Does anyone else feel like they can’t ask their hubby’s for help because he is just absolutely hopeless? We have a 6 year old and a 4 month old and asking him to help me out with anything is always a fight. For example, I asked him to peel some potatoes and put them on the stove for dinner tonight while I quickly ran to the shops (had to take the 4 month old with me because he can’t peel potatoes and have the 4 month old around 😡). I get home and check the potatoes and he hasn’t put enough water in the pot. The potatoes are still poking out the top of the water. I stay home with our 4 month old and he works full time, and uses that as his excuse for not doing anything. I’m up 2-3 times PER NIGHT with our bub, plus our 6 year old has ADHD and ODD and every morning trying to get him ready for school while trying to deal with a 4 month old is absolute hell. Hubby leaves for work at 6:30am every morning so I have to deal with hell breaking loose every morning. I sort of expect on the weekend, he get up for bub at least once just to give me a break, but he doesn’t. Or when he does (rarely) he will wake me up and ask ‘do you want me to get up for bub?’ LIKE, YES MATE GET THE F UP!!!!
When he gets home from work of an afternoon, around 3:30, he goes and sits on the toilet on his phone for an hour then goes outside and works on his car. I’m left inside trying to organise dinner and deal with a 4 month old. He comes inside, has a shower, eats his dinner, sits on the couch on his phone for an hour and is in bed by 8-9pm. Some days I don’t even get to shower because by the time I’ve fed bub (exclusively breast feeding) put our 6 year old to bed, organised uniforms and lunches, and cleaned the kitchen it’s like 10-11pm and I am too tired. Then I’m up 2-3 times per night and then up at 6am starting the same shitty day.
I clean the house nearly everyday. We have white glossy tiles so I’m vacuuming and mopping every two days. I slave my add off in this household.
Last weekend, he put the few dishes in the dishwasher and wiped down the benches. Later that day he has a go at everyone because the kitchen and benches are a mess. Yet when I clean every fkn day, and he leaves his shit lying around everywhere I don’t say a word.
I’ve tried talking to him about how I need more from him, but he reckons he is just exhausted from work. I absolutely love him with all my heart and I have no intention of leaving him, but I need more from him. He has no consideration for anyone but himself (I’m saying that as lovingly as I can), it’s just the way he is. He is a total ass hole but I love him. He is a great dad to our 6 year old. He is always getting him out and about, he just doesn’t help with our 4 month old or with any domestic chores at home. I cook dinner every night for our family, just for him to stack the dishwasher before he goes to bed once or twice a week would be a massive help. I’d love to have even a 10 minute shower!
What can I do to make it sink into his stubborn head that I’m struggling and really need more from him?
Am I seeking too much from him, seeing though he works full time?
Thanks mums.
29 Replies
You are not expecting too much. He needs to step up. He is not too tired, because he has energy to do the things he wants to do like play with his car.
Time to call him out.
Talk to him, say
Hun from 6am to when the kids go to bed my life is full on, I want to have a shower I stink and I hate that I don’t smell great. If I shower with bub I can’t shave, I can’t wash my hair properly and I can’t relax. I give you a hour or so to relax most night and I need you to help out with the kids so I can get you all fed and spend time with you becasue like you (right now not so much) I’m also stuffed by the time you get home from work, you have a shit and a tinker in the shed. If you’re constipated drink more water so you can shit faster and help me out. Is there any chance this is goIng to happen or are we gonna stay in the 1950’s becasue I need to prepare for that amount of regression.
He does need to step up and you need to talk louder, calmly but loudly! I get that he’s not hearing you. Personally I have a slow cooker and if all I have to do is cook rice or boil potatoes then I will use the microwave. Good luck you got this, Mayne he’ll listen eventually but until then hold on and just do your best.
Definitely not asking to much. What is it with most men these days that think it’s okay to be complete arse hats when it comes to helping. It’s not that fricken hard to give your partner/wife a hand with the house work and your kids. I guess all you can do is make a point in telling him how you feel and that he needs to step up. He is home at 3:30 he could be doing so much to help. And he should be able to help with the baby. Apart from feeding, there isn’t anything you can do that he can’t.
Not asking too much. This makes me so mad. He's a grown man running a house with a child, how on earth can he expect to do nothing? How was he raised? How did he live before you came along? You're not asking him to HELP. You're asking him to adult. To be a husband and be a parent.
Going to work doesn't excuse him, everybody does that. Lift your expectations because that will suck the joy from your life and that's really unfair, not a partnership at all.
Oh wow. He is so lazy.
My hubby leaves home at 5am walks in the door at 7:10pm rolls up his sleeves and gets amongst the chaos. Never has to be asked and uses initiative.
6:30am-3:30pm and an 8-9pm bed time what a princess!
There is no medal for working full time its like a basic requirement of life! He is doing bare minimum!
You need to have a serious discussion in your household the sooner the better!
Sit him down and tell him you can’t do it all! Your sleep deprived and he needs to consistently do more. Don’t let him use exhaustion as an excuse. We are all exhausted! Tell him what you need.
The 10 mins it took you to type this , was when you should have had that 10 minute shower you wanted , if you're really so strapped for time .
Him working on his car after work, is it unnecessary tinkering, or repairing it so you and the kids have a working vehicle ? He should probably do a bit more for the family such as cook on weekends and fo dishes on weekends , sure , but to me it sounds like his days are full too providing for you all . Cut him a little slack .
Really cut him some slack? He does less hours a day than what I and my husband ( some days my hubby isnt walking into the door until 7pm after leaving at 4.30am) do and guess what we both still come home and do washing, dinner, tidy ups, lunches. I think its time for ol mate to put his big boy jocks on and man up. He is a father and a husband not a bloody child.
So because your husband works longer it's a competion is it ? Her husband is gone 9 hours , that's considered full time ! And when he gets home hes 'working' still on their car according to her , so his day isn't over either. He should definitely be helping her more , but he isn't lazy ! My ex was a lazy arse who wouldn't hold down a job and still did nothing around the house . Now THAT'S lazy . The OP's husband still works! It's not like hrs doing nothing at all ..and whats with all these sheep on here lately bleating on about 1950's , including one on here too , what's it all in reference to? Because your egos have been personally attacked ? So many people on these threads who aren't happy with someone else's opinion , theres far too many people getting offended, and your complaining about the 50's? Welcome to the year 2019 where every man and his dog are deeply offended by so many things .
The guy should be stepping in when she needs help with HIS kids for sure , but IMO shes getting far too upset over more than she should . That's MY opinion and I'm entitled to it is that going to continue to offend you ? Then tough . I would have to know them personally or to live in their house to know the real dynamics here . I'm only going off what shes written. Still offended I have a different opinion to yours,? Tough again.
Look how angry you are! Maybe you feel personally attacked!
It’s not a competition no your right. But honestly he is a pathetic excuse for a partner and father. Plain and simple!
My Ego has not been personally attacked. But hopefully we have moved past mum have to do everything around the house because Dad works!
Hahaha who's angry ? I've typed the lot with no angriness , just firmness , so if that made 'you' angry, then that's up to you to feel that way .
OP obviously loves her partner so it's a bit harsh that you have name called him , that part was highly aggressive and probably not what she needs to hear you say .
Are you kidding or have you time warped from the 1950s! If only my hubby was home from 3:30pm in the afternoon. Including a commute he isn’t away from home very long at all. He could absolutely pack a dish washer after he eats. Or help with bedtime routine!
Hahah ,oh there she is, the Miss Everything Is 1950's commenter 🤣
Oh I was waiting for this comment 😂
I doubt very much it’s the ‘family car’ he is working on. It’s most likely his hobby car.
No family car needs work done every day FFS
Exactly! And I doubt it needs daily maintenance. It’s an excuse!
The issue with this comment isn't the inherent misogyny and the ludicrous suggestion the car may need work for the kids safety, it's the fact that a woman has spoken up and said she's getting crushed under the weight of everything she's gotta do and is asking for help to express that to her husband.
Your advice is to tell her how writting this was a waste of time she could've used to shower and to lay off her husband.
How is that helpful?
It said cut him 'some' slack . Not lay off him altogether . That would just be madness . It also said yes he should be helping more , especially if hes just tinkering with his car and doesnt need to actually be doing it . Fixing the car is one thing , tinkering is another.
Well unless she says what the purpose is for working on his car , there will b a lot of assumptions as to what hes actually doing with it .
I think this is a valid question. My husband leaves at the 5 am and is home at about 3.30pm. He does absolutely nothing of cleaning, cooking etc. But he works solidly for hours every day on stuff other like servicing the cars, building retaining walls, doing renos, mowing etc. Every day he contributes hours of hard physical work to the house. So absolutely not lazy... I just get things done that other people would need to pay someone to do. And when hubby needs to upgrade our 4wd in some way, it can be long hours of hard work for weeks. He probably wouldn't put enough water in a pot with potatoes either though lol. I'd just add more honestly. He also couldn't hold the baby (when we had them) by the time he sat exhausted on the couch on many days because he'd have insulation on him from climbing through roofs that day etc which is really itchy. So I'd get a break if bubs slept, but otherwise, I had to wait until hubby had showered and was OK to hold our babies. I think all this mum is asking is whether the poster's husband is in fact contributing to the household but through other tasks. I don't think she's making a slight against modern women or equality. **** also, it's valid because if the stuff he's doing is for the household but isn't lightening her load, she needs to approach how she asks hubby for support differently. Instead of telling him he does nothing, she might get a better outcome if she says she isn't coping (makes that really clear) and asks that some of the things he's doing that aren't urgent get put on the back burner for just a little while so that he can help with a, B or c while bubs is so demanding. Any kind of negotiation is more successful if you understand what the other party wants/needs/feels too. That way he might be open to the discussion and have a great suggestion of how the problem can be addressed that she hasn't considered.
A lot of those things your hubby does sound like luxuries to me, when someone else isn’t even managing the necessities of surviving like having a shower. Upgrading can wait, when your partner is Drowning!
True. But when half way through a job that can't just be put on hold, discussion is needed. I'm just saying that asking for clarification on whether the stuff this hubby is doing is for the family vs a hobby is valid as it changes the way you should approach the conversation.
I'm going to rewrite my advice to you because i dont want my message getting lost in an unhelpful argument between random internet strangers.
And i now have time to elaborate on a few things.
1. Don't let anyone make you feel like this is just how things are because he's a hard working man and you're a stay at home mum, I'm sure that he does work hard but at the moment it sounds like he's hitting the bare minimum requirement in all other departments and you're suffocating.
This dynamic might work for other people's relationships and that's fine but it's not working for you and that's valid. No one has the right to make you feel like it's not. You're at the end of your rope and you are allowed to feel this way and you are allowed to expect more from your husband.
There are literally no prizes in this life for being a martyr!
2. You need to prioritise your needs and be clear about what they are.
If you need a shower, tell him straight "I need to go have a shower, please take the baby".
(If you read my previous post, do understand i certainly didn't mean to rudely bark orders at him, I just mean don't skirt the issue - be direct).
3. Write a list of things that he needs to do to take the load off and have a discussion about it (pick a moment that's not full of chaos so this can be a calm and clear conversation).
Even of it's just things like:
Keeping kid's entertained whilst you cook dinner.
Bathing mr 6 after dinner.
Helping tidy the kitchen after dinner so it's done quicker and you can noth rest.
Doing the bedtime routine regularly.
Getting up to the baby without asking first.
Taking the initiative to do something that looks like it needs doing.
Picking a better time to tinker with his car (ie. not at the time of day you find most stressful and really need his support).
I really hope things start looking up for you, I can remember this phase of my life and it damn well nearly broke my spirit. It took a toll on my self esteem and i lost my value as a human being for a while, i just accepted that good mums put themselves last and their needs are less important than her partner and children's because that's what society has ingrained in us for so damn long.
Don't let yourself get to that point, it's really hard to come back from.
I feel like i could have written this post. We have a 5yo and 5 month old. My partner does nothing around the house. He gets home usually at 230 and he will go straight on the computer until he goes to bed at 9. He eats dinner at the computer 50% of the time too. He leaves clothes, shoes, dishes and tools everywhere - literally does not pick up a thing after himself. Doesn't cook or help me cook. I am struggling to stay on top of the housework but still he does nothing. I have had to get him to consider spending 20 mins a day with our boys, but even that is too much.
No advice, just know you're not alone
Oh man. You are a much kinder person than I am. That computer would have a hammer embedded in it if my partner was like yours.
I wouldn't do a thing for him. He needs a massive wakeup call.
I know I put up with more than I should, but I just can't bring myself to leave him.
I usually work full time, currently on maternity leave, and bring home more money than he does, but because his job is physical and mine is a desk job, he still doesn't do anything around the house. I think it's been 3 months or so since he even mowed the lawn 🙄
Yeahhhh no you're really not asking too much. I think a lot of couples struggle with this kind of power imbalance when one parent stays home so the other thinks they just can do the bare minimum?
Im a stay at home mum with a 4yo, almost 2yo and I'm very pregnant with our 3rd, my partner is out of the house from 5-5 sometimes more and he gets home and i dont expect him to do too much housework or anything, but i expect him (and he wants to!) To spend time with the kids. He plays with them, they all love it and i get a chance to finish off dinner and the washing up and any little jobs i havent been able to get to all day. He does their baths as well and reads to them and we all have dinner together. On weekends he gets up with them in the morning, and takes care of the morning stuff (breakfast, dressed, teeth) and then we have a family outing or sometimes he just takes them himself so I can rest or have some time to myself. But theyre his kids, he wants to do all this. Sometimes if he's run down or had a big week we just communicate that he is exhausted and he gets more rest or time to himself, we just be open with our needs with that kind of stuff. But also on the weekend we clean up together, he helps me get anything done thats been piling up all week, he vacuums and cleans the bathrooms because i cant bend at the moment (being super pregnant) and he mows and looks after outside. He doesnt do much housework during the week but does on the weekend.
Life with a 4 month old thats exclusively breastfeeding is HARD and then with another kid on top of it, he does need to step up a bit more. Having that time to yourself to shower and just have some of the mental load being taken off you with him doing some dishes or helping out with the kids at dinner time would make such a difference.
He’s a parent, he should be parenting when at home 50% just like you
I have a rule. If dinner isn’t cooked/finished by the time hubby gets home he can either look after the kids 100% or do dinner. I always make an attempt to have it ready so on the days it’s not he knows that things haven’t been easy. 2.5 yr old and 1yr old. Then it’s 50/50 until both kids are asleep
This may help - I give my husband two options, just like I do my toddler.. Except with my toddler it's "Banana or Apple?" And with my husband it's " baby needs a bath and dinner needs cooking, which one are you going to do?". He will always choose the easiest option but at least he does one of them.
I do this all night so he can see all the things that need doing.
This was totally my husband, except he was a moody asshole to go with it. It took for me to get to such a bad mental state that I told him I didn’t love him anymore and I was leaving for my own sanity as I had begun to have suicidal ideology. He pulled his head in pretty quickly when he realised I wasn’t kidding. I hated who he was and how selfish he was and I hate that I allowed him to treat me so poorly for so long that it affected my mental health so severely.