Partner and I have been together for 3 years lived together for 2. We have 2 girls between us 6 and 7 - both full time apart from every second weekend when his daughter goes to the mums.
I’m still really struggling to have a proper bond with his daughter. She’s a nice girl and I take on the role as stepmum as best I can but the connection is just not there.
Why is it so hard for me?! My partner wants me to be more like a proper mum to her?
I know a lot of my issues stem a from resentment for things that have occurred in the relationship with him and his daughter in the past and our different parenting methods which we are trying to move forward.
Question is how to do I get a better relationship with her? Some days I just don’t want to even be around her - I know that sounds awful :(
I feel like I need to somehow explain to my partner how I am feeling but I’m not sure how to broach it?
Relationship with step daughter
Relationship with step daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
6 Replies
Have you both actually resolved and melded your parenting methods? Do you trust your partner?
At the end of the day you have to remind yourself that this little girl didn’t choose this family dynamic. This is created by the adults.
I think it’s time for a some hard thinking from both adults.
You haven’t really gone any detail on what exactly happened so it’s hard to give advice other than that this situation can’t continue, it’s not healthy and it’s goibg to set your family up for a hell of a time come the teenage years as the girls begin to really notice the dynamic.
Really at the end of the day you have to remind yourself that this isn’t the girls fault. Carve out some time just for you and her. Start to let down your walls and include her in stuff you do with your daughter. The feeling often comes from doing and acting.
Thanks for your comment :)
Yes we have tried to come together with parenting, sometimes we don’t agree but still try and support the other parent. Unfortunately are styles are very different.
I am constantly including his daughter with mine when we do things of course, we don’t really get much time just one on one.
I will help her pick outfits when she needs, do her hair ect
I’m not really good with playing games ect but am the same with my own child. My partner feels like I leave her out at tomes and I think he’s being unreasonable. Last week she had a sleep over at a friends so the next day I organised a play date lunch with my daughters friend and mum, his daughter then came home earlier then expected and I was then made to feel like the bad guy for not inviting her with us.
We tend to not have long cuddles on the couch or in-depth conversations I guess like a mum would, be there isn’t much time with the dad isn’t there and you they have very close relationship it self. Other then that I’m not sure what else I can do?
Is it normal to not have a strong connection or am I just an evil witch?!
It sounds like he has unreasonable expectations!
You can't force a bond or connection, because it will feel forced - you're obviously already feeling that, she'd be feeling it too, it's just uncomfortable for everyone!
I actually think your partner is putting too much pressure on you to step into an intense motherly role that you're not feeling, so it's really no wonder her precense isn't exactly filling you with joy.
Sounds like he needs to understand that she doesn't need you to be her new mum, she's already got one of those.
All she needs is your kindness, respect (aside from her basic care necessities of course).
Your partner also doesn't "decide" - for lack of a better term - what your relationship with his daughter should look like, it needs to develop organically into what it's meant to be.
So, I would first explain to your partner that he needs to ease off a bit because he's putting you in a position you'll eventually come to resent. I'd also try and find some common interests with her, take an interest in her life, engage with her and include her as often as you can but don't feel guilty for just having one on one time with your daughter!
I also think some family counselling would be ideal so you can come to a fair compromise in terms of parenting because if you guys don't get on the same page in that aspect, you're going to keep butting heads about things. It'll be an issue that continues to rear it's head for years to come!
put yourself in this kids shoes. she will know you don't like her, imagine how that feels. Now think, if your daughter went to her dads and his partner didn't like your daughter and how that would make your little girl and you feel. Time to grow up, if you have an issue it's with your partner? you have to find a middle ground and work this out around rules of engagement and how to support each other. as for this young lady caught up in this BS, care for her like she was yours, you chose to partner a man with kids this is now your responsibility to step up, and she is too young for this. You must treat them equally, maybe take the girls to get their toes painted, or out for a cake and baby chino, be active, kids model what they see. show her women can be caring , supporting amazing places of safety. don't teach her how to be manipulative or nasty she has a lifetime to deal with those types
Sounds like she already has a mother! I don’t understand why kids need step parents. Can’t you just be a friend?