Advice please.
What would you do? DH and I have 50/50 custody of his child, however over the last few months my stepchild has been exhibiting anxious behaviour when away from bio-mum, saying that the mum "won't eat" etc when we have custody, or has a bad case of FOMO because there's always something planned when my stepchild is with us (even if nothing is actually happening 🙄). It's got to the point where when my DH goes to pick up his child he is met with a massive tantrum and gets told by his child to just get out of their life.
We don't know what to do. We have other children at home that cop the brunt of these tantrums, getting told by my stepchild that they aren't real siblings because they didn't grow in my stepchilds mum's tummy.
We have tried so hard to just keep everything positive, but a lot of the tantrums stem from when my stepchild doesn't get their way. If we aren't taking them out to entertain them, or providing them with home cooked meals rather than take away then we are faced with screaming about missing bio-mum and tears to go back to her house where my stepchild calls the shots.
DH came from a split family himself, and doesn't want to push his child for visitation because he doesnt want to ruin any chance of a relationship with the child in the future. On top of that, there are mental health issues arising for the child which need to be dealt with, in regard to seperation anxiety.
We have had discussions with the bio-mum and decided that in the short term it would be in the child's best interest for us to step back until psychological help has been established. The issue being that now that we have stepped back the mum is making the child unavailable for visitation on our allocated days by planning sleepovers and playdates with my stepchilds friends which would obviously make my stepchild very upset to miss out on, and has contacted child support to say she has 100% custody (despite it being what we thought to be a very short term arrangement until my stepchild has some support to deal with her anxiety). We are more than happy to help her out financially to support the child for the days we are supposed to have custody, so didn't think we needed to contact child support as this was only supposed to be short term.
We have fought the good fight in court for this child for almost a decade now, and for the most part we have a great time when our family is all together. But now there seems to be so much manipulation coming from the bio-mum towards my stepchilds time with us that it is putting so much strain on our family. DH is so torn, on one side he has fought so long to have the relationship with his child, but at a detriment to his child's mental health. And on the other hand now that we have stepped back when we do get to have phone contact with his child they sound happy and content, possibly because the anxiety of seeing us and making their mum unhappy or missing out on things at mum's house is gone.
What would you do? We are honestly thinking of relinquishing our 50% of custody in what we believe is the best interest of the child's mental health, it just feels so horrible to even consider this. We love this child, but we feel like our involvement in their life is a detriment because they will forever fall victim to their mum's head games as long as we are actively involved in their life. 😥
24 Replies
If mum is playing head games with the child to alienate from dad, why on earth would you think you could work together to fix it? Tell him to keep his custody and work through it from his end. Get her to a psych on his time. Work with her on his time. Sure, cut it down but don't give up and don't give in.
There are many bio parents with kids with mental health issues, they don’t have someone to throw the problems back onto, they have to deal with it themselves.
Don’t give up, consistency will win, just because his tantrums are hard work, doesn’t mean you get to throw in the towel.
You also make a lot of assumptions about what happens at home, he rules the roost etc do you actually have evidence of this? Just because he tries at your house, doesn’t mean he gets away with it at his. As the outsider kids, sounds like he tries it on and if he has any wins, that will keep fuelling it.
If he needs help, you get that for him. Split families are hard and kids can end up with some issues from it, if he’s struggling, you have him 50/50, take him to a child psychologist. Your partner is his bio parent, he has responsibilities to this child, just because they are split, doesn’t mean you get to step out when things get rough. I know you’re worried about the toll this is having on him, but if bio mum is the way you describe, having time with you guys is definitely in his best interests.
Dad needs to step up, not step out. Some bonding activities, father and son, camping, fishing, riding bikes, whatever it is, away from you and step kids. He needs to build that bond, having time alone will be very important to this kid and it sounds like he needs it.
Great advice
I should have included that dad has no parental responsibility, due to bio-mum stating that him contacting her in regard to the child exacerbate her own anxiety. So he has no decision making powers, nor can he make psychologist appointments 😔
Due to family court, we had to see a family counsellor. It was in those appoimtments that bio-mum and her new partner discussed my step childs behaviour in their house.
Did him contacting her come under the category of abuse?
If he has always been a good parent (that includes a good partner and coparent) he needs to persevere and not give his rights up. It's very hard to take them from someone that keeps showing up.
You definitely need legal advice as well as psych advice on the best way to approach and treat this.
If him contacting her creates anxiety, I would look deeper into that.
How long have you been together?
Maybe you haven’t seen his other side?
Does he make an effort to truly engage and build a bond with this son?
Usually the better the bond, the more the mind games don’t work from the other parent.
Since you have had significant time, 50/50, I think you should look in your own backyard about why child doesn’t want to come.
If you had every second weekend, I could understand, child hears constant shit about you and doesn’t see you often, but you have had an active part in this child’s life.
Who says you can’t see a psychologist?
Do you have orders saying that?
I get what you are going through, the more you try and be a part of this childs life the more hellfire from Mum and the more she uses this poor child as a weapon. Parental alienation is the cruelest form of emotional abuse. If you search for Eeny Meeny Minie Moe Foundation Australia on Facebook you will find some really good advice for what you are going through, they also run Parental Alienation Australia and Amanda Sillars personal page is good to follow too.
How do you know for sure mum is playing head games? It sounds like the child is definitely not coping with 50/50. Kids rarely do I believe. I think the mother is realizing this and is sick of forcing her child aswell. My son often says he doesn't want a dad anymore and doesn't need one. He has autism and separation anxiety. He wouldn't cope with 50/50. I try my best to support their relationship. Your partner is right about pushing too much will cause more issues. I suggest lowering the time he has at yours for now and getting him in to see a paediatrician. He might be struggling with how different life is at each home and how things are constantly changing. Maybe mum trys to keep things the same for him that's why it sounds like he rules her house when maybe he just has other issues that makes it hard for his brain to work with change
What's FOMO ?
Fear of missing out
My husband is a good man. We have been together for almost a decade. The bio-mum intentionally fell pregnant with my husband using an ovulation kit and a one night stand before we met. He didn't know he had a child until his child was 6 months old when bio-mum hit him up for money. He requested DNA testing and as soon as results came in the bio-mum said she was moving state and he would have no contact with the child. We got into court almost immediately due to the circumstances and he has fought to be a part of his child's life ever since. He is a fantastic father, very hands on and involved in all of our children's lives. We have a household full of routine, which is the opposite of bio-mums house.
Bio-mums anxiety stems from childhood, it has nothing to do with my husband apart from that he is a male. And as for him not being able to make appointments, she will not give him the ok to make appointments for his child. Because he has no parental responsibility he isn't allowed to make appointments without the mothers consent. He can take his child to the hospital in an emergency.
I agree the child isn't coping with 50/50, which is why I came here for advice. No matter how much or little contact we have with my stepchild we can't help how the bio-mum behaves towards her. But now that we have stepped back temporarily the child is no longer suffering the wrath of being between two houses.
FOMO is fear of missing out.
Maybe just change it to every second weekend and half of school holidays then? A weekend can stretch out to 4 days out of a fortnight, that's enough to keep and build a bond.
I cannot understand how you can have custody but no parental rights... sounds very odd.
Likely story......
Fact: Your saintly husband had a one night stand and he stupidly had unprotected sex with a random and got a woman pregnant.
Did he find the ovulation kit in the trash when he visited his child at six months lol?
I cant stand women that trash talk other women like this, the whole whore trapped him argument, thought it died in the 70s.
People have unprotected sex, they are adults, they both know it can result in pregnancy or STDS.
You’re so one sided about this woman, you cant see straight. From the way you assume she parents to the way the poor child was conceived.
And you are being very judgemental yourself making assumptions based on very little. Do you know the bio- mum yourself??? You know that not all bio mums are saintly either right?? I girl I know freely admits she tried to trap her ex with a pregnancy so don't pretend that it doesn't happen!
It doesn’t matter what her plans were, ovulation kit or not, if youre irresponsible and have unprotected sex, this is the potential outcome.
I don’t think she is a saint, but I also don’t think he is either.
They equally made this baby.
If they were in a long term committed relationship and she stopped taking the pill and he is unaware, that’s entrapment.
But it was a one nighter, he’s an idiot.
The bio-mum openly tells people that she used an ovulation kit to fall pregnant with both my step-child and her next child, it is even stated within the court papers that she intended on falling pregnant without my husband's knowledge (because she "was on the pill") and had intended on keeping the child away from him, she only wanted child support, not for him to go for custody.
I suppose it's easy to assume the step parent is a horrible person, but I'm not. I've been there for my stepchild every step of the way. I've been there for the bio-mum when she needed someone to talk to and driven her to appointments, school functions and her house as she is unlicensed. All I want is my stepchild to be ok, but right now I'm struggling to see the light. Thank you for your responses, I knew posting into a forum like this would provide me with many different perspectives.
It’s very hard being a step mother/ father, even more so whan the birth mother and father can’t get along . I went through something like this the court order 50/50 then the birth mother stopped the child from coming saying it was his call then she pulled him out of school and started home school with him as that is what the child wanted , I will add the child is only 9 . It is now back in court and the judge has given the child a lawyer, due to a lot of hearsay coming from birth mum . The saddest bit is the poor 9 year is having a really hard time due to no longer having friends from not being in school for a year and his mental health and physical health have gone down hill big time.
I wish you all the best and hope it works out for everyone in this situation remember to stay child focused .
It seems that bio mum potentially has some mental health issues (anxiety, telling child she won’t eat when child is with father, etc) that she needs to seek help for because it seems she is pushing these issues onto the child and using these issues to manipulate the child into feeling the same way. Could you consider going back to court for full custody until bio mum works on her own issues enough to be a healthy parent to the child you all share?
We have tried to go for full custody until bio-mums mental health was in check. She said she is attending appointments, the court is happy enough with that.
I don’t actually think 50/50 is fair in children at all. So I think reducing said stress it a good idea. I mean if I asked you to pack your things and move somewhere else for 7 days and then return for 7 days and repeat - how do you think you’d feel? Aside from any mentual health issues this child is unhappy with the living arrangements. There maybe no parental alienation. The child may use his/hers mum as an excuse for their own wishes.
I’m not sure giving up all together sends the child the right message either though.
You are super critical of mums parenting style maybe careful that the child doesn’t pick up on your resentment of their mother.
It doesn’t matter how this child was conceived it’s actually irrelevant. So I’m not sure why you’d hold it against her. THEY had unprotected sex and it ended in a child.
It sounds to me like bio mum is being incredibly manipulative of both the father, and of the child. Why the fuck is her daughter being told "mummy won't eat while you're away"? Personally, IF I WERE THE DAD, I'd be getting my parental rights, getting my daughter the help she needs and with your support and encouragement I'd be getting my daughter for possibly 70-80% care as a push for the mum to spend that time working on her own issues. It's unbelievably unfair that she's being used in this way.
It’s truly awful when a parent plays head games with their child in order to manipulate the outcome of a custody arrangement. I went through years of this. I’m the biological mother, with a partner and we have another younger child together as well. My ex was constantly messing with my older son on his weekend and holiday visits from the age of 3. There was the constant telling him how much he missed him, loved him, was lost without him, and wanted to spend more time with him, but that extra time in our case didn’t actually exist. Our custody orders stipulate that neither household is to speak negatively or deride the other parent, a clause I and my solicitor insisted on. Violation of this is the same as any other violation of custody orders and grounds for a revision of supervised access, which has been implemented in the past for us as well. So we had an extremely anxious, angry and resentful child, who did all the fun stuff at dad’s, and the boring, school, routine stuff at mum and step-dad’s. The first few days back from dad’s and the days leading up to him going we often find ourselves in damage control mode as we see behaviours escalate along with his anxiety.
As well as having a diagnosis of ASD and GAD, he’s now been in therapy for 9 years out of his 16. It’s been well worth it particularly for discovering their perspective on healthy and happy families, and how they function, what causes them anxiety, and teaching them coping mechanisms.
Definitely don’t give up or pull back from this child. Despite all the heartache and hurt, and my son repeatedly telling me he wanted to live with his dad as soon as he was old enough, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. He’s older now, and with that age and maturity comes perspective. We shield them from a lot of the truth when they’re younger, but can tell them more (as much as is appropriate) the older they get and they gain more insight into the choices and decisions that we made for them, and sometimes even thank us or apologise for things they said and did.
Please please please don’t stop contact with this child, sounds like she needs all the support she can get and walking away will only cause long term mental health issues (my father did this to me and I have not seen or spoken to him in years and have absolutely no relationship with him because it all got too hard for him and he thought it was better/easier to walk away...total opposite and has caused long term issues.
I know it is really tough at the moment but in the long run she needs to know he won’t give up on her and loves her unconditionally.
strict boundaries in your home and maybe change to every 2nd weekend and 1 night for dinner during the week or something so regular contact is still there but sounds like normal kid behaviour to play the parents off against the other especially when one allows it and blames the other for everything. Lots of love to you all as it is an incredibly hard situation but please stick with her and provide her with lots of love
If you relinquish 50/50 child will think you never really wanted them. BioMum will play on that and make it worse. Get your daughter psychology sessions with a counseller while she is with you. Get some for yourselves in regard to your other children too and how this is affecting them. You all need support.