Long story short, when i was 16 i had a boyfriend. His best mate (who we'll call Mark) develloped a crush on me. I was always very clear it was unreciprocated.
He seemed satisfied with that and was happy enough to be friends (though i would have called us acquaintances).
The boyfriend and i went our separate ways like teenaged love often does and this is going back 18 years now.
The thing is, Mark (the friend) is a drug addict. He's volitile, violent, been in and out of jail for various crimes, he's essentially homeless and that's just the short story (obviously, he's progressively gotten worse over the years. He was not this bad when we met).
Over the years I'd see him around sporadically, you know, in the city, hanging around shopping centres etc - he'd always chase me down to chat. I have always felt like the best approach is to be polite to him because he's so unpredictable (he's the type of guy that would pull a knife on you if you looked at him wrong).
So I'd humor him, say a quick hello how ya been and make up some excuse to leave.
Anyway, recently (probably the last 6 months) I've been seeing him more regularly and he's becoming harder to avoid. The last straw was running into him outside my kids school. Now it was a complete coincidence, he was meeting some shifty mate and it's quite a busy comercial/public transport area near by.
I hate that he now knows where my kids go to school, what they look like, the general area i live in, my routine.
I realise that I've probably bought this on myself by being nice to him but how the hell do i get him to leave me alone?!?!
I moved past all those types of people, im now happily married with children (obviously lol). My husband worries about my safety because of Mark.
I have blocked Mark on facebook as well as his family or anyone that might know him so none of them can try and add me.
I have never told Mark anything personal about myself (he didn't even know i had kids til he saw me).
I hope this makes sense, i didn't want to add anything that could identify me so it's possibly a little vague.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Edited to add:
I absolutely never initiate conversation with him and i avoid places i know he hangs out. He's like a hawk, he can spot me out of a crowd and chases me down and sometimes just seems to appear out of nowhere.
I used to run into him maybe once a year if not longer which wasn't that bad, but recently it's been 4 or 5 times a month and more locally.
He is always high when i see him, his behaviour making that very apparent.
He's always as pleasant as he knows how to be with me but i know what he's capable of, truthfully speaking he scares the crap out of me.
16 Replies
If there are a couple of entrances at the school, use a different entrance for awhile.
Be busy and in a rush, don’t make eye contact.
It doesn't sound like he is going out of his way to see you, just you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think you're making a scenario in your mind that there's a problem when there isn't.
I totally get that us being in the same place at the same time is coincidental and he's never been anything other than friendly (to me) but he'll see me from the other side of a shopping centre and chase me down, the other day at the school he was up and across the road a ways and he came running down to me to talk. So, he actually does go out of his way to talk to me.
He's also always high out of his mind when i see him, frankly it scares me and what used to be once every 12 months is now like 4 or 5 times a month.
I'm definitely not creating a problem out of nothing - it is a problem
If you want something done about it you could call the cops on him for being under the influence in public, purchasing illicit substances etc. and seeing he has previously been in jail he will more than likely get in big trouble :)
Otherwise, if you are confident enough you could just say that you don't want your children around people who are trouble and he's trouble. Though I personally wouldn't do that haha!
I have been in a similar situation but he was actually walking past my house. So that was terrifying. (Turned out I was just freaking myself out and realised he lives down the road. Probably wasn't scooping out my house at all. He just hasn't got a license and had to come past my house for the shops. But I knew him from school, say hello, been in and out of jail too)
Very scary situation to be in because you just don't know.
I'd say to just try and use as many excuses as you can. Jump on a "phone call" when you get see him approaching. Or act like you're in a rush. Try and avoid st all costs but I'd agree to keep polite. Hopefully he switches to a different side of town for his regular sketchy stuff.. which probably will happen considering most addicts ect don't stay routines for too long.
If you're just bumping into him, literally change course so you don't cross paths. I think you just need a bit of time without bumping into each other to get that distance. And if you do, just smile and nod and keep going.
This is really sad. There is something about you for this guy. Like maybe you remind him of another path or another time. Given he has never hurt you or even threatened you. Can you not indulge him in a small amount of small talk and step on. Maybe he is one friendly encounter away of getting clean. I personally would change things up a little in your routine so you can reduce the amount of encounters. But I’d be inclined to be a friendly face in a crowd of judgement.
I was thinking the same.
I've had a few people suggest this, i appreciate the sentiment and i understand that his situation is sad but it kind of rubs me the wrong way, like i should just put my genuine concerns for my safety aside for his benefit...
This man is also something to me - a reminder of a life I've tried really hard to leave behind.
He is also dangerous! I'm not going to divulge reasons he's been in prison for privacy reasons but i have very good reasons to be wary of him.
I didn't see the harm in indulging him when I'd see him once in a blue moon but now that I'm seeing him more frequently i am painfully aware that it's only a matter of time before i run into him when he's in a foul mood and me accidentally saying the wrong thing for him to blow up (as i said, he's unpredictable/prone to violent outburst so i feel like I've been lucky so far).
I guess the fact that you say the encounters are by chance and that he's nice to you has us thinking he's not a threat to you.
trust your instinct, change your routine, pick kids up from a different gate, or on school grounds in the office. i would also talk to the police, they wont do anything as its all hearsay, however if he is near the school with a drug record he can be mived in. go shopping somewhere else. If you do see him act rushed, hi sorry i have to run. good luck
So I’m so disappointed in some of the responses in here.
If your gut says something is not right with him DO NOT IGNORE IT.
Do not indulge him with small talk, do not think it is harmless.
Think of the worst that could happen.
Maybe ive listened to too many Australian true crime podcasts, or the one about stalking ive just finished but this triggers so many red flags for me. The fact its increased to so often is a big red flag. Has he moved to the area or is he spending more time in the area because your in the area? Drug addicts can be stalkers, and it can escalate usually quickly, dont brush it off. Id talk to your local police explain you know it could be nothing but the fact he knows where your kids go to school is creepy.
Keep your phone on you at all times and if you get a chance before he gets too close, make a phone call so you can brush him off. Have a phrase you can use to call certain family or friends so they know what's happening and can play along on the phone.
I would also try to get to school a little earlier if at all possible and go inside so he cannot see you. Leave with a crowd of people if you can.
I know this may sound a bit over the top but change the way you dress when going to school, where a hat and big sunnies, change the way you wear your hair to throw him off.
Hopefully if he can't spot you easily, then he will give up looking for you.
I don't think you are over thinking this at all, despite what others have said on the fb post. It's clearly starting to take over your life when you're fearing for your and your kid's safety. Local police is a good idea too. They may have some helpful strategies they can give you. You have nothing to lose asking right? Better to be safe than sorry..
Restraining order
Restraining order