I’ve lied to my husband, he is beyond angry/hurt and is talking about leaving me

Anonymous

I’ve lied to my husband, he is beyond angry/hurt and is talking about leaving me

Hi All

For starters please know I am a very kind hearted woman with strong morals that absolutely adores my husband of 20 years. We are known as a rock solid, madly in love “power” couple to those we know.

Mostly when we were first together I lied to him and fabricated stories about my past relationships and what I had got up to sexually with other men before him. I was terrified of his judgement and for him not to want to be with me if he knew (my past isn’t really that bad) but I was embarrassed and ashamed about it and didn’t want him to know.

This has meant that my husband always believed we had shared many firsts in the bedroom and felt he was on a pedestal which was great for his ego as he is very self conscious and has many insecurities. I wanted so badly for all of my firsts to be with him.

Recently one of the lies come out in the wash and I was exposed. This tore him apart as he felt our whole sex life was a lie. He feels he cannot trust me (this is the only thing I have ever lied about) and has since started questioning me about so many details of my past and what I got up to wanting the TRUTH. I haven’t hesitated in answering his questions as at the moment I feel I would do anything to make this better for him. More lies have been exposed during this process. He is at breaking point and will barely speak to me. He’s been angry, called me names and is now saying he wants to move out. The only thing stopping him is he has nowhere to go and can’t afford it in the interim.

We have had other arguments over the years and he is quite extreme when he is angry then settles over the coming days.

I’m just so scared, petrified even. We have built the most beautiful life together and are otherwise madly in love and very happy. He is my world, my everything.

I also suffer from bi Polar, it’s not an excuse for this but possibly a contributing factor.

Our hearts are shattered right now. It’s such a sad time for us. I know what I have done is terrible.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Please go easy on me I am beyond devastated xx

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage

12 Replies

Anonymous

But it’s your past... before he met you. Why would he care so much?
No, you shouldn’t have lied, but why is it such a big deal to him?
No advice other than complete transparency going forth

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Anonymous

It sounds like she's lied to him about their experiences, I can understand why he feels manipulated and stupid.

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Anonymous

Everyone leaves stuff out when they meet someone new. We all sell the person we want to be, kind of like a CV. You don’t put that time you did stupid shit, you put in your high points.
He seems to have lost perspective and hopefully he gains some in coming days.
I would actually encourage you to get some marriage counselling, as a marriage that relies on you having to stroke his ego isn’t as picture perfect as you portray. It sounds like you’ve had to do a lot of overcompensating for his insecurities for the last 20years in order to avoid some pretty extreme reactions from him.

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Anonymous

Please post this on Facebook, I think it will be beneficial to the poster.

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Anonymous

This is a bit strange of him, who cares what you did? I think we all tell white lies or leave out information when it comes to past sex lives. My husband and I have never discussed our sex lives before but he did tell me that he and his ex had not had sex for over a year before they split but that was just to give me an idea of how their relationship had ended. Not that I needed to know. Your husband sounds a bit childish to be making such a big deal about this.

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Anonymous

I have to admit that if my partner lied to me about being his first in many ways then 20 years later I found out it was all bullshit I would be pretty upset as well. It wouldn’t have much to do with the firsts but the effort it took to keep your past covered up for so long. I can definitely see why he is hurt and is questioning what else you have lied about. Little lies tend to turn into bigger lies over time. It would be hard to trust somebody that he has fabricated a past just to make them selfs look better. I would be looking at councillors for couples and single sessions.

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Anonymous

Sorry I have no sympathy for him, the past is the past, everyone has a past and its over! His ego is bruised, so immature thinking about breaking up your marriage because of this. You obviously lied to him because you knew he couldn’t handle the truth. He needs to build a bridge and get over it! Absolutely childish!

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Anonymous

So you lied to him for many years obviously elaborating on those lies when talking about firsts and you're wondering why his upset? I would be too! I would be wondering what else you've lied about. I think the excuse that 'we all leave stuff out and it's in the past' is actually very hypocritical. A lie is a lie and it's not like you've been together for 2 years - it's been 20 which suggests to me that you would have had many opportunities to correct him/come clean and from what you've said in your post this isn't a matter of telling him you've had 2 partners when you've actually had 6 they seem like you have lied about special things that are important to him. You need to earn back trust - be an open book. As a previous poster said maybe some counselling could help. Good luck

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Anonymous

Similar happened in my marriage however it was my husband who did the lying. He exaggerated things quite extensively and after 6 years he told the truth. It hurt because we’d been exploring our sex life together and navigating things and quite frankly, it was based on lies. I was under the impression one thing and it just wasn’t it.

Yes the past is the past but my views on him wouldn’t have changed if I knew the truth all along. I only cared because for 6 years I was under an illusion that was clearly fabricated. His dishonesty does make me question sometimes just what else he has lied about and whether or not the things we did were as good as he said they were etc.

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Anonymous

I see a few red flags here, the power couple term, the fact you felt the need to portray yourself in a certain light for him to accept you and now the fact that his ego is so bruised by past lovers. Forget how you’re perceived by others as a couple, that isn’t important, what’s important is how you are behind closed doors.

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Anonymous

What stands out to me is that all those years ago you felt the need to lie. I honestly think that speaks volumes about the basis of your relationship, his ego and your self esteem. I also think this stemmed from a level of shame, 20 years ago was far less progressive than today in terms of women's sexual empowerment. Women were still held to archaic standards and slut shaming was still pretty rife.

I feel that all of this suggests that you're not the rock solid power couple you think you are - that's merely the image you guys put out into the world. You need to worry less about your perception and actually take off your rose coloured glasses and examine your relationship for what it is and I think there's a few problems.

Marriage counselling is needed asap. The issues seem to go far deeper than your lie.

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Anonymous

He's overreacting far too much. I don't feel she bold faced lied. Our sex lives before our current partners are often watered down or omitted all together. In my genuine humble opinion, I think he's blown it out of the ground of common sense. It was far too long ago and yet hes carrying on like shes cheated during the marriage just this week. He's behaving ludicrously.

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