Long story sorry....
My mother has systematically turned my family against me with lies, should I say something to them or just walk away?
It broke my heart when I saw my brother and aunt and they acted as if I wasn’t there, throughout all that has happened, not one of them has bothered to ask me my side of the story and part of me wants to send an open letter to them all and give them the option to see both sides.
A bit of background, I moved into a property she built under the belief that it was to be mine and my children’s one day, that when I could get a home loan, I would just pay out the balance of the mortgage and it was ours, prior to that my mother would claim it as a rental to show regular income and use the equity for collateral on other investment properties.
I was involved from day one, choosing bricks, roof tiles, wall colour, cupboards etc.
I’ve lived their 8 years, paid approx $160,000 towards it and around $10,000 for maintenance and renovations etc.
We moved half an hour from work, my children’s schools etc when we moved into it and paid nearly double what we had been paying weekly.
However, my mother has a habit of using me and I made the mistake of standing up to her last year, since then she has been going behind my back running me down to everyone who would listen, turning them against me, even getting in my ex husbands ear encouraging him to hassle me, a man she tells everyone makes her physically ill to speak too or be near.
Just before Xmas, she sends us notice to vacate, I’m a single mum with 7 children, 1 with ASD and ADHD, (all the same father, I finally managed to leave him 6 years ago after years of domestic violence), I work 3 jobs to keep afloat and make sure my children get everything they and more besides.
We managed to find a house to rent, but it has drained my savings and left us empty, I am fighting for our share in the house and my mother is making sure my entire family hates me for it, including using my ex to sit my children down and tell them that it’s my fault we were kicked out of the house, that it’s my fault my father has severe depression and is suicidal and that she is scared of me!
To clarify, I have had no contact with her for months, only through her lawyer, but she is willing to say anything to try get me to back down, including upsetting my children and have never given her reason to be scared of me, the last contact was me saying how much it hurt that this was happening and that I miss being able to talk to her!
I have never told any of my family most of the things she has done to me in the past and I’ve always forgiven.
These include having used me to run her business for several years, working 5-7 days a week always promising one day a proper wage, then getting rid of me when I was no longer useful to her as I had twins and we didn’t want babies in the shop anymore, she then employed a full time staff member who was allowed to bring her children.
Having and affair with my husband, convincing me it was his fault but I should stay with him and give him another chance, oh and don’t tell your father it will kill him.
Admitting to me that she had been having a 15-20 year affair with another man, but I had to keep that secret too or my dad would not cope.
Telling he she didn’t want to hear it when I told her I had been held overnight at knife point, threatened and raped by a man I dated briefly, making me believe that if she didn’t care as my mother, then no one else would.
Running up a debt in my name for over $5000 (complicated and hard to explain)
The above are only a small amount of what has happened and I’ve always forgiven and just kept going, but this time I’m fighting for a share in the house as it is not just about me but my children and their future.
But I sometimes want to give up, especially when my children are being manipulated and hurt by her and when my own family won’t even look at me.
Should I say something to them? Should I just accept it all and walk away knowing I’ve lost all that money and the only chance of ever owning my own home for myself and my children?
I’m so tired of keeping quiet and everyone thinking the worst of me when they don’t know the truth behind everything.
9 Replies
She's done the most disgusting, hurtful things to you and your children but yet you still accepted a house off her knowing what shes like? Yeah that makes sense .
Most of these examples, not all, but most were after we had already moved into the house, once I was already trapped.
I spent my whole life desperately trying to please her as everyone else thinks she is an amazing person, a loving mother, I always blamed myself, I wasn’t good enough etc
A few years back when I left my husband after years of emotional and sexual domestic violence, a councillor told me that not only was my ex the most dangerous narcissist he had ever dealt with, but that the reason I ended up in that situation was from years of training to be accepting and subservient to my mother, he told me she was as dangerous, toxic and narcissistic as my ex, but I wasn’t ready or capable of hearing it at the time, I thought I still needed my mum.
Actions and acceptance by people in domestic violence relationships rarely make sense to those who have never been in one, hell, I used to look at other woman wondering why the hell they didn’t leave their abusive families, all while not even seeing how desperate my own was...
Of bourse it makes sense. Her mum primed her for a life of abuse. This lady didn’t stand a chance at a healthy life. It’s all she has known.
DO NOT LISTEN to this species whatever she or he is. She's done the most disgusting, hurtful things to you and your children but yet you still accepted a house off her knowing what shes like? Yeah that makes sense .
Do not listen to this thing telling you is basically all your fault cause it’s not.
Write that letter to your family and if you have proof put that in their too. You deserve your name cleared. You have taken her abuse for far too long now. It’s time to stand up tall and speak your truth. 💜💜
To the animalistic THING above .
Some of the OP's drama happened before moving into the house, some after she moved in. None of that was even explained in the actual post. So the parts that happened before she moved in would surely have been a pretty big hint that the OP has a toxic mum.
It's not ALL the OP's fault, where was any of that written? However, anything that happened before she moved in would have been a big warning that her mother has always been disgusting.
If she wrote in her original message that a lot of it was afterwards, it would have made much more sense. She never came back with that until her second response.
You THING.
I’d walk away! Keep your head up high and enjoy your life away from that toxicity.
For your mental health and the sake of your children I would walk away. It will be hard but in the long term you and your children will be so much better off without her in your life
I’m not sure that you will be entitled to a share in this home. Your mum may just say you were a tenant.
Find out your rights but also be prepared that it may cost you more than it’s worth!
Yes, tell them all the truth and walk away. She sounds like a narcissist (Yes, an actual one) and the truth will kill her but she will come back with reasons why you're false but at least you have said your piece and they can all do what they like with that information. Live your life free from her but it means moving away or she will forever try and find ways to bad mouth to you to whoever knows you.