Today at a family bbq my sister in law happened to mention I’m too educated and use too many big words and that it’s nasty that I do and makes her feel bad.
She said that I act like I’m educated and it makes her feel less. And all because she said she had been watching the crown and didn’t know what the word abdicate meant and I said for a king or queen to step down from ruling. She then got stuck into me saying I only knew that because I went to a rich persons school
I did in fact go to a catholic girls school but my parents scrimped and saved to send my sister and I there, I love to read and to learn new things and I’m currently studying to be a teacher, I never meant to make her feel bad. I apologised and explained I was just telling her the meaning of the word and she said she doesn’t want me using big words around her children or around her, She also doesn’t want me to read to her kids or mention reading to them or that I like to read.
I’m not sure if there’s anything more I can do to fix the upset I caused today apart from apologising again and not using big words. My mother in law said I didn’t say it in a nasty way and that my sister in law did ask what the meaning was. Does anyone know what else I can do to fix it? I didn’t mean to upset her
19 Replies
You said sorry to her which I feel never needed an apology anyway.Her opinion of you is her problem. If she feels inferior for what it seems as no reason, that's on her. Unless you were argumentative and opinionated at the time. If you weren't, I wouldn't worry.
Have you ever asked to test her child’s reading level?
I would show her what you’ve written and get it spell checked/grammar checked as there’s quite a few mistakes. Then that’ll show her you’re just on the same level as everyone else and make common mistakes and aren’t “too educated”.
I say this in a jesting way and not at all a shooting you down way.
Was there alcohol involved? This is nuts. How ridiculous!
I went to one of the crappiest schools in my state and I still know what abdicate means 🤷♀️
This is her insecurity, you don't need to dumb yourself down just because your broad vocabulary strikes a nerve with her. It doesn't sound as if you're doing it in a patronising way, it's just the way you talk!
If anyone owes an apology, it's her for sneering at your education status (which is ridiculous in itself).
Keep being yourself. Don't pander to her unreasonable dictations!
I think this is your SIL’s issue to fix. This is about her insecurities and sense of self worth not about anything you’ve done.
It would be very normal in my circle of friends and family to discuss what we have been reading.
BTW I went to a public school and both my parents grew up in a certain suburb known for being rough and high unemployment. Both parents went to public schools but also love to read.
Your SIL has issues.
I think she's being ridiculous
You don't have to apologise for knowing something. You don't have to apologise for answering a question. You don't have to apologise for wanting to learn and you dont have to explain yourself to anyone. She is being an unreasonable brat. Do NOT change the way you communicate just because she is either jealous or threatened. As long as you aren't trying to interfere with her kids or make her feel dumb you just do you.
You don't have to apologise for someone elses insecurities. Don't ever dumb yourself down to make someone else feel better. You are who you are. In this day and age if you want information or education it is within everybody's reach to access it. Your education is nothing to do with her, just as her lack of it, as she says, has nothing to do with you. I don't think it is something you should feel you have to apologise to someone for. There are people out there that are intimidated by big words and intelligence. But there is not alot you can do about it except realise that, it is their own insecurities that cause it, and not something that is wrong with you.
This is her, not you. I went to regular state schools for my entire schooling, and didn't apply myself, and still know what it means.
I read a lot, 99.9% of my "education" has been my own inquisitive mind researching what I want to know, or just reading for fun and googling the words I don't know if I happen to come across one.
In her situation this time around, it's not stupid to not know something, it is fucking stupid to mention not knowing something and being offended when someone let's them know what it means.
I hope you get some good advice on how to deal with this because I can't for the life of me think of a way to offer an olive branch without validating her behaviour which was absolutely atrocious.
Your SIL sounds like a sad bitch who needs to grow the fuck up, you did nothing wrong. She’s the one with the issue. She’s jealous of you and she feels the shame of being uneducated. That’s not on you, that’s on her and her parents.
You can't do anything, some uneducated people enjoy educated people, others get so intimidated they get angry. She's the second. You can use simple words tocommunicate with her but you don't need yo apologise.
Hmmm this all sounds a bit odd like there's perhaps a few pieces missing to your story? Nobody acts like that for no reason. Were you being a bit condescending? Did you suggest that if she read to her kids they would be smarter? Did you then offer to do that? Do you often talk about your Catholic education? Just for the record, Catholic education follows the exact curriculum provided by the state so it is not actually a better education. My 12 year old knows what abdicate means so I'm not sure if it's considered a big word or not, maybe just one not used very often. Its not a word used in everyday conversation so its u derstandable that people aren't familiar with it. Just be more aware of what and how you say things, if you are subtly reminding people you think you're smarter than them then there's a chance they will eventually flip their lid and react the way your sil did.
Yes, I would love to hear her side of the story too.
Hahahaha this exact same thing happened to me but my FIL. My husband says 'punkin' instead of pumpkin. I said one day that I thought it was adorable. I did not believe I was being condescending. My husband didnt mention being offended and my FIL goes 'not all of us have parents that can put us through a fancy expensive education and you need to stop using your big fancy words and stop acting like you're better than everyone".
I was caught so off guard. I wont apologise for my parents trying to give me the best when he didnt do that for his son (I havent come from money my parents just put me first whereas he never tried to give my husband more)
Shes uptight and if she can't accept you for who you are because that makes her feel inferior then that's her problem.
My incident with my FIL was the first of many of him speaking to me like shit. We no longer have anything to do with him (hubby's choice)
Why didn't she just google it
I think we may have the sil 😂 mine had the exact same attitude. She gets super threatened by what she sees as "intelligence". Recently she and my husband were debating something on Facebook that had nothing to do with me but she decided that i must have been behind it. The way that she attacked me has pushed my husband so far from her that he wants nothing to do with her. There's not a great deal you can do, honestly. She'll always feel inferior
My sister feels the need to attack my other sister saying she always feels like she looks down on her career and makes her feel inadequate. Then attacks her husband saying he's a creep (he has never given any reason to make anyone feel this way) and that shes a bad mother.
My sister works in preventative medicine with the UN. she worked hard, she was aggressive in chasing her dreams.
My other sister became a teacher and is jealous. She flouts her superiority over me with resentment and is spiteful.
I am the shitty daughter who made poor life decisions and I own it.
It happens in all families.
Your sister in law does sound like a dickhead.
Don't apologize. She obviously is embarrassed or jealous or just a brat.
She's definitely unreasonable and an adult usually does have a "big" vocabulary. I have not a clue of which language she speaks.