Smoking in secret and lying about it and the money.

I'm married to a smoker too and I used to be a smoker. The worst thing you can do to a smoker is force them to quit or give ultimatums like "if you don't quit I'm going to leave you" or what you're going through now will happen. They can't quit but feel they need to hide it from you. Be supportive of him now he has come clean, help him to quit and support his efforts, don't treat him like a child and just tell him to quit, it doesn't work.

I'm an ex smoker.
In this modern era and how much we know about the dangers of smoking, also most people's fairly negative opinions of smokers - there are many feelings of shame associated with smoking! Your husband's additional health issues probably exacerbate his feelings of shame because he knows that smoking in his condition is particularly risky and that's possibly why he's been especially secretive.

I do understand your anger though, it's completely understandable. I'd be pretty pissed if my partner was spending money on ciggies behind my back, the lying, the expense.

You clearly care about his health and that's commendable, so i think it might be for the best to try and move past your anger so you can support him while he gets his health under control. Having heart issues I'd really try and focus on the impact both smokes and grog are potentially having, it may be worth convincing him to get some professional help to find healthier coping mechanisms before the pain meds become an issue too.

The lying would have been as much a lie (denial) to himself as to you... So I think you should focus on the fact that he told you as a positive thing. The health concerns are genuine though. Perhaps he can quit, his GP can help. In the meantime, can he try vaping? That is cheaper, gives him the nicotine he us craving but doesn't have the nasties in cigarettes that are linked to the health issues. Remember, nicotine is the substance that keeps smokers smoking... But it's the other crap in cigarettes that do the harm. I'll qualify this by saying research indicates vaping is safe, but specialists still have a cautionary approach because they don't know if another issue may become apparent in the long run. Still, it's a better option for now if he can't quit.

I think it’s the lying more than anything. Just been through this with my husband but I had to confront him and told him I knew. I understand you are upset, I was too. At the end of the day it’s their body, their life. If they choose to smoke there isn’t much we can do. They’re grown men. Be thankful he came clean and told you and just support him. Sometimes men have such a big load on their shoulders and it helps them cope.

Hi Mumma
I get you xox
I hear exactly what you're saying and I bet you're also reeling from some of the answers and replies you've been given.
Almost twelve months to the day I wrote a very similar post and got an absolute roasting.
My husband does not give a shit about his health. If he follows family history, at 40 he's only a couple of years away from serious heart attack/stroke. He told me that he does not care if he leaves me and the kids on our own.
We just bought a cattle station, a life long dream, but holy fuck is it hard because all of a sudden we have a huge debt and so many uncertanities (we've been through drought/flood and drought in under twelve months). So the deal was, that he would quit smoking so that the $1200+ per month that he spent on it could go into necessities. I didn't force him, he wanted to do it.
He lasted maybe a week? Then tried to hide it, and this time even though I knew, I ignored it, because while he thought I didn't know, he did it a lot less than if I knew. But then it got more, and then it was never going to be around the house, and then it was going to rollies and now it's back to over a 40 pack a day and $200+ a week.
We had no money, I was selling personal items to buy the kids second hand school uniforms. I was absolutely terrified that he was going to die on me and leave me with this massive debt and a farm that I could not physically manage all the work on. And I love his guts and I want him to be around to see our dream come true. And I could feel my mental health slipping.
So I wrote to this page asking on how I could cope better. And I was told to grow up, get another job if we were short of money (despite working 40+hours on an isolated farm), all I cared about was his money and not his health.

And then that was the beginning of the downward spiral. I looked for other jobs, I wore myself ragged, I stressed, I panicked and eventually I broke down mentally and physically. I am still broken 10 months on.

BUT, I am slowly getting stronger, and my path may not be for you, but I'll share it in case it helps.

I got to the stage where I decided I had two choices. Stay and ignore it or go. There was no ultimatum to him, because I knew if I gave him one, I wouldn't have liked the answer. If it wasn't for our new farm, I would go. But I absolutely love this place, so I've decided to stay (for now, that might change as the kids get older).

So here's how I'm coping:
I have good life insurance on him. I know that sounds mercenary, but our home and business is all tied into one and without him earning an income off farm (I look after the farm), then I would lose it all. And I've worked too bloody hard to lose it because of his pigheadeness. When he complains about the cost, I tell him it costs way less than his smoking, the choice is his and his alone.

I am making sure that I am making myself as capable as possible, that should anything happen, the kids and I can survive without him. But I look at it as becoming a strong and independent woman because I want to not because I need to.

I don't bend over backwards to please him on stuff if his habit makes it a waste of time. Eg... he wants a lovely lawn and garden established at our homestead. I refuse to waste money and time on it until he learns to put his butts in a tin. He throws them all on the ground so I couldn't be fucked making a garden for him to ruin. He can go right ahead and do it himself, but I won't.

I have told him outright that should he get an illness as a result of his bad health habits, then he's on his own. I am not nursing him. The kids are not nursing him. I am not emptying containers full of phlegm when he gets lung cancer. This is his bed, he lies in it. We are not wasting our lives when he cannot value his own.

He recently said (with the last price hike) that he needs to give up smoking. I supported, but I did not get my hopes up. He's probably tried at least twenty times in twenty years to give up. I'm no longer getting my hopes up because when he fails, it hits me hard. I need to protect myself and my kids. He's not going to do that for me.

I try not to matyr myself. Just because we're short of money, there is no reason why I shouldn't have things I need like new prescription glasses, workboots, underwear etc. That's a really hard one for me because I hate spending money on myself, particularly when it's tight, but no one likes a matyr. So I get what I need now without being frivolous. When he comes back at me at how much it costs, I always answer "that cost 2 weeks worth of smokes" (or whatever it works out to be). He can get back in his fucking box.

I try and tune out what I hate and focus on what I love about him. And I know what I've written above doesn't sound like I love him but I do, but I am living with an addict, and they tend to be selfish, so some self preservation needs to kick in from me. If I wasn't selfish, I would get sick all over again. Being selfish sometimes is okay xo

So I hear you mumma, and I get you xoxo
Focus on what you can change (eg how you cope and react) because you can't give up smoking for him xo