My mum came down to visit for my sons 10th birthday. She stayed in a holiday apartment because we have dogs, she hates them and where we live.
My boys stayed with her for 2 nights, the weekend was great, party went off without a hitch, birthday lunch the following day was relaxed and good...no drama...well so we thought.
Long story short, when we picked up the kids they were, quiet, sad looking and when I asked them what was wrong they said they had been bickering over a card game and my eldest (10yo) flicked a card to his brother (7yo). It hit the table and flicked into his brothers face, when that happened my little one yelled out and cried, when the big one went to comfort him and say sorry he was pushed away and the bickering started. Meanwhile my mum was in the bathroom. She heard the bickering and came storming out of the bathroom yelling and swearing at the boys and proceeded to scream at them calling them “F’ing C... B...tards!!!” .
To say I was disappointed to hear this is an understatement. It made my heart break and blood boil.
After a few discussions with my husband and the boys I tried to ring my mum to discuss it, no answer, no call back. So I sent her a message :
“ **** had a great day, and he said he had an awesome weekend too, except for when they mucked up. We sat down as a family and spoke about it. I’m really disappointed to hear you called them F and C and B words. Please do not ever speak to them like that. “
It has been 2 weeks and I haven’t heard a peep from her. She does this with anyone who stands up to her or questions her...so I’m not surprised by the no reply. She is renowned for holding a grudge and no contact from drama she creates. I’m truly done with it.
It has taken us 2 weeks to get the boys “happy” again. In 2 weeks we are supposed to be going to her place for my youngests 8th birthday but he doesn’t want to go...and neither does his brother. And I don’t want to make them go there just to appease her.
I’m absolutely appalled that she would speak to children in this way and then make no effort to respond to me.
I know that if we don’t go she wont speak to me or the children ever again.
What would you do?
32 Replies
Don’t go. That is ridiculous behaviour and your children are better off not having to deal with it.
Why on earth take them? While i think its incredibly weird they would have a great time and one feral outburst ( i think they really pushed her buttons and I bet 10 year old wasnt going to cuddle his brother but anyway) so while her language is not ok, they also need to apologise for carrying on while at hers, but anyway, you haven't cleared the air from last time so don't go.
"I don't want to take them just to appease her" - You just answered your own question right there!
If any of my childrens relatives ever hurt their feelings like this, i would not expect them to play happy families and act as though it never happened.
She knows she's in the wrong, she's just hoping everyone will forget (hence the silent treatment) but children never do.
As a side note. When my mum was still mentally capable of looking after my kids, we did one night max, one kid at a time with a few days grace in between. She just didn't have the patience for anything more and both kids at once. Sounds like your mum may be the same!
I hope your children are truthful! You have one side of a story.
Exactly, kids are great at making their side of things look not so bad and the other side look worse than what it is.
I think you need to phone her.
It does say she tried several times.
I would not go.
My father sounds very similar to your mother - we've had a rift created in our family because of his behaviour. My mum and sister of course think I should get over it, but I am so done with the drama and tantrums one person is allowed to get away with.
You've already reached out to her with a perfectly reasonable text. Really, it's up to her. Beware of disingenuous apologies that are meant to magically fix everything.
OK. I might go against the grain here. I guess your boys were pretty uncontrollable at that point, they were physical with each other and pushing each other? Your mother was probably a bit overwhelmed and did what she could and that is yell, sometimes when that happens swear words fall out without really realising it. I've done it with my own kids. You probably need to let your kids toughen up here a bit, they were full on fighting while in someone else's care, an older person at that, and you're more concerned that they got sworn at? If they weren't doing anything wrong and she swore at them then she's in the wrong, but your kids behaviour invited an extreme response. If they were my kids they would be the ones apologising. This is what's wrong with kids today, they can do what they please and God help anyone that tries to pull them in line.
My kids dad and I would swear at my kids too when it all just got too much , ill admit it , but God help me if anyone else did it .
God help anyone else for doing exactly what you do?
Siblings fight, that's just a fact of life. It's annoying af and it can be daunting or overwhelming if it's not something a person is used to dealing with but grandma was the adult in the situation, though she sure as hell didn't behave like it.
Yelling out of frustration is one thing, calling one's grandkids fucking bastard cunts is a whole different level of losing control.
It's not discipline, it's not pulling them into line - it's inexcusable. Anyone who thinks this is acceptable needs to check themselves! Stress or inexperience doesn't make it okay either...
Your children are obviously not accustomed to being spoken to that way (I'd be alarmed if any child was accustomed to having such gross words directed at them to be honest). They are well within their rights to be hurt, though they do need to acknowledge and understand that their behaviour was unacceptable too.
So i think a good compromise/peace keeping way forward here would be to go for the birthday event but arrive early and discuss this face to face. Nana and the boys!
It's a good opportunity for them to learn how to resolve conflict, express their feelings, learn humility, understanding and forgiveness, also to take accountability when they're wrong as well.
Look at it this way. If either of them were arrested for fighting when they were adults, and the person who broke the fight up swore at them, do you think that person is going to be charged? No. Your kids fighting and being aggressive towards each other can turn into something much bigger, especially if you have decided they are the victims here.
Kind of a ridiculous comparison don't you think?
They're children who are still learning, not grown men who should know better!
Bet you'd all be outraged if it was a teacher or childcare worker that swore at them, why is it okay that granny did?
The boys were misbehaving but granny did not respond appropriately!
Comparing Granny to Teachers or Childcare workers is ridiculous too, they are trained for conflict resolution and expect this behaviour, poor old granny probably wasn't.
It's not a ridiculous comparison anyway, kids who fight turn into adults who fight. Bigger picture is, in the grand scheme of things, who is at fault here? The swearing would never have happened if the kids were respectful enough to not fight while in grandmas care, they obviously pushed her to that point.
Aside from one boy pushing the other out of his personal space, where in this entire post does it allude to any kind of physical violence?
It doesn't.
Granny crossed the line. She probably owes the kids an apology!
The kids were behaving like typical kids, but they stressed granny out. They probably owe her an apology.
It is hardly unreasonable that OP doesn't want her mum swearing at her kids and wants to address it properly...
Anyone would think her kids are complete thugs by some of the comments here!!
She said when one boy pushed the other that's when it started, I assume it got messy after that. That's not when it stopped.
"That's where the bickering started".
Bickering is a word one usually uses to describe a verbal argument - not a physical one, but as you said yourself, that was an assumption you made.
What would I do? I would have asked Grandma for her side of the story. Then I would have made my children accountable for their actions by apologising to Grandma for the way they acted, then gave Grandma the opportunity to apologise for swearing and explain why she did it. Then I would probably only allow one child at a time to visit Grandma as both at once are obviously too much if they are going to fight while in her care.
So I think everyone is in the wrong. Your kids obviously were. Grandma used mean words in what was probably a stressed response.... But regardless, also wrong. Then you sent a text message that doesn't ask her for her perspective and goes straight to blame and your kids are being treated as victims rather than having it explained that grandma may have used the wrong words but she was obviously distressed by their actions. Your children need to apologise. Your mum needs to accept their apology and acknowledge that she was also in the wrong to them. Then you need to apologise but explain that you also responded poorly because you felt protective. Then you all need to move on. If she's not answering, go around with the kids. Apologise for coming unannounced but explain that you all need to clear the air so that the birthday celebration is happy.
I agree. Apologies and accountability are needed all round!
I also think reassessing grandma's coping ability would be wise too.
Both kids for that timeframe was obviously too much for her to deal with for that to be her response to a relatively typical sibling squabble!
I also agree! 3 sides to every story yours mine and the truth! It is very probable the kids exaggerated your mothers swearing and under played their role. No way would I react until hearing the other side of the story!
My mum called us those names when she was stressed, wasn’t handling things.
Sounds same with grandma.
I would accept she can’t handle both and certainly not for two nights.
I wouldn’t have gone all in blaming her, would have seen the situation for what it is.
Two weeks for the kids to recover at that age, the only way they would hold it that long is if you kept talking about it and making it a drama.
Kids don’t even know what those words mean, may as well as called them blue aliens.
I think you’ve made matters worse, now kids hate grandma.
I would have said, sounds like grandma was a bit stressed out, you shouldn’t fight when there, end of story.
Kids look to us for reactions, if yours is over the top, then theirs will be.
Don't go!!! Your CHILDREN are more important. You have to have their back. They need to know that you are their advocate. Simple as that.
Is this normal behaviour from your mum? Is it how she responded to you and your siblings as children? Has she spoken to your kids like this before? If it's out of the blue then sounds like there could be more to it than what your children have told you/the facts aren't quite right. On the other hand if this is normal language and behaviour from her then I would be reassesing what time you children spends with her especially with you not around
Just based off some of the comments here, be careful not to go too far the other way.
You don't want to teach kids that lashing out with verbal abuse is somehow justified if you're under duress.
True. I don't think anyone is condoning grandma, just explaining that a 1 off outburst doesn't necessarily make her 'mean' and that she was in fact reacting to the kids doing the wrong thing so that should be addressed too.
Toxic... cut your losses and move on.
Very similar but different thing happened to us and it’s been a blessing.
In a nutshell, Mum and Dad didn’t turn up for daughter #2’s 5th Birthday! No word, no card, no call, nothing. It broke her heart (considering they live up the road and drive past our house every day). We said something, shit hit the fan and NOTHING since... and she is about to turn 10!!!
No way I would go, cut that relationship and live a happy drama free life
Ummm don’t go is the obvious answer here. Let her wake up to herself and stop having that control over you. You seen what she did to your kids, why would you go.? she is the one who should be coming to apologise to your family.!! Don’t go.! So what if she doesn’t speak to you. It’s childish and she will be the one to lose out in the end.
Devils advocate -
PLOT TWIST.. she’s in the bathroom and hits her head on the vanity, comes out and stubs her toe. Shouts fing c*** bast*** .. at the situation. Then tells the kids off for their behaviour and kids think it was them she was calling names to.