Help with my mother living with us!!!

Anonymous

Help with my mother living with us!!!

long Story shortened!!! My mother lives with myself husband and my 3 kids!! We brought a house that’s 3 stories she has the bottom half of the house and everything she needs to live independently under there bathroom own lounge area own seperate bedroom and kitchen area! She put money into the house so we could get the morguage loan we needed too show we had saved enough and for that amount she gave us she said it was my inheritance early and so she had a roof over her head until she died and wasn’t alone!! Myself and my husband pay all the mortgage ourselves and pay all the power water rates etc and house is in our name she doesn’t pay a cent since living with us which has been over a year and I don’t expect her to pay as she helped with the deposit for the house!!! But the problem now being she hasn’t been diagnosed with early onset dementia and has on going health issues and constantly falling over and needing my help all hours of the day and night!! She is a mean person I mean very mean even before the dementia was diagonosed for all my life she has not been loving or caring she now says that I’m too b her career for the rest of her life and as she gave me the deposit she should b looked after by me she has no friends or other family as her meanness has driven everybody away and I’m at my wits ends with her she is affecting my whole life with demands and being horrible too me mostly and my own kids don’t want to go downstairs to visit her! She is constantly coming upstairs and yelling at me and my kids and I don’t feel comfortable in my own house at all I don’t know what I’m asking what would you do? I don’t have the money she gave me for the deposit too give back to her right now 🤦🏼‍♂️😢 so I can’t kick her out even thou she has money she wouldn’t b able to live on her own anymore as she’s isn’t stable enough what would you do please b kind my mental health is struggling right now!!! Also I feel so guilty for feeling like indont want her here anymore I don’t know what to do

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health

24 Replies

Anonymous

If you live in Australia you don’t have to be her Carer. Contact My Aged Care. Have a good chat to them about her support needs, they will do an assessment and can provide the support she needs and based on behaviours they may suggest other living arrangements too.
There are ways to at least improve this situation. I’d also be refinancing the house as soon as possible so you can pay her back and she won’t be able to hold that over your head!

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Anonymous

She is under 65!! This is the next problem we have she is too young too get any sort of support they have told us as we have tried 😢 she is another 4 yrs away from support and I don’t know how I’m going to cope for another’s 4 yrs!! We r looking into refinancing in another 6mths and thays if the bank will let us 🤦🏼‍♂️ How do I deal with the guilt if I do this

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Anonymous

Have you looked into the NDIA then? If she is too young for aged care she should be young enough for NDIS

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Anonymous

You get over it. Your mum will be much better off in the long run, not living with you and once you are apart the guilt will ease.
You sound like you’ll need some counselling though as it sounds like you’ve had an unhealthy relationship with your mum for a very long time. Which is why you didn’t see the red flags before you went ahead.

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Anonymous

I've worked in aged care.
Please don't feel guilty for doing whatever you need to do.
Caring for people who have dementia when you do it for a living is hard enough, caring for someone who has dementia that is also a loved one can have an incredibly heavy mental, emptional and physical toll.

She may not meet the requirements of getting aged care assistance but maybe she'd possibly qualify for some assistance or support from the NDIS (i know, huge long shot but it can't hurt to enquire).

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Anonymous

Thanks I work as well and have two jobs it’s just not possible for me too be her career and I don’t want to b it either but she said she will not allow anybody but me too do it for her it’s so hard I have enormous guilt and it’s not mentally good for me or my family at present just don’t know where too turn from here I have the ndis paperwork here I think I’m just going to have too bite the bullet and do it and try for more help and see what happens thanks

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Anonymous

What a shit situation. However some options - you could post an add for a student studying age care to come and help out, it could be as simple as paying someone to take her out, run some errands etc. If she needs full-time care you could hire a private carer but it could be quite expensive.
I would be getting her name down on as many facility lists as possible for aged care, there will come a time when she will need to be moved. Also because it's coming up to Christmas book your respite care. My aged care website is rubbish, so many different departments send you down a rabbit hole. It's best to speak to facilities directly. If you have an intereach in your area give them a call, they really helped us when my father In law needed to go into care
As for the guilt, you will always feel it, we are a year in and still feel guilty, but at least we know he is safe, getting care and doing things with some quality of life as well.
Dementia is a hard road, we are three for four family members and it's such an exhausting journey and such a shit way to go. Good luck hun.

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Anonymous

Surely, this would have crossed your mind when your mother put to you, "hey I'll give my life savings if you put a roof over my head till it's my time to go" I guess it sounded good at the time! You've got your house now but you don't want to help that one person who not only raised you but helped you buy that home!

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Anonymous

The sounds like a bully, surely it's not fair for her to live with and look after someone who is mean and rude towards her and her kids?
I'm sure if she could she would pay her mother out and make her live elsewhere.

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Anonymous

When you make deals with the devil.....there’s consequences. The mother is toxic and has used money to manipulate the situation, knowing what the op knows, have no idea why she would agree. Material possessions are never worth your peace of mind and mental well-being, op is finding out the hard way. She will eventually need to go into care if she has dementia, just suck it up now whilst she is still with it, get home help if available and wait it out until she deteriorates. If she starts having falls and ends up in hospital, the hospital will start asking questions and advise a nursing home and assist with that.

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Anonymous

You could argue the OP is a bully. Who has financially gained from the situation and now feels she wants her mum out. 12 months isn’t very long. Elderly abuse is a common thing unfortunately

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Anonymous

Wow financial gain are you kidding me!!! My mother is 61 and has a lot of life too live and did not give me her life savings and still has a lot of money left for herself!! As for why I let her move in she had nobody else or nowhere else too go!!!! So it was either squeeze her into our old place or buy something bigger that she put a small amount into for the deposit and we pay the whole morguage and all hydro water everything she doesn’t pay a cent for anything!! As for 12mths isn’t a long time I’d like too see how you would feel being treated like a door mat and your kids etc I was asking for advise and help but you have provided none of that other than try to make me out to b a bully which I defiantly am not I do everything I can for my mother everything so thanks for your lovely input

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Anonymous

You have changed your tune. Firstly it was help get in the house market now it was just for a bigger house. Either way financially you gained from the transaction. All the services you rattled off she would owe a percentage of depending on the size of your family. Would take awhile to add to a deposit.

When you took money you agreed to let her move in at your cost.

12 months and suddenly she has dementia and you need her out of your home. Give her the money she invested back and place her where you feel is suitable.

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Anonymous

We could not stay out our old place as it was not suitable as didn’t have a bathroom downstairs for her and she couldn’t walk up and down the stairs safely and she didn’t habe her own area too call her own that’s why we needed to buy a place that was suitable!!! I understand you don’t know the full story too all of this so maybe I am coming across as a wanting money then going to kick her to the curb!!! And a bully so you say but that is so far from the truth it’s not funny I never asked my mother for money and never wanted to live with her but she sold her house and then had no where too go and has no other family or friends too live with and her mental state at the time was not stable so I felt I had to take her in!!! I have told her she doesn’t seem happy and I’ll happily go to the bank and re finance the house and give her the deposit but as soon as I can which is about 3-6mths I believe from what bank have said but she refuses she said she will not b going anywhere and will never move from this house now!!! I may have worded the first question wrong in saying I want her out!! It’s frustration and breaking point at too why I habe said that!! And yes I said I feel guilty for feeling that way because I do feeling guilty that I want her out as yes she is my mum but I would never just throw her out on the street ever!!! Yes I agree too let her move in and yes I agreed we would pay all costs I’m not denying or complaining about that at all I’m asking for help as too what I can do from here or services I maybe able to be connected with too her here some in-house help for me and her but hey if you want to call me a bully etc that’s your thoughts and nothing I can do or say too change that just letting you know from one struggling mother too another those words hurt as I already am at breaking point and I def don’t see myself or think of myself as a bully as I do as much as I can for her when I can!! As for the dementia diagnose no her or myself didn’t know she had it when she moved in at all I started worrying something was wrong after a few weeks of living with her and strange things she was saying and doing and all the falls she was having and ambos we had too call thays when an ambo guy said too me I think you need to get mum checked out for it etc so I finally got her to agree to come with me too gp and after a few sessions and test she has been diagnosed with early onset dementia which now makes some sense as too why we were seeing all these thinks happening once she moved in so no I have not made that up as it seems you r insinuating in the last post

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Anonymous

Why would you move in with her if she is so mean. Tbh I see why you feel guilty. Refinance pay her back. And use the money to set her up comfortably

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Anonymous

Because she had no where else too go so I felt I had no choice at all!!!!! As for setting her up comfortable she is very comfortable she has everything in that house she could ever need or want and as for the money she does not want to leave our house I habe offered to pay it out and move her she refuses

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Anonymous

She can’t live alone with dementia, it’s only going to get worse.

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Anonymous

No she defiantly can’t live alone I understand that and we didn’t know she had it when she first moved in and I don’t want to kick her out and would never kick her out on her own😢 i just don’t know how too deal with or get the help in she needs as she doesn’t want help from anybody else other than myself I am in the process of trying to get ndis set up so hopefully she can get some in home help whilst I’m at work as she has said I need to quit my job to take care of her full time and financially that isn’t something I can afford to do and also mentally I could not look after her full time even if I could afford too sorry if this post came across as thou I want her out and would keep the money she helped for the deposit and leave her on the street that is not the case at all I think I was more looking and asking for help as too how would you talk to a parent that is so mean and has this illness about her excepting help from others than just me I am burnt out physically and emotionally!! And hurt by a lot of the responses that I’m the bully and it’s only been 12mths and you won’t her gone etc yes I said I want her out in my post but I could never actually kick my mother out unless it got so so bad that it was unsafe and she was told and I was told she had to go into a home suitable and even then it’s going to very very very hard as I know thays not what she wants!!! I think more venting my frustration and asking how would you word too your parent that I need extra support to help you Mum as this isn’t working and I’m worried for your safety when I’m at work and also we need to habe our own space upstairs and rules as too the way you speak to me and me family??? I habe said all of it like I habe here in a nice way but has made no difference and I’m feeling stuck

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Anonymous

The meanest may also be indicative of the type of dementia she has. Please let the doc know this it may help.

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Anonymous

Set her up so she’s unable to enter your part of the house.
Contact ACAT and NDIS, get a referral from your doctor stating which type of dementia she has. Get services in place, if your working then I assume your not home a lot anyway, so you’d need someone checking in to ensure she is okay.
Mobile respite services, community health nurses etc will be your god send.

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Anonymous

I think you do have a duty of care (within reason) but caring for your elderly parents isn't ever going to be a wonderful ride, it is what it is, but you need to establish boundaries. Mainly that you book in times you see her. Ie) 3 meals a day and an hour here and there for coffee/hair washing/ shopping/ tidying whatever it is. I think this might give her something to look forward to as well, and could write down things while waiting for these visits.
Importantly she is not to come upstairs whenever she wants. She has to treat it as though you have your own home and privacy.
I would also contact gp and set up any carer or help she can receive.

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Anonymous

I am wondering whether you're feeling overwhelmed and it's not always this bad. Because otherwise (given you say your mum has always been mean) I don't understand why you and your husband would enter into this situation. That's a good assumption though (if correct) because it means if you get some help, things will be a bit brighter. Contact NDIA. Find out what evidence you need to apply for her. Being under 65 is awesome because once on NDIA (expect it to be a hard process to get there) the support she can access us much better than what she could have if over 65...and it lasts for life.

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Anonymous

Can you and your husband take the time even a week to put a door in at the bottom of the stairs with a doorbell and lock on it? that she has to ring instead of her exploding up the stairs in a rage? Even at the top of the stairs? on the door have a note.

Take a deep breath
Is it important?
Do you need to borrow something?
Are you coming for a friendly visit?
Are you angry?
Do you plan on yelling at me or the children?
Take another deep breath
Count to 10
Knock and wait for an answer

Personally I’d never move in with my mum or accept her money as a deposit. She’s too volatile and erratic. Plus she has cats and I’m allergic to them. I’m aware of this and I struggled to ever buy my own home but I was never desperate enough to do that.

You however were and you need to think of a practical way to make coinhabitation easier on you all. If that means having an outside stair well and door put in so you can access your part of the home without also invading her space then do it. Unless you can afford to pay her back in full and set her up in a retirement village where carers and people can pop in on her every day to help her out without them invading on her space. My pop lives in a caravan park and has a lady that pops in to visit him frequently and check up on him. If I lived in the same state I’d be doing the same. But I wouldn’t live with him. Love him to death but being compared to my nan every day would hurt way too much.

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Anonymous

I so know what you’re going through. Dementia is such a devastating disease. It seemed to bring out intense fear in my Dad. And he became quite aggressive toward the end (My Mum and Dad were both living with us and we had to have him admitted to hospital - my Mum’s call. He was then given a bed in a nursing home where he saw out his final days). I know all people are different but I really encourage you to seek support. There may be help available through the NDIA. Not just for your Mums sake but for your own also. Whatever you do don’t be tempted to brush aside the effect this is having and will have on you. And there are also dementia support groups around. I just have to say though what you’re doing for your Mum is amazing. And incredibly gracious.

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