This may be long sorry...
We live a very short distance from my in laws (live rural so not next door but is the next house on the farm) she pretty much has custody of my brother in law's three children. The daughter (12) is outright rude, utterly horrible to my (and all the other) kids, is bossy beyond comprehension to both kids and parents alike, blatantly lies, puts my kids down constantly. She has had a rough few years due to her mother's actions and her parents divorcing My kids (13 and 9) have been bought up VERY differently and know full well they would be in a world of trouble if they behaved even remotely like that. I am beyond proud of how kind and thoughtful they both are. My son (13) especially, he is helpful and always wants to help. Now for some time I have sat back (as it is made very clear that this little girl has had a rough trot and woe is me) while she is utterly horrible to my kids. And while the grandparents sit back and allow it to happen, in front of their eyes. On Monday I got a call whilst at work from my daughter, hysterically crying because my son had locked himself in the room crying and she had a big fight with my MIL and niece over the following;
Niece was saying what a terrible job my son was doing whilst helping in grandmother in the garden. Proceeded to keep at him about what he was doing and calling him lazy, among other things. My son walked away but not far enough away that he could not here her continue on about how lazy he was. The grandfather then came over to the garden and both him and the grandmother were agreeing with niece and validating what she had to say. My son got super upset and offended and ran home crying. My daughter, when she found this out got into her grandmother and cousin to which they continued to carry on about him. My daughter then called me crying.
I rang to see WTF was going on to which my MIL told me my son was in a mood, she never said such a thing. FIL also said no such thing. I could tell from her manner and story changing she was lying so proceeded to call them disgusting and basically went off my nut at them. They both think I over reacted and that it was nothing - my FIL came over that night to deny the whole story and apologize and basically call my kids liars. Which I know they are not. Both my MIL & FIL have been caught out many many times in the past lying to cover themselves. I told him that if they were agreeing with the niece 'to get her out of our hair' were his words, that they are obviously not fit to look after that many children. That child should have been pulled up immediately and reprimanded, not agreed with and justified. And that they under no circumstances will ever have my kids in their care if they, obviously, do not have their best interests at heart. That they would rather hurt my children to avoid an argument with one that clearly needs some discipline. I told them I am disgusted in them.
My husband, though he did not say anything to them supports me on this and has said that niece is not allowed in our house until there is an apology but did not go so far as to blame his parents as such. I have not spoken to them since and am still fuming.
My question is - did I over react? What would be another way to handle this? Ideally I would love to never see or speak to them again and for my kids to do the same but I know that is not going to happen... And how do I get over being in such a rage over the whole thing (which doesn't seem like a big deal but its been getting worse with this kid for a while and there are a million other examples of my MIL & FIL burying their heads in the sand to avoid pulling this child and other family members up on horrible behaviour to my kids)
3 Replies
That is nasty. My ex inlaws did some pretty immature nasty stuff to my kids too and they always called me petty for making a big deal about it but I don't care. They would let some grandkids run a mile and the others were nit picked!
Your neice is not going to even make it through high school, not to mention adulthood thinking she can treat people like this. Her behaviour is unacceptable and it's only going to get worse. I would refuse to let my kids there anymore and that's what I've done with my situation, my inlaws are toxic and it's my kids that get treated like crap so that others can be treated well and my kids are better than that. What are we teaching them if we say just keep putting up with it because she had a hard life?
You knew how this girls treated your children and how the grandparents pandered to her, yet you still allowed your children to be put in this situation. No I do t think you over reacted but I do think you need to take a lot of the blame for this situation. Why would you let your children go there and be and be put through that kind of distinction unprotected?
I'm in agreeance with the above. You're aware of miss 12s issues, her lack of boundaries and her antagonistic attitude, none of this is news to you. Don't get me wrong, you're entitled to be angry with them for treating your kids that way, it was 100% wrong on their part but you need to take accountability for choosing to send your kids into that environment unsupervised to begin with knowing Miss 12 would make the kids miserable at the very least.
To play devils advocate here for a sec too, these grandparents are very clearly out of their depth. I don't think they have it in them to give this girl what she desperately needs, let alone essentially being forced into raising 3 children they didn't bring into the world. Their life is probably so disfunctional they perceived your kids to be the ones rocking the boat!
Going forward, I think I'd try and put it all behind you and encourage the kids to do the same because there's no point letting it eat you up, they're not going to change or acknowledge the problem. Accept the situation for what it is and don't allow anymore unaccompanied visits with grandparents.