Did I dream it or was there a post on parental alienation yesterday that has been removed.
I just wanted to share another side of the story. I am a mum with sole custody of 4 children to 2 dads (two each). Dad “2” living situation does not allow overnights so he visits weekly and takes the children out when $$ permits. We have a great co-parenting relationship. Dad “1” though has had zero communication with his children for over 12 months. He doesn’t call, text, write let alone visit. We haven’t moved, the children have their own phones which I have never restricted (or needed to). It has gotten so bad that despite encouragement from me and my parents the children refuse to now take initiative to contact.
I could barely contain my rage after Father’s Day when I heard he and his parents have been telling people I have alienated the children from him.
I have many single parent friends who have sole custody and not one of them are doing it by choice. It is exhausting emotionally and physically being the sole parent. It’s a job I never wanted.
Could I just ask if a parent you know is claiming “Alienation” don’t go trashing the other parent until you have the full story.
And for those woman in my situation- I see you girlfriend. I see you crying alone once the kids go to bed, managing all their activities, trying to feed and clothe them and be their support network. All the while trying to care for yourself.
Parental alienation
Parental alienation
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
9 Replies
I honestly think that true, malicious parental alienation happens much less than deadbeat parents would like everyone to believe (I'm not saying it never happens before someone goes and gets bent out of shape).
Every person I've known who claimed parental alienation either conveniently forgot to mention that there were good reasons they did not have access to their children or it was complete and utter bullshit, where precisely nobody was stopping them seeing their kids. It was just a handy excuse when people questioned their lack of involvement in their kids lives.
My heart breaks for anyone genuinely experiencing this and i wish them all the strength in the world to keep fighting. However, you'll never see me go off half cocked with only one side of the story in these scenarios and i think more people would be wise to take that stance.
Hats off to you too, girl. You know your truth 💜
I have witnessed a male friend go through alienation. It was and is brutal.
In my situation, and many of my friends are the same, they wish dad would step up and have the kids more.
My ex told me last weekend “I’m not in the mood to have the kids” WTF! I’m sorry I must have missed the part where we get to opt out if we don’t feel like it.
I think the post was about true alienation.
Ie. like mum takes kids interstate and sets up a life, by the time the father takes her to family court she is allowed to stay rather than up route the kids again. She is then expected to take the children to a halfway point so father can have visitation. But never does because “she can’t afford to”. Constantly asks for money above CS agreement and then when father says no withholds visitation and Skype rights set out in court order. Father gives in to see his kids. Until the cycle repeats. Father goes back to court new court orders. Mother has no consequences and goes back to breaching Dad has already spent $90,000 and still can’t skype his children on Father’s Day. Father now drives all the way to get kids. But mum tells kids they can’t do sport cause daddy doesn’t pay. father pays amount as outlined via child support based on his high income on time every time. He wouldn’t mind the extra but it started to be demanded monthly! So felt the need to put his foot down somewhere. Mother left Father (FIFO) for his FIFO mate. Left the kids for 2 years with Father than arranged a visitation one weekend and instead of staying at her parents home she fled the state in the middle of the night with the kids. They had no formal custody arrangement at that time so father was powerless until court date...
That might not happen often but it should be a crime when it does!
I'm on both sides of this. My ex and I have 4 children together. His mum is a true narcissist and has always heavily favoured our eldest child, the other 3 could get hit by a bus for all she cared. My ex is a complete asshole and the product of being raised by a narcissist. When we split, they went into attack mode for my eldest child. He was 12. Would ring him and make him go into another room, would come and try and only pick him up and then try and say the other 3 wouldn't want to go when he hadn't even asked. They ended up manipulating him into wanting to live with my ex 300kms away. My son started acting like he was wrongly treated by me and very little things were blown up out of proportion by my ex and his family. Only in regards to our eldest, not the younger 3. My son left and would come back to me for school holidays and some weekends with the younger 3 rarely going to their Dads. A few days every second school holidays if they were lucky. When my eldest turned 17 I had moved with the younger 3 to the city, my eldest had hinted he wanted to move there with me as there were more opportunities there than the small town he lived in. That's when things got really nasty, they refused to let my eldest come anywhere near me. My ex and his family turned their backs completely on the younger 3. My exes mum talked my son into living with her, bought him a rag doll cat which was constantly used as an excuse for him to not be able to leave her house because he had to feed it, he was given a job at the place where exes mum was manager, she controlled the roster and made sure he was working whenever I asked him to come down and see us, but was able to give him time off to help her friends move house or follow her to hospital for minor surgery. 2 years I hardly seen him, he still lives with her and she has isolated him from not only us but friends he has had for years. She's like a kid holding onto a toy just so other kids can't play with it. Lots of lies and secrets in this time too, I wasn't allowed to know about new addresses or when he was visiting close to me. Things have gotten better in the last year and we see him more often. There's a lot about parental alienation that people don't realise, for me because my child was older people think that means the child is too old to be manipulated and controlled and that I must have done something pretty bad for him to just not want to see me or answer the phone. That is not true and sadly it can happen at any age if there's a manipulative parent or in my case grandparent at play. The real spinner is that they have told everyone that I am the alienator, that I am the one that has cut the younger 3 off from them. Like you their Dad has never had contact restricted, same phone numbers everything.
I must add, even though my post is super long this has been the first time I have actually been able to explain my situation without giving up because it was just so complicated, I could barely understand it all myself. Now that I have written this I have realised I have more clarity which must mean my ride in hell is almost over. There were times I wanted to die and sadly many alienated parents do take their lives. It feels great to finally have clarity. Who would have thought the best therapy was writing my story on Imperfect Mum ❤️.
Poster here - I appreciate your reply and I’m glad it has given you the opportunity to put all this down. Our stories are more similar than you may have thought as I also have an adult child to Dad 1 who is the favourite. The old “as they get older they will realise” has been truth for him. The pain this has caused for the two other children (and I’m sure for yours is) immense. The rejection is so painful and I have to be very careful of it developing a rift between the siblings. Don’t give up on your eldest, keep calling, texting, sending letters, don’t ever buy into their crap. He’s your son and he is entitled to your love. Sending you much love and healing
Thank you x My 4 have a good relationship and I think that's the only reason he visits now but I'm OK with that. It is like my younger 3 have a different Dad it is really strange, and yes you can see the rejection on their faces when my eldest talks about going to one of the cousins birthdays or having Christmas with his Dad. It's sad but they are getting older now and learning for themselves what they are like. I have actually taught them about Narcissistic Personality Disorder too and use my exes Mums behaviour as examples so they can see it's not their fault that this has happened, it's not even Dads or Nans fault, it's a disorder and I think that can make it a bit easier to process.
My sons dad was out of the picture for 2 years. His choice. He didn't contact us at all. Then suddenly I got a letter for mediation in the mail and had to get a lawyer and everything just to go to a meeting and say "sure of cause you can see your son I never said you couldn't" I'm pretty sure he only started contact again because of family pressure and my parenting choices that his family don't agree with. While things are going good now and he has stepped up it wasn't the first time that I was accused of alienating his father. Not the first time going to mediation because he's too scared to talk to my face. It's a hard road. I Lost alot of friends we shared because they didn't bother to hear my side.