Financial Abuse /Abusive Husband
When my husband and I met I had a long term and successful career in senior management of a national company & he was a business owner in a similar type occupation which is how we met.
I fell pregnant and we decided that as my job meant lots of travel that I would stay home with the kids and we would pool all our resources /contacts / ideas and talents into his company to be the main source of income.
Fast forward 6 years and I have worked on and off for his company , been the sole parental carer of the kids , worked on the side on and off for past employers to keep my sanity and keep in the industry I studied at university in.
Since I stopped work though he has I believed financially controlled and abused me . I have no access to any of our personal accounts. He regularly checks the credit card account to see what I have spent and then abuses me for spending to much yet I have no idea what he spends or how much he spends . For the record I would spend more than him as I am the one that buys everything for the house, the kids, anything he needs, kids sporting activities , medical appointments etc. I rarely spend money on myself or do anything for myself because I have the kids with me 99% of the time.
I agreed to sign documents to use our house as a guarantee for a business overdraft and also used my name personally to do this as well. However I have no idea how much money the business is making , how much the overdraft is or whether the business is even solvent . Should the business go belly up (probably unlikely but you never know ) we would lose our family home and I would also be personally liable for any debt the business incurred up to a certain amount.
Recently I found out he “lent” a large sum of personal money to the business (in excess of $200,000) without discussing it with me and I found out during an argument which I am angry about because I would never do something like that without discussing it with him.
It took me 2 years to have access to a savings account so I could access cash which he transfers a nominal amount to each week but at times he has stopped the transfer without me knowing (I don’t access it all the time but sometimes when you are with the kids you need cash and not just a credit card ) and I don’t find out it’s stopped until I try to use it
Numerous times my credit card has not worked and I have had to leave a shop embarrassed or ring him and ask what has happened - normally happens when he is away for work .
I cannot go back and work the industry that I did pre kids as it’s a conflict of interest and we know we would lose major work contracts if I did this . So while I am a highly qualified person academically and in my industry to return to the workforce I would need to work in another area and start at the bottom again or go back and study at university in a totally different occupation .
I am happy to study again but the thought of being financially controlled and abused for the next 2 years is more than I can bear .
On top of not being able to access or see accounts he constantly tells me I have done nothing to help the family financially or help the family in general yet I put my own personal finances into the company , gave all my contacts , worked on and off for the company both part time and full time while I was the sole parent carer to our young (under school age ) children plus running the house and doing everything while he worked and socialised when he wasn’t working.
I have told him he needs to change and become a team player in our marriage and appreciate what I do or our marriage is a piece of paper only.
He doesn’t believe he is abusive even though a marriage counsellor has told him he is and so have mutual friends
My family think our marriage is a lost cause and perhaps it is but I am not one to give up on a marriage or our family
I guess I am asking has someone been in a similar situation and when you are at a complete crossroad the other person has changed and become a married couple and team or am I just wasting my time .
13 Replies
He has been told by numerous people that what he is doing is wrong and abusive and still can’t see an issue? I obviously has no intention of changing.
It’s impossible to move forward with someone who can not or will not see fault in their actions!
Good luck
To anyone in an abusive relationship I say please leave. Please go and please take care of yourself. No one needs to sacrifice themselves trying to make something work. The power is not with you to fix things. To anyone in this situation I can promise you that hanging on is doing incredible damage to you as a person. This is to anyone without children. With kids there is a responsibility above anyone else (even the other parent) to lead by example and expect better for yourself. You wouldn’t want to see your children in this position so don’t show them this is acceptable.
You are wasting your time! Nobody wants to give up on a marraige and you have tried. He DOES NOT want to change because he LIKES things the way they are.
I am in a similar situation. I gave up a fabulous career and have put everything into my husbands business and his children. He spends on what ever he wants. My name is used to obtain finance as his is poor. He lies constantly and everyone else is to blame for things he does. I’m also at such a crossroads. I don’t want to just give up but things aren’t improving
I was/am in a similar position. You are wasting your time, he won't ever change. Go and see a lawyer, quietly. Grab copies of every important document you can, photos, passports, bank statements, house loan documents, whatever you can get your hands on. Write down everything, start reading about narcissism. You need to get out, do it quickly and quietly, see a counselor, get a lawyer, it will get worse whether you stay or go. It will get intense when you leave because he will have lost control, that's why you need to be prepared. Good luck.
Sounds like your husband is making a bed of divorce and just going to have to lay in the bed he made. Sad. Keep your chin up.
Have a chat to ULTISpro re your future and current situation, they've changed many parents lives for the better. Yes it's abuse, but it's not what's happened, it's how you deal with it. Rise above Hun 😊
This is very abusive and controlling. If your name is on the business or accounts you are entitled to that info. Just go directly to the bank and get access to the accounts directly or to the accountant. Demand access to everything or leave and get a good soliciter straight away, don't wait or hell funnel the money away.
I’m in awe that you haven’t blown the fuck up. You sound like a very well educated woman. It’s time for an ultimatum- open the book on the finances or the marriage is done. It’s not fair on you to be putting your heart and soul into this while for all you know he’s off galavanting around.
I would be absolutely livid if my husband started counting the pennies I’d spent and not disclosed account information and given access. I don’t even have a bank account, I’ve used my husbands for the last 12 years and had my wage put in there! You’re supposed to be a team!
I’m going to go a different way to this.
MAYBE the business isn’t going as great as you think. Might be why he won’t let you have access. Credit card declining, doesn’t transfer the $200 a week like he said and just won’t let you see into the business and even putting his own (personal loan into the business is a HUGE RED FLAG 🚩!
I’d be finding a way to get a hold of all documentation to find out what’s going on.
Why do women put their names on things they don’t understand?
So many women end up with bad credit ratings and debt in these situations.
I think financial literacy needs to be taught in high schools, because not every one goes to uni.
You know this can not go on any longer, you have to take your head out of the sand and deal with what’s at hand, your financial future depends on it. People have told you, please listen!
Start with the accountant, get the financials if you are attached to the business, they can give you them.
Then call the bank, get online banking so you can see everything.
Next a solicitor, talk through the assets and liabilities and talk through what you will likely end up with in a divorce settlement.
Then you go to him, tell him you are seeking a divorce, your lawyer talks to his and they negotiate a settlement.
You can’t formally apply for a divorce until you are separated 1 year.
Then your start working back in your industry, you are no longer attached to the business, o conflict of interest. But you need to act NOW, head out of the sand, you can do this, your future depends on it.
Take the kids and go. You can’t have them seeing that. They will think that’s how things are done.