This is a sensitive topic and obviously a trigger warning, but I’m reaching out to the sisterhood for support.
My partner and I have been trying for a baby, we were absolutely ecstatic to find two lines pop up on a HPT. Things seemed to be going well and healthy. We had the routine blood tests and all was looking promising. Two days before Christmas, we went in for another routine blood test, to be told we had lost our baby. We were in a state of shock. I broke down in tears and my partner just went quiet and looked at the floor..
We hadn’t told many people about the pregnancy, only 2-3 and were going to announce over the new year.
I’m struggling tremendously. The people that knew I was pregnant know now I’ve lost it. I began to miscarry on Christmas night. I had my partner for support but he wasn’t really sure what to do. I’ve reached out to those that knew and have been left on ‘read’ or simply haven’t had any response at all.
I reached out to my sister only for her to shrug it off and announce she’d had an abortion a couple weeks ago and began comparing my symptoms to her termination. As it was a missed miscarriage, all she could offer was I go to hospital and “get rid of it”
I feel like no-one actually cares. I thought miscarriage was becoming a little less Taboo but I guess not. All I feel is that this is some secret that I have to be ashamed of. I manage a couple hours of feeling okay before I break down again. The drs just told us there’s no reason we can’t try again but I honestly can’t think beyond this loss and freak out that it’s going to happen again. Can anyone offer some advice? We haven’t told my partner’s family as we didn’t want to burden their Christmas..
16 Replies
I have no experience personally but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Make sure you look after yourself and take the time to grieve. I'd also consider telling your partners family or he tells a good friend so he also has someone to talk to x
Sometimes people just don’t know what to say. No one can tell you how it’s supposed to feel or happen or anything. It is becoming less taboo but if you’re attempting to talk to or school people about it don’t be shocked if they don’t respond. Not everyone can talk about it.
I’m sorry for your loss, you need to take time to grieve and maybe get some counselling for yourself and hubby it’s not always straight forward both men and women can feel the loss in different ways. You are lucky to have a supportive partner who is there to help you through this and that’s what is most important.
I had one at 11 weeks back in November. And honestly, it's the most traumatic thing I've been through.
I found no one really did understand and most people didn't know how to support me. In the end, the grief is yours and it's up to you to pull yourself back up. People will always be there if you really need it and I knew that, but at the same time, it was easier to support myself a lot of the time. My partner was great but it was also worse for me for obvious reasons.
I am happy t o keep chatting. I will keep tabs in this post or we can somehow exchange names and message on messenger. I know how lonely and isolating it feels. I did have great support in hindsight but no matter how much support you have, it still feels like no one actually understands you...
Also, if your miscarriage is complete (as in you've passed the fetal sack) that's when I emotionally struggled the most. As soon as that part was over, I was a mess as the hormones took a dive.
Let yourself feels those waves. It does get easier even though it doesn't feel like it yet
It was complete. I don’t exactly know what I was expecting. The dr said it’d just be like a heavy period. Early in the night I had labour like pains. Then in the bathroom passed the fetal sack. I wasn’t expecting to see that and it’s an image forever ingrained in my mind now. Thank you for your kind words, they truly mean a lot.
Sounds like a very similar experience to mine. I passed the fetal sack in the bathroom too. But I felt like I needed to see it to have that closure like it's gone and it's over so I was waiting for that part. But it basically felt like as soon as that part was over, my emotional state took a massive dive downward. No one warned me about that either but I think it's mainly hormones going crazy. The next few days will be emotional but you have to let yourself feel the feels and ride the waves.
Eerily similar if I’m honest. Thank you so much for your support. It’s comforting to know there’s someone that can relate and empathise with what I’m going through and I can relate and empathise with you. Your words mean a great deal to me and I thank you so very much.
Anytime.
I had a friend via the internet who had been through similar and she was my biggest support. It's funny that it helps not knowing someone too closely, but knowing they've been through something so similar helps a lot. Family and friends can only help so much when they have no idea exactly what it feels like..
I'll keep checking back here incase you would like to chat more or message through Facebook if you'd like to. Xx
I’ve sent a friend request - I hope that’s okay (and I’ve got the right account)
I think it really just depends and effects everyone differently.
We struggled with infertility and finally conceived, however we had a miscarriage. Something felt off and my tests were staying light, they would sometimes go dark but mainly quite light which indicated to me something was wrong. I went to the doctors and had bloods done but I already knew. For me, it was actually a relief as it told me that my body knew to terminate when things weren’t right. I spoke about it openly but no one knew what to say, I think more than anything they were intimated as opposed to sympathetic because I didn’t cry about it.
I will say that passing the fetal sack and having contractions on the bathroom floor and practically having to “give birth” was quite traumatic and something I wasn’t prepared for.
Trust in your body though that it knew what it was doing and terminated for a potentially good reason xxx
We had a missed miscarriage several years ago. Due to internal bleeding I did opt to have a DC. It made zero difference to the emotional trauma. I was still unable to function outside my grief for a good week. Let yourself grieve. Don’t be concerned about how others respond or don’t respond.
About a month after we visited a church and lit a candle in honour of our child. It gave me some closure to do this. It’s remains the best advice I can give anyon - do something to honour your child, it doesn’t have to be church, it could be a tree, a dinner, throwing a stone into the ocean or buying a piece of jewellery.
I’m sorry this has happened to you and your partner xo
As one mum to another (you,) I have 3 angel babies and 1 teenage boy. In fact, my son was a rainbow baby after a 2nd trimester stillbirth. Bub number 3 was after my rainbow baby was born.
Some things are COMPLETELY UNFAIR and you do feel helpless.
It is SO HARD to "forget" about these babies... but, you don't have to!!!
The simple fact that you are still going through your miscarriage, I think you should give yourself a little break from being tough on yourself. It'll take some time, theres no right or wrong way... What is wrong is your sister being a bitch about it.
In terms of the other people reading messages and no replying... the hardest thing is not knowing what to say. The lifeline I had was fertility chatrooms on Yahoo, Facebook support and blogs to get my validation.
And sometimes people think early pregnancy loss isnt the same thing as a still birth or a deliberate termination (like your sister tried to explain or Express or compare her experiences with you.)
You both still had your Hope's and dreams for this baby and you will remember in your own little way about this bub.
After 3 years of trying and then getting pregnant, then having a successful pregnancy, I stopped being so terrified after 28 weeks. You know your body best, when you're ready, you'll be ok to start again. You choose your path, love.
After my 2nd baby boy was born still, I took a break for about 12 months, then started again. If my little boy survived, he'd be 19 in May next year. If my last little boy was full term, he'd be 13 next month. We never knew what baby #1 was, we just knew baby #1 was loved.
Please reach out to https://www.sands.org.au/ and see how they can help you through your grief. Be kind to yourself and love each other through this time. X
My heart goes out to you and your partner.
Last year I had 3 miscarriages and each experience was different, but each painful (physically and mentally) in their own way. I find if people haven't experienced miscarriage/pregnancy loss for themselves then there is no real comparison for them to make and be able to empathize fully. It is horrible that you could not get the support you were looking for, especially from your sister (who may be going through her own silent issues with her abortion hence her reaction.. but that's just a theory based on what you've said).
I'm sure you've already been told that miscarriage is quite common and that a large percentage of women will have at least 1, usually the first pregnancy; regardless, it is totally normal for you to feel scared of trying again. I was terrified each time until I learned to let go and accept that I had little to no control over what happens (easier said than done, I know).
Be kind to yourselves and give it time, some people (like me) get back into trying ASAP and some wait years. There is no set 'appropriate' grieving period or wait time. If you find that your fear becomes consuming, I recommend a counselor specializing in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), specifically radical acceptance therapy.
Best of luck to you, with whatever you decide x
Sorry for you loss. I think sometimes people can be a little insensitive when they don’t know what they should say. I found when I had my miscarriages that, what really helped was time. Time to heal and time to process it all. I found a lot of people would just not say anything at all. Until they had experienced it themselves and understood the feelings of isolation and hopelessness you can feel from the experience.
Personally I’m so sorry this happened to you. That little angel had its own plans. You and your partner deserve to grieve and feel everything that comes to you. You should certainly not let the fear of it happening again take over. The horrible truth is 25% of pregnancies don’t result in a baby. Sometimes it takes a few goes. Some people will have 3 pregnancies for one baby, some one for one, others struggle to land a pregnancy at all. When you have your baby your will be more grateful and appreciative because of your experience here. Sending you love through this horrible time xx
My husband and I both had many miscarriages (lost count at about 22) We also were made to feel like you. It is a tabo subject. I guess honestly looking back now people who we loved just didn’t know what to say. The truth is they really can’t say anything that will help heal your heart.
We’ve since 3 healthy amazing children. Nothing prepares you for the loss or heartache.
We have the most amazing strong marriage now as we had to rely on eachother so much through the whole situations.
Do whatever You need to to help heal the pain. It may take time and that’s OK. Everybody is different so don’t be hard on yourself if you feel like it’s taking longer then normal or others feel it should.
Praying that you will be able to soon fall pregnant again.
We just went to a Naturpath and used a women’s mix which helped balanced everything out. Best $50 spent each time we fell pregnant. Hope something simple like this helps too.
Big hugs Mumma x