*edit*
I just want to say thank you to all of you who have offered support or an "I hear ya sister". It's both heartwarming and devastating that so many of us feel the same way.
Not long after I wrote this post my husband caught me having a cry in the shower and asked me what was wrong and why I was hiding. I unloaded it all to him. I told him that breaking things has got to stop (we've invested in a boxing bag out the back and we all use it after a bad day). I have asked him to help out more around the house and he is. He's an amazingly talented cook so he's been honing his skills with a view to get back into the workforce.
It hasn't all been smooth sailing but we are getting there.
Finally, I have made an appointment for myself for some counseling. Because we all know we can't pour from an empty cup.
To those of you traveling the same path as me, stay strong and remember it's OK to put yourself first.
*end edit*
I need to vent, I need to do it anon so I'm doing it here. You can go ahead a judge me that's fine, but if what I'm going to say helps just one person realise they aren't alone then I'll feel better.
Everyone goes on about people with mental health issues and how we should support them and be there for them etc. I don't begrudge them that at all and I never would.
What about those of us who live with people who have mental health issues. No shit, it feels like no one gives a single fuck about how we are feeling.
It's fucking hard! It fucking sucks. And it's fucking exhausting. I'm so tired. Tired of coming home to a mess because someone has had a meltdown and thrown an adult sized tantrum. I'm tired of the 'depression nest' that will get tidied up tomorrow.
I'm tired of being the one who does every single God damned thing around the house. I'm tired of working my ass off just to fix doors and walls that get broken due to the adult sized tantrums.
I'm tired of going out knowing it's a bad day and being terrified of coming home to find them dead. I'm tired of watching the man I love with all of my soul waking up in the morning and seeing the disappointment in his eyes that he has to face another day.
I'm tired of watching him struggle, I'm tired of him feeling even more awful for snapping at me or breaking a door because he slammed it. I'm tired of people telling me I should leave him. I'm tired of seeing him hate himself for not being able to work. His body is broken as well as the mind.
I'm fucking tired of no one ever asking me how I'm doing, if I'm OK, if I need anything.
I'm not OK!
15 Replies
This is why most marriages with sustained mental health issues that aren't mild end in divorce. It's demoralizing
This is not an "unpopular opinion post", this is a cry for help because there is only so much a person can take..Plz get to a GP ASAP!
Yes! Get some counseling for yourself! After my dad was diagnosed with depression my mum would constantly call me to vent. She had several family members she would talk to, but I was the only one who told her to get counseling for herself. I could listen but I didn’t have the skills to help her sort through her thoughts and feelings and give her strategies to deal with the day to day issues.
As a partner of someone with some very heavy mental illness issues I can’t agree. I post on here only 3 weeks ago and I got tremendous support. I see my support person regularly and I don’t hide it from close friends or family if I am struggling. If anything I think I get more support than he does.
It is hard, it’s fucking gut wrenching hard. But we as the well ones have to build a support group of people and tell them “hey I’m not coping, can you please help”. People are not mind readers and they have their own shit going on. And when we are having a good run we should check in on our friends.
Aww Hun, please reach out to somebody. Get in contact with beyond blue or an organisation like that they may be able to give you some help on how to cope. Big hugs for you x
I moved out of home as a 16 year old kid because of my mums battles with mental health. I know my situation wasn't the same as yours but I absolutely know how relentless, confusing, confronting and at times, gut wrenching it can be to deal with a loved one's mental illness day in and day out.
What I think - a lot of people haven't lived it like that. They mean well, but often they really don't understand that mental illness doesn't just affect the person with the diagnosis, it impacts that person's entire network (particularly those closest to them).
You've shined a light on something really important here, there needs to be more support for people who are impacted by a loved one's mental health issues - but then, that's the crux isn't it? There's not enough support or services for those with the mental illnesses to begin with, let alone for the families of those people...
I don't really have any advice for you because I honestly don't know what the solution is, I just wanted you to know that I hear you. I know you're not okay but I pray that you will be.
Take care x
You don't have to live with that. Its abuse. The reason behind it makes no difference, well actually they mostly are mentally ill or suffering, so I should say the fact you're compassionate makes no difference to what you're experiencing and living. I agree it's a cry for help, please seek it, for yourself.
This post is why I make sure I have my own mental health professional..
It’s bloody hard to be the one that has to be strong all the time.
You don't have to live this way. You choose to. And with that comes responsibility of looking after yourself first and foremost. You need to join a support group, if there isn't one, be brave and make one because you aren't the only one feeling this way.
You need to get a mental health plan for yourself, no excuses. If you can't afford therapy, ring free helplines to vent.
Your husband needs further treatment. What you have given is a list of things that KEEP occuring. He is not taking responsibility for his mental or physical health. He needs to be reassessed by a psychiatrist they are the only health professionals trained extensively for mental health disorders and medications. If he hasn't done absolutely everything in his power to help himself then you need to make a choice. Do the same everyday, or walk away.
YOU CAN NOT SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOESNT WANT TO SAVE THEMSELF.
I say this as someone who was your husband. I did what he did and my husband stood by me, the difference is, I hit my rock bottom and got the help I needed. Will your husband do the same? Or will he continue with his excuses?
This isn’t unpopular, this is my fucking life at the moment
You need to
Both go and get professional help. You are crying out for help. So go to your dr and get everything in place for you and your husband to get the right help and get him back on track. you both need to seek help. It’s the kids who will suffer seeing all this. They don’t understand. Do it for the kids too.
I am the one that had mental issues in my marriage. My now ex (not due to my illness) wouldn't except me not doing anything about my anxiety. I was always in therapy and working on myself. Despite how I felt, I still had to look after kids and house.
Mental health doesn't go away on its own, the person needs help and if they can't do that for you then it's time to leave. If he was an alcoholic who refused to get help, you woukd leave. Your husband is breaking things and you clean it up. He is not a child
I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion to be honest
My husbands lowest “point” lasted a good 12 months. He will always have depression and anxiety but he’s coping and getting stronger everyday. That fear of wondering if you’re going to come home to them alive is the worst part
I’m not a talker and don’t know how I survived and kept our family together during that time. Kudos to you and all of us who have stayed and supported. It’s no easy task and I hope for your sake that he’s actively working on himself. Nothing quite prepares you in life for seeing someone once so proud and strong absolutely fall to pieces. You’re not alone ❤️
I’m not sure where you are located but there is help and support for you please contact either carers Australia in your state or mental health carers Australia 1300 554 660 or the carers advisory and counselling service 1800 242 636 you don’t need to do this alone there is support for you please get in touch with one of them I have linked many families I work with up with one of these organisations and all have said they were very useful just remember to be a carer you need to look after yourself as well good luck I really hope you get in touch with one of them.
You are not alone! I could have written most of this myself. My mother in law said to me the other day “oh I couldn’t go through what he goes through”. Like it’s only him that goes through it! I’m the one that has to fix everything, I’m the one who has to pick up all the pieces and I’m the one who calms him and supports him through his fuck ups and shit behavior. Mental health problems are so hard for everyone involved. And I’d never leave him. How could I? How could I leave him when he needs me most? I’m hearing you loud and clear. xx