So, long story short, my children have 2 different dads, and both dads are in their respective lives to varying degrees (happily decided between parents). My relationships with the dads were long term, and did not necessarily end well (one with alcoholism and DV, and the other was like raising a third child, both have stepped up and fixed themselves to the point they are now acceptable role models) and we have parenting orders/plans in place.
Now my issue:
My mother believes that she should have priority to my children over their dads. To the point where i was away on a pre planned trip and she expected me to organise for the kids to be brought to her last minute for a family get together... while i was almost 1500kms away on my second only holiday away from my children (13 and 9 btw).
My children had previous engagements/responsibilities that weekend and i decided to not change them last minute and mess with the schedule i spent weeks setting up due to my anxiety.
My mother does not visit us, we must visit her. My family drink ALOT. I still don't feel comfortable around drunken people after my ex. My mother has not made an effort to come to sports events, concerts or even school fundraising events. She has, in the past, mentioned casually that i "force the kids on her" so i stopped. She sees them maybe 5 times a year now because i don't want to force it.
My question : given the above information, would it be worth instigating mediation with my mother, to try and satisfy her apparent interest in being in the kids life, but also ask for no alcohol etc around my kids and have set weekends for her, or just leave things as is and let my kids decide when they want to see her, which they honestly would pick friends over grandma pretty much any day.
Possibly unnecessary info: i cannot spend too much time with my mother without having anxiety attacks due to the sheer drama she instigates between her children (my siblings) but i am willing to deal with that for my childrens sake.
9 Replies
Nope, just leave it as is. If you go to mediation she might use that against you and demand the kids go to her just because a bit of paper says they should. Let your kids lead the way with their relationship with her but also let her know that she will never be prioritised over the Dads.
Nope, keep strong boundaries. She sounds like she’d ignore what ever was discussed in mediation.
Say no, when you need to.
If that family function was ‘so important’ she would have asked about it well in advance.
Stay strong!
Hell no!
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. If she can't act accordingly, why should she deserve designated time!
Keep it as it is.
Two sides. I bet grandma has a version too .
I assume she does, but as the OP, I'm not asking about her side... I'm asking for advice based on my side. Its actually worse than whats there but i didn't want to overly bias people towards the obligatory "cut her off, you don't need that in your life". I have documentation, messages, and even letters sent over the years detailing the drama involved
🙄 stupid answer!
If this women causes you so much anxiety, why would you inflict that on your kids?
Their dads are their dads. Way more important than her.
Leave it as it is.
I cut contact with my dad 5 years ago. Best thing I ever did. We’re all thriving now because we cut that toxic nonsense out of our life.
She sounds toxic. Stop visiting her and wait for her to say something, then tell her, she is welcome to visit anytime as long as she hasn’t been drinking. She has no right to tell you what to do or rearrange your weekends. No wonder you have anxiety. Cut right back and cut down on contact with her. Get your life control back. Don’t let her control it. You will feel much better.
Please look into narcissistic parenting. This is exactly what my mother was like. I've been 3 years without speaking a single word to her and I'm so glad. She is toxic and I'm better off without her.