My son’s best friends brother (let’s call him Frank) has a range of special needs, I won’t name them as it may identify him but it is quite common for Frank to be extremely violent towards his 3 siblings and his parents. And now given my sons close friendship with Franks brother, this translates into my son also being hit, kicked, sworn at, spat on. My son woke up to Frank standing over him in the night one time which was incredibly frightening for him.
My son is an only child and doesn’t cope well with this, he’s 11 and Frank is only 7 but is almost the same size. Franks other two other siblings are younger again and also subjected to the violence.
My son and Franks brother are very close, they play sport together and are in the same class. However, Frank and his behaviour towards my son is definitely creating tension in the friendship and my son has refused many times to be with his friend if Frank is going to be there.
And I don’t blame him. Every time my son comes home in tears or with a new bruise or tells me how he has had to be locked in a room or how he had to punch him back it breaks my heart.
Am I the asshole if I stop encouraging this friendship outside of school hours? My heart breaks for Franks family but I honestly feel like I need to protect my son by helping him keep his distance. I would obviously not interfere just start making suggestions to extend his friendship group. Thoughts?
14 Replies
Have your child's friend go to your house and stop letting him go to their house. I'm sure his parents will understand if you explain it to them, as tough as it is they would know what their kid is like and should be able to understand it's just too much for other kids to put up with. Or if you feel like being really helpful and could handle this kid you could offer a swap, you take Frank while your son goes to their place? That's a big ask obviously but would solve your problem while providing some respite too.
Nope encourage healthy boundaries. Frank's parents should be putting them in place as it's not ok for any of these children.
If he's not safe, hes tried to fix it, but its jot changed, then don't go, makes sense to me. He could still invite Frank over to his.
If I were in this situation and my child was good friends with Frank's brother, I wouldn't try and discourage the friendship but I'd create some new boundaries.
For example, make sure all the hanging out takes place at your house from now on (I'm certain his parents would u derstand why) and encourage the friendship in a way that gives both your boy and his little mate some respite.
I always want my kid's friends to feel like our house is like a second home, I think that especially applies in this situation.
I wouldn’t let my son go there at all....I would allow the friend over a lot, he probably would enjoy the break from the brother.
Self preservation.
I would prob only have Frank at your place
No more visits to Franks house.
I wouldn’t let my niece and nephew come here for visits because I couldn’t guarantee there safety for a while.
I’m quite appalled the parents are allowing sleepovers etc at there house.
Like other posters, have the friend at your house & avoid contact with frank. Good friendships are hard to come by and your son will need to learn to manage a range of situations and people as an adult.
Also, the poor child is probably isolated enough. I have an ASD son who is high functioning, intelligent, friendly & non violent but because he's 'different' both he and his NT sister are excluded & families avoid making friends, so we're all isolated. It's common, it's heartbreaking & it's wrong. Don't be that person to isolate a child because it's easier for you.
OP here..
We do have my sons friend here as often as we can, I want my sons friend to know he has a safe space here whenever he needs time out.
I have spoken with Franks parents and while they’re apologetic, they have told me that there is nothing they can do to stop the violence and are at their wits end.
And they’re so grateful to us for having their son so often there’s always offers of school drop offs, or picking up for sport, family outings etc. I feel rude constantly turning them down.
They may offer because you are so good to them. Don’t feel obligated to take them up.
Keep supporting Frank as best you can.
Don't feel bad. You have to put your child's well being first!
Truthfully, Frank's parents are probably slightly relieved when you decline their offers anyway given how much they've already got on their plate. Chances are they are only offering because they feel obligated to reciprocate your kindness.
OP here...
I had never thought about it like that but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you for helping me get my head around this!!!
My son is what you described franks brother to be like. It breaks my heart that my son struggles with being kinder to people and not hurt his siblings or me.
By way of a suggestion if Franks parents are open to it, in QLD we have a place called intercept that work with us as a family to help my son. Maybe just maybe if they are at their wits end a place like this might be able to offer some support for the family and the brother? They might have lots of services they have engaged in already and they might not have any, but if they are open to it they might like some support places offered? God knows I would have loved someone to say to me have you ever engaged {place} for some support?
I would stop my son from playing there and his friend can come to your house, I also think that you need to talk to someone about Frank beating up his siblings. I understand kids with special needs, but his brother and sister need protecting just as much as he needs help and understanding.
You are the Mum here and your responsibility is to keep your son safe..
How bout you get the poor kid over at yours! Why punish them for this behaviour? Take control and have playdates on your time