Anyone else ever been in a relationship where you look at your partner and just think I can't do this anymore with you?
He's great with our kids when he gets to play happy fun dad and he's a great partner when it's just the two of us(which is never these days) but the rest of the time there is no partnership it's him doing whatever he can to zone out and not do anything while I'm left picking up the slack.
As for myself I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suspected borderline personality disorder for years now with no support from him and lately I find myself feeling more and more depressed and resentful. I have no patience for him or the kids as I'm just so sick and tired of always having to be in mum mode and on top of everything/everyone because i feel like i don't have someone I can rely on to help me and I don't get a break.
Our oldest is nine and he will go on fishing trips whether it's a day trip or for a couple of days a handful of times a year and just tell me he's going. The first few years we were parent's i would get roughly one kid free night a year but i would have to find someone to look after our daughter as he would refuse to change nappies and now it's the same with our second child.
I will try to do nice things for him but i get nothing from him. He will go do and buy stuff for him and the kids but I'll get nothing. I put alot of thought into christmas, birthdays and fathers day gifts and if he does remember I'll get a kitchen appliance from him.
Then there's other things hes done which make me feel like there's just no consideration towards me where Ive told him mental health wise I'm not coping, I'm not in the headspace to go out and socialise/go to family functions and he tells me to suck it up, he's made plans without talking to me or won't even tell me til the last minute, my body's reaction to stress is to get sick, it'll pretty much like I've got a bad case of the flu and I pretty much shouldn't be doing anything but if i try to do nothing and rest he will just sit on his xbox or he'll fuck off leaving me with the kids.
We had a family member stay with us a few days after i said to him i needed a break and i was not coping so while the cousins here the first day the 2 of them went out into town for 6 hours and left me with 7 kids and then he tried to dump the kids on me so he could take his cousin fishing with his mates. I ended up pulling him aside and telling him if they went fishing i would leave him and all he said was but she needs a break she's having hard time and struggling, i don't care she has family/friends support, gets a break from her kids during the week while she works(her words) her oldest(15) and his girlfriend do all the cooking and cleaning then on the weekends she goes to her boyfriends after the kids weekend activities and her oldest looks after the kids then aswell.
I've tried voicing these things to him and he just says he'll try harder but nothing changes, so then I'll bottle it all up until i lose my shit to which his reply is that I need to speak up and tell him these things, which i have already done so i know he doesn't listen to me.
And my kids have picked up on it they come to me for everything and he's just left alone to do whatever he wants. he's made comments over the years about how housework isn't his job and I'm a stay at home mum so it's my job and now my 9 year old says these things to me. Birthdays, christmas and mothers day she doesn't think to get me anything but when the roles are reversed she is excited to get dad's presents and knows what she wants to get.
I just feel so defeated and worthless like i am here to play nanny, maid and male ego boost but there is no thought or consideration towards me.
Feeling worthless
Feeling worthless
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
10 Replies
He sounds like a dickhead and you sound like you’d be better off without him. Why would a man who respects you try and dump you with extra kids when he knows you’re struggling. Punch him in the nutsack. It’s because he doesn’t respect you nor love you and you don’t know your worth. I’m sure you’ve written in before. You got some good advice then. Stand up for yourself and stop letting him dictate how your life should be. Tell him under no certain circumstances is he to leave you with other people kids. If she wants a babysitter she can pay for one. In fact tell her this yourself.
Get a job, part time, you need to get out in the world.
It will give you a reason to get up in the morning, put some adult clothes on, do your hair/makeup and stimulate your brain.
Even if it is two days a week.
You need to change things up.
Being a stay at home mum is like Groundhog Day, it messes with me mentally as well.
I guarantee if your spirits are lifted, him taking his visiting cousin out fishing for a few hours won’t bother you.
Get your confidence back so you can go out, socialise, see family.
Get your confidence back so you say to him, I have plans Saturday 8 to 12, having coffee with a friend, see you later.
The working partner has no idea what being a stay at home parent is like, they just don’t get it, so don’t even bother talking about it anymore.
Action is what you need, start putting yourself first.
No one will save you, not him, not anyone, you have to save yourself.
Join a hobby group, pottery, art class, what I’ve learnt is you build the life you want.
I used to be like you, only a single mum, now I work so much I love my time at home with my kids, I crave it.
I haven’t had a night off in nine years, but I don’t want it!
Start with small steps, get out in the world, decide what you want your life to look like and make it happen.
Either he comes along for the ride, or you get rid of him.
I don’t think you are currently in the right state of mind to make any decisions about separation/divorce.
Whilst you’re sitting around, comparing yourself to other mums and time they get off or listing the reasons he’s a dickhead, you’re using your energy for the wrong things.
She wants time off, she makes it happen, you need to do the same.
Unfortunately going back to work is not an option. With where we live, my daughters schooling, partners work and not having a support system, i would essentially be working just to put my 1 year old in care and I wouldn't be able to cover fuel to commute which would hit us hard financially.
I'm not criticising the cousin for finding time for herself she has the support system for it good for her. It's that I had already said to my partner i needed time to myself i was run down, my depression and anxiety was really bad and i had nothing left to give and then without asking me his cousins comes to visit and they try to dump 5 extra kids with me and his reasoning pretty much was that her mental health and well being was more important than mine he also knows I'm not a kid person and being responsible for someone elses kids is actually something that triggers my anxiety.
She was also trying to leave her kids with us to go to tinder hook ups.
It's easy to say just go make it happen but these things take money time and a support system i just don't have.
Easy...huh....I’m a single mum, with no one, nada, nothing!
What is this support network you speak of?
Going back to work is not an option for some of us, it’s the only way we eat.
We also have kids at school/childcare, we make it work because we don’t have a choice.
You can keep doing what you’re doing, with the same results or you can dig deep, stop the excuses and have a go.
How is what you’re doing now working for you?
Also, did I read that right? She gets a break from her kids when she goes to work?
Are you kidding me?
Good on her older children helping out whilst their single mother works hard to financially support her family.
The cousin brags about going to work for up to 14 hours a day so she doesn't have to deal with her kids and will go from work to a tinder hookup so she doesn't have to go home. She's very proud about avoiding her kids.
To go back to work I'd have to work half an hour from home while my my childs school is 40 minutes from home in the opposite direction. My partners work is unreliable hours and we have no one else where we live, no family no friends.
To put my other child in care and commute for work would literally put us in debt. We already looked into it hoping me going back to work would help us get ahead abit.
I'm sorry but you have depression anxiety and stress you should not have other people's kids dumped on you while he goes out to have a nice time. You're in crisis. I'm sorry you're being attacked by people who just don't understand.
You need to get your self to a psychologist to work through this and learn how to set boundaries and make the changes you need to get your life working for you again. What those above see as whinging and excuses, I see where you are, every thing is hard work and change seems even harder, but there is an answer and you can be happier. Keep trying and get help to get out of this. It may take finding a community network where you belong, it may be that you have a really selfish partner pushing you under, but you'll work it out and get yourself out.
Absolutely agree! And I can really relate to most of your post. It is hard enough to stand up and say you really need help, let alone be ignored and feel abandoned. I also understand the financial difficulty as I don’t have options either (no matter how hard I try). I really hope you can find something to help you get by.
Oh honey
You are me at the beginning of this year.
Firstly, get to your GP and get a mental health plan done if you haven’t already. Discuss options whether that be counselling, medication, etc. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT TOO!!!
Secondly, don’t just make empty threats. I did this for years and nothing ever changed. It took me actually absolutely losing my shit, packing a bag and walking out and going to a motel for a night, and refusing to answer his calls or texts for 24 hours for him to realise “oh crap, she’s serious” and pull his finger out. He’s much better now, Helps a lot more and if I say I need a break, I get it. He has his moments where he starts slipping back in to old habits but now all it takes is a raised eyebrow and a “really? You really want to go there again?” And he pulls himself back in line. So get serious. Get up and go out. Don’t ask his permission, just pick up your handbag and tell him “I’m going out for a few hours, alone, bye” and then just leave, even if you just go for a drive, sit on a beach or at a park, or just window shop for a bit. Start looking after you, mama. You’re going to burn out if you don’t, and as they say you can’t pour from an empty cup.