How do you blend step families?

Anonymous

How do you blend step families?

I'm terrified of getting into a step family & quite frankly, a bit put off. I've been seeing someone with a 5 and 7 year old and mine are a 11 and 8. I've heard friends with stories of trying to blend stepfamilies and it isnt worth the stress. When do you introduce your kids to your new partner? A year in? How do you introduce the kids together? How does disciplining work? I don't want to be in a situation where my kids see his kids treated "better" because their "his" kids. I don't want them to feel left out, like outsiders in a strangers home. I do want to try and make it work but I'm scared.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt

5 Replies

Anonymous

Thank you for having those fears. You are going to do great because you have thought about this and will work hard to either resolve the problems and protect your kids above all else.

Firstly take it slow. It isn’t a race and you can have a perfectly good long term relationship without living together. 6 months I’d be considering introducing your kids to him on a casual basis (occasional outings, bbqs, low key) if there are no red flags. Look for those red flags and don’t ignore them.

Listen to him and his parenting style. Is it compatible with your parenting or is it poles apart. It needs to be within the same region if you are going to blend. Don’t blend if you can’t get on the same page.

Do your kids like him and does he like your kids? Give them time to get to him in a safe and low key way. Does he like your kids? Does he interact with them fairly? If not don’t move in!

At first you will not be able to parent the others children. After you get to know them you can gradually take on the role of fun auntie or uncle. Eventually you will take on more parenting.

This all needs to be talked about. If he isn’t the kind of guy to talk about this stuff and parent with thought and planning, run.

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Anonymous

How long you wait to introduce depends how long you have both been separated from the kids other parents. At least a year from separation or longer if any of them are having a hard time. If it's been over a year and all the kids are fine then you could introduce everyone as soon as you think it's going to be a serious relationship. Start off as you would with friends kids, organise going places together or have catch ups at each others houses. There should be differences in how they are treated at first, just like you would expect of friends and their kids. You deal with yours, he deals with his. As you get to know each others kids really well then you can take on the aunty/uncle role. Don't ever be in a rush to move in.

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Anonymous

You’ve thought about the kids feelings first, that’s absolutely awesome.

Can I ask you to sit down with him and talk about all this first. Come up with a parenting plan. That fits both of you. See how you both parent etc before moving in together and up heaving everyone.

Make sure that he understands you’re not going to have any disrespect sent your way and you expect the same from your kids. If you ask his kids to do something and they say no... how would either of you react if he doesn’t have your back it is not going to work.

For me I was lucky we created a step family except he didn’t have any kids of his own already but I expect my kids to listen to him, follow instructions and respect him. We didn’t move in together for a few years though but before we did I made sure we both had similar parenting techniques and expectations of the children. He treats our child like he would treat the older children and I love it. If the older children wouldn’t get away with it then our little monster won’t get away with it. For us it was simple. I know my ex has treated any girlfriends children the same way he would treat ours and has never let them being biological or not be the reason for them getting away with anything.

Just remember it’s always ok to put your kids first, it’s never ok to let them suffer or be made to feel second best by someone including their family. And it is more than ok to walk away before it gets any more serious if you know it’s not going to work out. Somethings are only supposed to be a good time not a long time!

Also remember if you are on centre link payments they will be affected by his income and if he’s the bread winner and works full time and isn’t willing to support you staying home to parent or take on the role of parent so you can get a job and also earn an income so you don’t fully rely on him then it isn’t going to work either. Do not go into it blind and not knowing what the other is willing to do xx

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Anonymous

It's tough and didn't work out for me. That was more to do with him, and how he treated my kids though. Definitely sit down and talk about parenting allot before moving forward, I should have done it more! No reason why it can't work with allot of discussion. There are lots of happily ever after stories too!

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Anonymous

Do you need to? I have a 4 and 7 year old. I’d love a boyfriend but I have no intention of living with someone

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