Hi, my almost 12 year old son is dreading going to his dads this weekend. He hates going and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have always encouraged him to go. But it’s now becoming a real problem. Has anyone been through this? What did you do? I feel like he will start hating me if I force him to go. It’s just so hard 😟.
My son not wanting to go to his dads for fortnightly visits.
My son not wanting to go to his dads for fortnightly visits.
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
8 Replies
Poster here he isn’t in any danger or anything like that. He just does not enjoy going and it’s affecting his moods badly.
Why doesn’t he want to go?
While I think he's old enough to have a say, he has to give a valid reason. Not just one of the BS excuses kids come up with.
Dad's always at work and I'm stuck at home with....
I get yelled at too much.
I don't have any privacy.
And give dad the heads up in a gentle way so he has the opportunity to fix it if he wants to hold onto a relationship with his son.
This, and point out how it would feel if the situation was reversed.
By the 3rd child had learnt to step back from the relationship with their father (I’m a slow learner). I got burnt with the older two as they grew up and realised Dad wasn’t such great company trying help them mediate it out and speak to Dad caused huge issues for me.
So when my daughter was 12 and decided she no longer wanted to go I just said ok. I didn’t change care with CSA because I did hope she would change her mind. She is now 14 and has seen him twice in 2 years. Their relationship is not my responsibility. If he wants to see her more than he needs to work on the relationship.
I just make my home a safe place, chat without judgement and remind her that counselling is available if she would like.
Make the visits more frequent but shorter. If Dad is only involved every second weekend then it is like going visiting rather than being at home with a parent. It’s exhausting staying away from home so regularly. The best thing you can do is get Dad more involved - not less. Make him as comfortable with Dad and at Dad’s as he is at home with you. The worst thing you can do is stop the contact. He will lose a very important male relationship at a time when he needs adult men the most.
I strongly advise going to mediation. It’s free and they are great at helping resolve issues with custody. They see these kind of issues all the time, and they see what works. Their interests are what is best for the child and how to help ensure they are happy and get the best relationship possible with both parents. Try it! You won’t regret it, and it will help get Dad on board with changes to your arrangement!
I stopped forcing mine around the same age. He still goes to special occasions like xmas or fathers day etc. He is a much happier child for it. His father couldn't care less as long as I didn't update the arrangement with csa. As long as he didn't pay more he didn't care about my son at all