I'm a single mum to a daughter with ADHD. I live with my mum due to being in debt. I'm studying full time. I need a job to pay off debt and to be able to afford rent.
So my mum has been bossing me around latley. To the point I feel so small and not an adult.
Today she got home and I was on the phone to a cousin who just got home from over seas I haven't talked to her in ages. I was doing uni work when she called. My mum walked in and stated to clean up the table messing up my work getting it all out of order. Chucked my daughter dinner in the bin with out asking if she was finished I told my cousin I had to go. I apologized. She told me I was lazy and I should have the table spotless next time she is home. And now that I can't take phone calls to it is dark and my daughter is in bed. She has bad days at work and comes home in such a rage all the time.
Latley she has been contradicting my parenting. If I tell my daughterto do something mum will tell her no to do it. Or speak over the top of me.
Yesterday I had a chat to her about behaving at her friends she was about to go to, and if she has any problems come to me and if she's frustrated don't act out and hit her friends (she does this often) I'll help her through it. It was going well then mum goes hey 'X', I was like stop im talking to her. She's like again hey 'X' come here. I said no 'X' stay with me we are chatting. Mum goes I have something for you. She gave her feathers. And goes these are magic feathers they will make you be good. Like totally stepped over me and what I was talking about. This was a stragerty her behavior teachers have told me to put in place. And mum just threw it out the window.
We were in Cole's and my daughter was pulling the price tags off the shelves I told her no and and can't do that. mum was like oh 'X' your being such a good girl look how good you are being. I was like how is that good she is pulling the price tags off. She goes gosh you are negative towards her. Positive praise please. My daughter started pulling them off again going I'm a good girl!
Then she told her in the morning one day if she packs up her toys the lolly fairy will come at night . I said no It won't my daughter started crying saying she wants it to. Mum was like oh look it's already come, I said don't give her lollies in the morning! So she give her one.
I don't know if she is doing it to shit me or what but I'm at my ends whits with it all.
I was talking it my friends at a gathering about how stressed I am with uni and having my daughter being so hyperactive. I'm exhausted. I then said I think her ADHD is getting worse the older she gets. My mother came over and goes "I wouldn't say she has ADHD, she's just a little bit hyperactive, and 'my name's just has some bad moments she is fine. She kept going on completely made me sound like a lyer to my friends (I've known them for over 10 years). I tell them everything they are huge supports to me and my child.
She took me aside later and told me to not to tell any one about my daughters ADHD that is it her secret and I can't talk about it any more that she is protecting her and I'm not by talking about it.
She told me when I got the letter from my pead to not even hand it to her school!
My father left a few years ago, he got over her covering up his mental illness. He was a war vet and came back home with a lot of PTSD. She wouldn't let him talk about it. When I got my PTSD my dad and I started to chat, she went off saying we can't talk about it. No one can know I have it. I was abused when I was younger and it came out later. I OD one day because I held in so much as she told me I couldn't tell any one. When my dad called the ambo she asked them to park around the coarner as she didn't want the neighbors to know.
Now she isn't letting my child express her self.
Yesterday she told me I need to stop seeing her behavioral teacher as she isn't helping with getting her to be calm. She black mailed me said if I dont stop going she won't pay for her days she is a day care. I can't afford the extra day she is in and that is the day I'm up at uni so I need that day. No I have to choose between uni and her behavioral teacher. I'm stuck. Is this financial abuse?
I'm at the point where when I'm financially stable I don't want to talk to her I want to move away and have not much to do with her.
She belittles me makes sure I know how much I stuffed up my life. Tells me all the time that I need to get my life in order. Which I'm doing everything I can to get it in order. She never praises me or tells me she loves me. She calls me a loser and says how would a man want me with a hyperactive child. I feel so small in my self so down lately.
We got into a massive argument last week which ended in her getting out of the car at the lights after I asked her to pass me some Panadol but she threw it at me and it fell under my seat I said to her why can't you be normal. She called me a bitch told me I was horrible to her and got out. I had to drive after her and then she started to bang on the door to let her back in while I tried to find the unlock button. It was SO embarrassing
I could go on for hours but that's the main parts latley.
I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship or not with her.
I've applied for housing but I haven't been contacted yet.
6 Replies
Financially, your mum doesn’t have to pay for anything. Its very generous of her to pay for the daycare. Is she nice about? No, does she use it as leverage? Yes. But it’s not her obligation. So if you don’t like her using it as leverage don’t get her to pay.
Is it time for you to leave your mothers house, Hell Yes.
Is this a healthy relationship, Hell No.
You both sound over involved in each other, the only way to resolve that is moving out.
You’ve written in so many times, your mum is toxic. You moved into a toxic situation knowing it was toxic. It’s not going to get better until you move out and you know it. Until you are willing to fix the problem (ie living with your mother) than your mum is going to continue to be your problem. No you don’t need a job to move out. You need to learn how to budget. Apply for all payments you can get. Is SPP, Rent Assistance, Fam Tax A and Fam Tax B and make sure you’re getting the child care subsidy. Having a debt doesn’t stop you moving out. It limits your finances. If you live there you follow her rules and have the house how she wants it. You don’t stop seeing a behavioural therapist because your mum says too. Move out and be an adult.
You need to find your own place! Just a cheap little unit will do until you are debt free but you definitely need to find your own place for you and your girl.
Your Mum does sound controlling and I guess she is paying for daycare so she has something to control you with. My partners parents did something similar with him, he lived in their house rent free but used it against him constantly whenever they wanted to control him. When he bought his own house they started using his share of the will as a threat. Pay for daycare yourself and watch her find something else to hang over your head.
Your daughter needs to see you as boss and if she's not seeing that then you're in for big issues as she gets older. You think now is hard, wait until she is a teenager. Another reason to get your own place sooner rather than later.
It's really sad she seems embarrassed by mental illness and is putting that shame above the wellbeing of her family. Yet another reason to go.
This will get better but not while you're living there! None of these problems can be fixed by staying there, you all need your own space.
When you have one child, I know, Centrelink isn’t enough to live off.
Cut uni to part time, get a job and move out.
My mum was hard but not like yours, I was able to do long term to save for a house.
Yours is killing you from the inside out.
Move out. Single parent payment is enough to cover rent on a small place. One bedroom is all you need for you and a small child. Study, get a job then start moving up the ladder.
You are living under your mums house so her house, she pays the bills, you have to respect her house rules. She is helping you out by paying Childcare. Maybe realise that she is helping you out a lot, if you don't like the rules, or advice, you need to stand on your own 2 feet.