than you can comprehend. I still think to try a dog. Talk to your ex and explain your concerns and see if you can get him to agree to a pet dog, one that can go to either house. I guarantee you will see a difference over time.

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Anonymous

It is normal for a child with ASD. My son runs up and down the room and won't stop talking. I have had to sleep with him every night because he just kept waking and calling to me. Recently he's been able to get to sleep alone because he's felt more secure. Just because you were fine growing up doesn't mean a ASD child will be. I think you need to go to information groups or counseling sessions for yourself to understand Autism. It's not something they can switch off. He will be like this in someway forever. Even if he learns to cope being alone he will always need lots of attention. As he grows he might be able to get this from friends. Some parents have it worse much worse and there is never any relief or options for their child to just change because it's too hard for the parents. It takes alot of time, energy, patience and love. I used to hate sleeping with my son. It hurt my back but it was the best option for both of us.

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Anonymous

Sounds aweful for u both! Sounds like he needs to see a child psychiatrist and be medicated for it! Good luck!

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Anonymous

I think some therapy for yourself would be helpful. I found acceptance therapy hugely helpful in my life.

It also sounds like he needs a new psychologist, and a revisit with his peadiatrucian and possibility a psychiatrist. The kid needs help and the psychologist sounds out of her depth if she hasn’t provided any kind of intervention (have you spoken to the psychologist yourself as you are entitled to do that).

To get through this you and dad are going to have to get on the exact same page. I one of you is using one strategy and the other doing something different you will be undoing any success (if any) one parent has had. So it may involve you both going to appointments for awhile.

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Anonymous

Why was there a change in custody?
Were you the primary career up until the change?
Was this when all this began?
There’s a reason and this sounds like the obvious one?
Is he upset when you send him back to dads?
If he’s like this at dads, how does dad cope with full time care?

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Anonymous

I’ve just reread this.

1. This problem has been going on for 12 months.

2. He’s only been seeing a psych for a few months.

3. The longer a issue continues the longer it takes to fix. It’s going to take much longer to fix this issue and as hard as it is for you are going to have to develop some patience. Sending the kid home because you can’t cope is most likely going to make the situation worse.

4. Does your child have visual schedules etc so he knows where he is going to be and when? Does he get phone calls etc so he knows you will still be there when he is at dads etc?

5. If you can’t cope for the holidays how is dad expected to cope?

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Anonymous

Maybe just scared of losing you. Step up, don't send him home. Assure him you are there no matter what. Sit, cook, eat, watch TV, sleep with him until he is secure enough to know you are there for him. You are the adult get some help your self too. Good luck x

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