Im really struggling with some information I learnt today. Sorry for the long winded story just trying to make sense of this.
Back story my mother and i dont have a close relationship and havent spoken in pver 6 months and now as adults the same goes for my younger sister (by 4 years). I moved out at 17 because my then step dad was verbally and at times physically abusive. My mum and him have been sepertated for approx 6 years. I lived with my grand-parents, my Dad for a little bit and then a house share. Fast forward 12 or so years and I am now very happily married with a beautiful boy who is almost 8!
Tonight we were having a family dinner for my son's bday. Dad, step-mum, brother (gf) and sister. Find out whilst prepping dinner my mum has reached out to my MIL (who I am very close with and is my biggest support with my son when I work) to catch up for a coffee and discuss some 'personal matters'. My MIL touched base with me to make sure I was comfortable with that, very considerate of her.
I phonsed my sister to ask what was up with Mum, only to be met with "she will talk to you when she is ready". I responded with its not appropriate for her to involve my MIL if she can't even talk to me. It's not fair to put her in the middle of things. As the black sheep of the family I am often left out and not invited to things and see things very differently to my siblings/mum. So My response to her as she repeated, "she will talk to you when she is ready" was well Im always the last to know anything and I will end up some how the bad guy here.
She then blurts out:
Well i dont know how thats possible because i was the one raped by (stepdad).
This would have been approx a decade ago. She has recently told our Mum. She obviously became hysterical and said I wish I knew so i could have helped. She says "well we dont have that sort of relationship do we?" Then the phone abruptly ends and then i try to call Mum who blasts me about "why do I hate her so much?"
This is all too Dramatic for me I'm confused between feeling awful for my sister and for my Mum but this is all too much and I'm not sure what to do. My sister is and has been in counselling for years and says she is ok. Ten years on legally nothing can be done? But a part of me wants justice. He is a vile man who is a pastor in a churches and adored and it makes me sick thinking about it.
What do I do? What can I do?
9 Replies
By the dates you give it seems like she was under age? Given the recent Royal commission laid charges from 3 to 5 decades ago I'm thinking she could lay charges if she wanted to? Meanwhile, I think you need counselling to help process your own reaction. Xx
10 years on they can DEFINITELY still investigate and press charges. Your sister can contact the police and do so.
Wow. I’m not sure there is anything you can do. Offer support and a quiet ear.
I’m not sure why your mum would involve you MIL.
I thought that was odd too, possibility she meant step mum?
This is a horrible situation but it seems like they are taking this out on you somehow. What exactly does she need to discuss with your MIL? Is she trying to bad mouth you to make herself look like a better parent in the wake of these revelations? Like she's scared she will look like she failed as a parent so she has to quickly make it look like she is not the bad person in this? Some people work in mysterious ways. I would be keeping a fair distance away right now, offer to help out with the case if she pursues it as a witness but besides that I wouldn't want to get pulled into this mess. I would also ask MIL doesn't meet your mother either, she could be trying to turn her away from you. Don't be her scapegoat!
Sorry. I wrote this late at night. It really blew up quickly and I had to get it off my chest. Thankyou all for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it!
After all the drama i found out my mum contacted my MIL to discuss 'personal matters'. Which meant becoming menopausal. Which indent understand why she couldn't just ask for her personal experiences?I feel awful for my sister but she has made it clear she is. not interested in my opinion (to pursue charges) or my support. So im just going to give them the space.
Follow up question, they asked me npt to say anything to my brother or Dad because of how they would react. I feel like it's put me in a really awkward position. I'm much closer to my Dad and always have been and now finally my brother has come back in my life so don't want to jeopardise that.
Aaaaah!
Just so I'm clear, your dad isn't the stepdad of your sister, aka the perpetrator of the sexual abuse, right?
(Just trying to gauge the dynamics here).
At the end of the day, it's not your story to tell. It's your sisters as the survivor!
The best way to support her from afar is to respect her wishes and keep this to yourself. It doesn't have to impact your relationship with your father and brother, you just have to separate your relationship with them from the information your sister confided in you. If it's helpful, keep reminding yourself that your sister obviously has her reasons for not telling them, trust her reasoning!
If this really starts to eat away at you, speaking to a professional may be a good idea (as it's confidential).
This is heavy stuff and there's obviously a bit of history with your family that it may be beneficial to talk about anyway.
All kinds of messed up. My advice is to not feel bad drawing your own lines wherever you need to. If your mum contacting mil gives you anxiety tell your mil that you're uneasy or unhappy about it.
It seems manipulative to me. This first meeting asking for advice seems like an ice breaker, weaseling in move. There's a reason she's contacted your MIL not her own friends.
Get a psychologist for your own help and advice.
Since there is no legal justice for men like him I would find a way to make him disappear for good!!