Today is “are you okay day” I did a round of phone calls and a few drop ins on the ones I know need it, but, I do this regularly, I grew up with a sister who tried to commit suicide numerous amounts of times so it’s just what I do. (Sister is doing really well now) along side being that person there for everyone else, I run after 4 children under 6 years old, care for my home and partner. Tonight I was just scrolling through my Facebook and seeing all statuses and all the videos dedicated and I had to ask myself if I’m okay, which I think I was refusing to ask myself that question, you know “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” but it does hurt. It really hurts because no, I’m not okay. It really sucks, because I don’t have time to not be okay. I’ve got my 4 children (the struggle started since I had my 4th baby) I have my partner, I have my parents, my sister who I think I’ll still regularly check on and worry about till the day I die, a few friends struggling, one who has been at my house drunk at crazy times because she’s not coping and drinkingherself stupid to numb the pain but then wants to do something stupid and she knows my door is always open. So no, I don’t have time to not be okay, but life doesn’t care, and I’m not okay, and it really fucking hurts, it would be easier to count the days I haven’t cried since having my last baby 7 months ago. I don’t know why this is happening to me, I don’t understand mental illness, I know that you can’t just fix someone and all you can do is be there, be present, and be supportive. I know deep down I’m not just a bit hormanal, I’ve been blaming hormones for too long. I don’t want to harm myself but I just want the whole world to just stop for a moment, let me catch my breath because I feel like I’m under water and I’m drowning, I feel like I just can’t breathe. Everyday is so hard, I’m so tired, I’m always crying, and not one person knows, well except everyone reading this. I know deep down that I need to get through this alone, but I don’t know how.
If you’ve gotten this far, Thankyou for reading.. I just needed an outlet.