Grieving a son who is right in front of you


Grieving a son who is right in front of you

Long one -

How to let go of the hurt, anger and pain?

My son was involved in a car accident last year he was 15 years old, he was a back seat passenger, he suffered TBI (traumatic brain injury) he now is unable to talk, understand language, read, write (known as Global Aphasia) and has behaviour issues. To look at him you would never know anything is wrong.
We go shopping he gets overwhelmed has a meltdown we get stares, evil looks, eye rolls the comments under the breath etc, it absolutely breaks my heart, why are people so bloody judgmental, clearly a kid of his age does not act like this if there is no underlying issue, I want to to scream at people “Use your common sense”
I have so much hate for the driver, he was speeding, on his learners and was to busy getting his story straight to call 000, he also took photos at the scene while the helicopter was loading my son in. Never not one time has be reached out to us, to see how my son is / was, never apologised. before he was officially charged he went out and got his P plates so was behind the wheel of a car while my son laid in an ICU bed in a comer fighting hard for his life.
His so called mates have all disappeared, his gained weight (due to medication) and his once beautiful, fun kind personality is gone.
My heart just constantly aches for everything his lost ( friends, family, opportunity to finish school, get a job, drive a car, and realistically a girlfriend)
I miss my son so bloody much, life sucks and everyday is hard. It’s been over 12 months and I still have not accepted it, I still pinch myself to wake up. It’s like I am on the outside watching this all happen, it’s like I am banging on the wall telling myself to wake up.
When will I finally be able to accept this “new life”
When will my anger leave
When will I just me “happy” again.
Please know I know we are lucky his alive and physically good and yes I know there is people out there a lot worse off then us, but I still have so much pain, hurt and guilt in my heart.
I just want to wake up.
In no way was my son an angel, he was 15 thought he knew everything and was invincible, but he deserves better from these people involved and he didn’t deserve this, if he was the driver I know he would of been at the hospital daily visiting the kid he had just hurt, he would of copped the anger from the parents, he would of owned up to the police and would of attended all interviews, I know he would of had so much remorse, as he was a typical hormonal 15year old, but with a heart
I am Also seeing a physcholgist, but sometimes it all gets to much and I need to just write it out and see others opinions.
Please be kind.

Posted in:  Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story)

7 Replies


Hi, I’m a respite carer.
I think what you need is respite. You sound emotionally drained. Some respite can be a good thing, a carer can take your son for a few hrs and do shopping, play things, drive around, visit beaches, work on hand movements, communication, and just be another ‘friend’ for your son.

You will eventually accept your new life. It’s not an easy thing to adjust to, it takes time.
Grieving is natural in this instant. So incredibly natural. It’s okay to grieve, your son may still have a chance at the things you’ve mentioned, but they are not the most important things now.

As for the anger, and the pain. They will fade. Chanel them into productive ideas, my mother used to garden when she was angry, she’d rip out weeds, carrots, dig a hole and crack rocks with a matic. But she also felt good afterward, because she had achieved something with her anger.

Take time for yourself. I’m glad to read you’ve got a psychologist, you will feel waves of emotion for a while, so find yourself some coping mechanisms. Your psychologist will help you with that.

Good luck, and remember your not alone. Other parents have gone through this too, so find a support system near you!


I want to give you a big hug. I understand your pain, just different circumstances.
At around 17 my son developed a disorder that leaves him in a coma like state.
Although he had a disability before developing this new disorder this one has very much changed who he is.
He now has no friends, is lucky if he can leave the house and can’t be left alone. If he is awake he is often in a childlike state and he can suffer from bouts of hypersexuality and hyperphagia. He looses skills dramatically. Can’t even find a fork.
It’s lonely, it’s hard, and it was a shock.
It took me about 3 years to come to terms with it and occasionally I will throw a gigantic adult tantrum about it.
What helped me was finding a community who understood. That might be a support group in person (in our case it’s facebook, as his diagnosis is so rare).
It’s ok to be angry and grieve, as long as that anger and grief moves. I like to think of the process as a spiral. The centre of the spiral is centre of the storm. As time goes on you spiral out and your grief waxed and wains but each rough patch is less rough than before.
As the person above suggested, you may need some support in the form of support workers (we have ours come to our home as my son doesn’t do well in ‘respite settings’ and thanks to the NDIS those settings are not the only way to get a break) however I didn’t find support workers lessened my grief, grief is grief, but it did allow me space and time to breath.


I am the one who posted the other day about buying a present for my partners brother and although his accident happened before I met my partner I can still see how this has affected his family, especially his parents. They couldn't look after him themselves so hate that they had to put him in a home. My partner rarely talks about him unless he's had too much to drink but you can tell he thinks about him often. His accident was his own fault so I guess they don't hold the same anger as you do, or maybe they do but it's at him.

I hope you and your family are being properly supported and you have been compensated. Please demand support if you're not getting it, it's there for you. I hope you get put in touch with support groups with people going through the same thing. Ask to meet the driver of the vehicle to get some closure. I know it seems like he is living his life as normal but this whole thing could be playing on him constantly and he just doesn't know how to face you. Seeing him show remorse will help lift some weight off your shoulders, it's a heavy weight and you don't need it. If he doesn't show remorse shove what he has done in his face. Write your entire day and the changes he now has to live with, the things in the future he has to live without and send it to him, even as an open letter on social media to get support if you think it will be ignored. Not to ignite any hostility but for education too, look what being stupid in a car can do? These stories hit home for kids, when someone who was just like them has their life turned upside down.

So much love to you and don't ever be sorry for what you are feeling, it's all completely understandable x


Your story is absolutely devastating, brought a tear to my eye.
I don’t blame you, I would be angry as hell too.
I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart hope things slowly improve with your son and you start to see him slowly come back.
Youre amazing and strong, handling all of this, anyone in this situation would feel all those things you are feeling.
How could the driver not even face it and check on your son?
He will get his karma, one day.
It’s only been a year and part of that was fighting for his life, I’m sure things will improve but it’s still very early days, very, very early.
Hang in there is all I can say, feels pathetic really, given the situation you are in.


I have no idea what you're going through but suffered from an ABI, complications of Epilepsy. I live with my folks and can understand the challenges and difficulties I have. I know this is difficult for my family.

Although my challenges are less than a minuscule fraction of the challenges your son and family face...

You are doing the best you can and that is all that matters. X


I near cried reading your post. I think you are an incredible mother and human being who is understandably heartbroken and angry. Definitely look after yourself and get a respite care for your son, so you can have some time out. Big hug and lots of love to you.


It is super hard, like it's shit... No other words to describe the situation. I get the what your in, where you're grieving someone that is still there.
Last year, my dad suffered a hemorrhagic stroke, which every doctor said he would never come back from, he was only 55 so we refused to believe what they were saying. My dad has aphasia, right side paralysis and a range of other issues. It has taken a year to really start seeing improvements, but it has taken A LOT of effort from my families part, before anyone else would sit there and take notice of his recovery.
All I can say, is just keep going! Even if people tell you there is no use. The brain is constantly repairing itself. I have done so much research after my dads injury, and realised that the brain is full of mystery! They can guess what the outcome is, but they can't guarantee anything! Honestly, if we stopped when we were told, I don't think my dad would be where he is today.

If you're on Facebook, there are a lot of ABI TBI groups for survivors and carers that are so uplifting and supportive. Do yourself a favour and join then, even if it's just to cry, vent, be angry or support others.

Also, something that took my mum and I months and months and months to understand. Is you need time for yourself. My dad was in hospital for almost 9 weeks, we were three everyday. From open to close. We ended up burning out. Do yourself a favour, and take some time off.

Also, my anger has never left. I'm angry at the most random things. I get angry when I see ungrateful people living their life, I get angry when something happens that I know my dad would love to have been at, but he can't. I know it's silly having anger over something no one had any control over, but I just can't change it.

I wish you, your son and your family all the best!