Hold on, it's a long one.
My husband had been messaging a female colleague he was friends with for about a year. The messages started to get a bit weird and I was feeling uncomfortable about it, call it a gut feeling, I trusted my husband but I didn't feel right with this woman. Women can be such bitches!! So I asked for him to back off a bit, they didn't really. The messages were showing me that this woman had a thing for my husband, not just a friendship, there was no backing off. My husband's messages were quite normal of a friend. But I still didn't feel right about this woman, so I asked my husband to talk to her and stop with the messaging. He agreed that her messages were getting away from just friendly, so he did talk to her, she got a tad bitter, saying that I have no reason to hate her (I didn't hate her, just didn't trust her... I should add that my husband has quite a few female friends and I have no problems at all with them).
Well, she was off work for a few weeks after this, apparently attempted suicide due to other issues. This was untrue and only told this to my husband (No one else) by her for sympathy and to use it to manipulate him.
I found out recently by accident, on his phone, that when she came back to work, my husband started messaging her again. Each message checking on how she was doing, if she had sought further help etc. Her responses were things like "I'm the luckiest to have you. Everyday without you even knowing it, you show me the kind of man I want to be with. You are beyond amazing". These are just two quotes of the many message/email exchanges. She was also wanting him to meet up with her away from work, just them, so she could "talk" about her ex... he never went. Another lot of messages she wrote, "Thank you for always being too good to me, if only I could meet someone EXACTLY like you". Lots of affectionate terms that I didn't think were appropriate and I consider myself pretty relaxed with this sort of thing. Another person has said that her body language was also starting to get 'touchy feely' at work, she would touch his arm in conversation, rub his leg if sitting near each other.
Even after asking him not to, my husband continued to message her, even lied to my face one day when I asked him if he'd chatted with her. Admitted to deleting messages as he felt I'd be hurt with what she'd written.
YES, I know that my husband did the wrong thing, he lied and betrayed me. But I know my husband (of nearly 2 decades and 4 kids) pretty well, he has a heart of gold and would do everything to make sure someone was safe, especially from themselves.... I feel that she knew this and was using her supposed suicide attempt to manipulate things to try and take things further as he had shown no interest in her other than a friend.
The reason why I am asking for some advice is, is it normal for me to be angry that she gets away with her part in it?? That my husband has taken all responsibility as he knows he jeopardised our marriage by breaking my trust and lying to me, over and over again... yet, she goes off to manipulate another poor man!! (I have since found out that she has ruined another relationship and another marriage at work). Why should she get away with inappropriately messaging another woman's husband.
I really want other people to see her for who she is and not the victim she plays to manipulate. I don't want anyone else to feel the way I'm feeling.
38 Replies
You are waisting your energy being angry with someone who sounds extremely unwell mentally.
Yes she crossed a line, but only our husband is responsible for protecting that line. You can’t spend your energy and time being furious at people who hit on your husband.
I’d also not be quite so furious at your husband in this case. He sounds like he is normally very good at maintaining that line. It can be hard when dealing with someone who is so unwell especially after they have attempted suicide. Rightly or wrongly there is a level of guilt as a friend or an acquaintance and it can be a natural anxiety reaction to want to not be a cause of pain to that person.
My advice, don’t contact this person. It doesn’t sound like you’d get any closure from it. It doesn’t sound like her eyes are set on your husband in any real way, she’s feeling lost and is desperately trying to feel connected to something.
This reply is all you should read IM. I can’t articulate it as well but please follow this advice.
Your husband has tried to be supportive and sounds like he is a genuine guy who has tried to help a friend and also try to protect his wife.
This lady needs help, not to be pubically shamed. But it’s not your or your husband place to help her. Leave it be and be happy your married to a guy who would go so far to help a friend out.
Regards the lying to you about msgs, that’s something you need to sort out seperate to this. Did he feel he had to lie because you wouldn’t understand? Are you too jealous?
That’s a communication issue for you and your husband to sort out
Cheating, it's a fine line. He has chosen to lie, disrespect you, your marriage. I'd be saying end the friendship, no contact and he has to be an open book
Uhhhh your husband, the married one, went out of his way to make this happen. What exactly was he doing? What did he get out of it? She could be anyone. If not her, he'll find another. Its only him that you need yo be concerned about.
It sounds to me like he was trying to support her. I'm not sure he's done anything wrong other than try to hide something that was actually just him being a kind person because he felt you would see it as a betrayal. I'm not sure I even see her as a home wrecker... she's obviously psychologically unstable and emotionally needy. I think you need to find a way to trust your husband if he's a good guy.
In my books, it's cheating.
First time, okay. But once you've specifically said, things don't feel right, please pull back... and lies are made... it's crossing the cheating line. It's betrayal.
If he really felt terrible about the attempted suicide, the perfect thing to do would have been to openly talk to you about it. Say look, I want to reach out to her, worried about her ect... But it was again, lies and behind your back. Crossing the line.
Nope nope nope.
Leave her alone, she sounds like she has deeper issues then just picking taken men. The issue is your partner because he fails to communicate the truth to you and crossed boundries after you'd clearly said no more.
His wife is incredibly jealous and controlling, no wonder he didn't tell her he was helping someone out, would you say the same if he were helping out another guy?
She has forced him to stop talking to her, what a shit position to put him in. This lady is obviously quiet unwell, and is reaching out, he's just been the one who listens to her. Doesn't mean hes lying or cheating because hes not.
Before it was obvious she was unwell, this woman asked he stopped talking to her. She's also broken up another relationship with others at work... it's clear she is very sick and has an ulterior motive and likes the married men....
He keeps crossing a line to talk to her.
I would NOT be comfortable reading messages as this poster has given examples of that this woman sends to her husband... it's not appropriate. Call it controlling or jealous but I am far from both of those and this is something i would not accept in my relationship.
I'd say he understood she needed a friend. Suicide attempts don't come out of thin air
This post made me angry that you could be so heartless. Like seriously, you are! Your husband has done nothing wrong and you are jealous of a woman who is clearly unwell. You have never met her which increases your jealousy. If you knew her personally you would most likely feel less concerned. Your husband has not emotionally cheated on you like you implied, are you for real? What's he actually done? You are behaving like a bratty insecure jealous wife for no reason. No really, it's no reason.
Your husband is possibly too polite to tell her he isn't interested in being a rock for her, so he's probably hoping she will stop on her own. He is probably treading lightly because is so vulnerable. The best thing he can do is suggest to her to seek professional advice as he is feeling drained and needs to catch a breather for a while.
As for you, you really should stop getting offended over nothing. She isnt a risk to him because he has been just a listening ear . Nothing more. Hes not interested in slipping his cock in her, because let's face it, that's what you think he is going to do. He isn't.
You have no compassion for the mentally unwell, you even want to tell people about her, calling her vindictive and saying shes not a victim , and u want to show ppl her painful messages.
The only vindictive person in this is you. You aint' no victim, yourself.
Why are you hell bent on controlling him as well as her. You don't even trust your own husband for no good reason at all. I'm literally shaking my head in amazement at how stupid this is.
An emotional affair is when a person goes outside their marriage to seek emotional intimacy - he hasn't done that, he's done nothing but offer supportive words to a person who very clearly needs it.
I'm so sick of all these little catchphrases being thrown around when people don't fully comprehend what they mean. Emotional affair, gaslighting, narcissist, I could go on...
This woman is sick. She has attempted suicide. You have absolutely no idea the inner turmoil that woman is/has been experiencing. Her mental health would have a lot to do with her impulsive, inappropriate and probably reckless behaviour. Yet you want to expose her for "playing the victim", have you considered that someone that unstable is actually quite vulnerable to victimisation themselves?
I'd actually argue that she hasn't "wrecked" other workplace marriages, she been taken advantage of by opportunistic men that don't respect the sanctity of their own marriages.
You need to focus on your own relationship and not revenge because that's actually beyond vindictive....
She tried to commit suicide, she clung to the one person who showed they cared.
Jesus lady, have some compassion, being mentally unwell enough to try to kill yourself is pure hell, it’s rock bottom, believe me, she is suffering enough in her own piece private hell.
Empathy is the ability to walk in someone else’s shoes, your ego hurts, but try it, it’s an incredibly important trait to have.
I love how this is supposed to be a safe place to ask for advice, yet I feel very attacked by some of these responses.
A few things I need to add.... the suicide attempt, looks to be untrue and a sympathy ploy.
I only provided snippets of what she'd written, much more to this story.
It has nothing what so ever to do with mental health, I have suffered with depression for 30 years, anxiety, panic attacks etc. None of these issues gives anyone a right to go after another woman's husband!!!
I'm far from a jealous person, this is about trust, trust put into my husband being broken and trust that another woman would have some respect for the sanctity of marriage.
I was skeptical if the suicide thibg was real or was it used as a plea to lure your husband back in to speak to her? I don't really believe for a second it was true...
I said it before though, I'd leave her out of it. You've set boundries with your husband (ones that I think are reasonable and fair considering the messages you've read) and he keeps ignoring them.
Someone who pretended to commit suicide and tells their workplace is pretty messed up, this woman is not healthy on any level.
I understand you being angry with your husband, but to seek vengeance on this woman, who is clearly damaged, says more about you than her.
Do you not comprehend how manipulation works??
Looks to me like the woman couldn't get him to cheat like others would have so she tried manipulating the husband...
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perception of others through indirect, deceptive, or underhanded tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at another's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative and devious.
Let’s face it, she isn’t a great manipulator, because otherwise the husband would have slept with her.
Even if she is this master manipulator, someone confronting her isn’t going to help anyone. Just give the OP more feelings of frustration when she doesn’t get the response she was looking for!
The best revenge here OP his living a happy healthy best life and forgetting about this woman who wasn’t even successful.
I was someone who threatened or attempted suicide. All suicide ideology should be taken seriously. My mother said I was only doing it for attention which in turn made my trust in her, resentment, anger, pain worse. I was not to long after admitting to hospital where it was discovered that I'd been harming myself but no one knew because I wore clothing and never got undressed or wore swim wear in front of people.
My other sibling works within the medical field with veterans and mental health. She told my mother that I needed to be watched very closely because the huge risk factor was there. I was also dangerously impulsive and resourceful.
Suicidal behaviour, even if someone says "I'm going to kill myself" is never a joke or attention seeking.
Try to keep an open mind.
Well you did ask us if we think you're nuts and is it cheating.
Yes to the first part and No to the last.
You never described any of your further comments in your original post so we can only go on what you first wrote, once it goes to Facebook, you'll get more people agreeing its nuts. Might want to edit and update the original then.
Oh and weather she made up the suicide story or not, it still shows how unwell her mind is. So you're comments regarding that are still pretty shocking. She's clearly mental unstable, regardless, so have a little empathy, especially since you, yourself have suffered from mental illness in your life too.
Going by the messages alone, no he is not having an affair he is simply supporting someone who is mentally unwell, something I would hope everyone would do. It does seem as though she has a bit of a crush but I don't think he is encouraging it.
Yes you are nuts (controlling, jealous, vindictive and cruel) and no it’s not cheating.
Maybe you need to look in a mirror to see cruel!! You're a nasty piece of work yourself.
I wonder how you'd feel if your husband received messages like "i want someone just like you" or deleted messages so you couldn't see, or lied multiple times about the fact he was speaking to her. She's stated he has plenty of female friends, so she's not just some mole. The lady he speaks to sounds like the jealous, vindictive and cruel person. NOT THE POSTER.
Honestly, these replies are feral.
Everyone would bang on about it being emotional cheating if her mental health wasn't mentioned. Mental health doesn't excuse for cracking on to someone in a marriage!!! What the fuck people!!!
I am 100% if your husbands were messaging a woman who sent things like "i want to find someone like you" to your huaband, you'd feel VERY uncomfortable with their relationship... whether she wanted to kill herself or not...
Thank you!!!
I really needed to see this.
After messages like "Yes you are nuts (controlling, jealous, vindictive and cruel) and no it’s not cheating."
It really hurt me.
I'm far from a jealous person. I love that my husband has many female friends.
Im hurting so badly that he has lied to me and been so deceitful. Although he's not innocent... To me, it is all because of the manipulation of this woman.... playing on his kind heartedness.
I'm so broken.
I don’t understand why you are so broken.? He needs to cut her off, if it’s affected you this much. If he doesn’t cut her off then he is the problem but I wouldn’t be broken unless he’s been cheating on you. He is being kind and she isn’t well. If they haven’t cheated and your husband isn’t writing msgs like that to her then take that as a blessing and move forward. Tell him if you find one more msg and he doesn’t cut her off then you are out. He needs to respect you and how much this has hurt you.
I think may her husband isn’t so innocent in this.. I wonder what was in his reply’s that he deleted.. this is why she is probably broken. He doesn’t sound so innocent. It takes 2. If he respected his wife he would have cut her off the first time.
So many of these replies are very invalidating. And while I don't agree she should "out" this woman, I feel like you all would feel uncomfortable if you were in her position so to call her jealous is just weird..
I don’t think this lady sounds jealous. She sounds worried.
She is getting away with anything. She actually sounds like she needs help. She is probably crying out for help and craving attention. Good for your husband in what he has done but I feel like he really need to cut her off completely as she has issues. If he cuts her off which is the respectful thing to do then you both have nothing to worry about. She sounds unwell and simply stating that she wishes she had someone like your husband. She is paying him a compliment because she finds him comforting to talk to. She probably has big issues that no one knows about and reaching out for help. If you trust your husband then you have nothing to worry about either.
She isn’t getting away with anything that was meant to say.
You are not crazy.
Yes I would react the same way you have. Nothing grinds my gears more than women who do shit like this.
I find men pretty stupid sometimes in these situations, and when they have no mutual feelings to the woman cracking on to them, they tend to not see what the woman is doing. I have found in personal experience men a lot of the time will not see it when I woman is playing manipulation games as well.
I don’t know how I would react to this situation, I would be pretty angry.
From what you have said it seems your husband has gotten himself into a pretty bad situation without meaning to and feels guilty and possibly the cause of this woman’s “attempted suicide”
I would speak to him about how he feels in relation to that. It would probably clear up some of those feelings you have about your trust being broken. I think he’s a genuine caring guy, and is probably not equipped to handle a situation like this with backing away and not feeling guilty.
He could be feeling like if he cuts off communication she will attempt suicide “again” and feels responsible for her actions.
I would also tell him to stop deleting messages. If she is this unhinged he could end up facing sexual harassment case or anything if she gets hurt in this situation.
If hubby can’t handle this himself I would get him onto speaking to HR or someone in management - tread carefully though, this could all backfire into a new problem and she may turn the tables onto him.
I wish you all the best and I hope this all stops before you are hurt any further.
i work in mental health and this screams personality disorder and her behaviour will not change. Is it cheating? No I don’t think so, I truly believe your husband is just naive and a bit of an idiot who is worried about her well being. People with PD usually harm themselves to get the attention they crave. This can be quite harmful to her if your husband gives her too much attention as she will latch on to him and depend on that attention. This will only intensify and if your husband ever cut ties with her she will try to harm herself. People with PD are usually the centre of chaos because their process of getting their needs met are different to others.
This was me. Happily married 15 years and 4 young children. A mum has responsibilities and cant compete with the “fun” and ego boost that these women give them. Needing help and sympathy at work, then interstate work trips. Needless to say it didnt end well for me. And we were happy before this happened. Good luck
I'd tell her that you would prefer some professionalism on her part and her personal issues plus relying on your partner to fill that void is inappropriate.
The boundaries are blurred here big time. Ring the woman and tell her to back off. I have had to do this before because my husband is nice and it has been taken the wrong way twice before. This happens when you get those types of desperate women trying to get someone’s husband. The second time, a woman my husband worked with rang my husband to say she wanted to commit suicide. It was a lightbulb moment for him and instead of having the effect she wanted, he realised she had the wrong idea and told her he was not her person and she needed to call someone else. He put the boundary there at that moment because it was blurred. Your husbands intentions to her are not clear and what is he doing letting her touch him inappropriately at work for other people to see? He needs to be on the same page as you otherwise if he keeps messaging her back she won’t get the idea!
I've been in this exact same situation, my husband too lied about stopping talking to her, deleted messages because he didn't want me to be upset. It was 12 months of hell for me.. I wasn't sure if our marriage would survive it. The messages he sent were clearly innocent, just checking to make sure she was ok as the relationship she was in at the time was horrible... or so she made it out to be. But he hid them from me, and it caused a lot of tension and fights. My hubby actually thought I could be friends with her... so I went to coffee with her one day... And made an attempt to befriend her... Nope, she told me about the times she cheated on her partner. Who does that the first day you meet someone?
Anyways... long story short... I told my husband that even tho he works with her, out of respect for me and our marriage the friendship is to stop, he knew he messed up and ruined a big part of trust by lying and being secretive and told her the next day at work to back on and that I don't trust her... and she rang me at my job on tears abusing me, and saying I need to question my hubby more blah blah.
They now only say hi professionally if they cross paths, once she got the message she ended up chasing another guy.. My hubbys boss 😏
Unfortunately there is not much you can do to out these people, just hope that karma catches up with them.