I have a 10 year old girl who is beautiful and so smart. Her dad and I broke up when she was 2 and we have a good relationship. She goes there for 3 nights every week.
She absolutely adores her Dad, they are best friends and I love that! The issue I'm having is that she would rather be there, and it breaks my heart. When she is here, from the moment she wakes up its like I've done something wrong to her. She speaks to me like I'm worthless. But idolises her Dad. When she is here we are a normal family. She has a step dad and half brother that adore her. She has rules, a bed time and there is structure and I just finished redoing her bedroom which looks amazing. At her Dads, they live at his Mums house in a large dark room under the main house and they both basically sit on their computers until all hours, sleep all day, he doesnt make her shower or brush her teeth. He will send her back here with a large bottle of soft drink and lollies. So obviously we seem like second best. I am always trying to do nice things with her and for her to bond but all she is worried about is calling her dad and going to see him. This morning I picked her up from a sleep over (her dad and I decided it was easier for me to pick her up) and when she saw me she was disgusted it wasnt her dad picking her up (he usually drops her off here Saturdays at 4pm, this was Saturday at 10am). I didn't even get to ask her how her sleep over was, she had already called her Dad off my phone to pick her up for the remaining 6 hours of the day and he took her to the movies.
I know this will pass and in 10 years we will probably be besties, I just dont know how to deal with it right now. I'm sick of getting my heart broken by a 10 year old. I feel like she hates being here but I feel like if she lives with her Dad I would be giving up on her, not to mention I'm scared of the person she will become by living the way they do. I also don't want to keep trying to compete with him, because no matter what I do she just doesnt care about me. Do i stop caring? Do I let her stay with dad for a month or will that be giving up on her??
She had an open day at her school the other day which I went to (like I do everything), her dad never goes. She had a big important test last week and he forgot and didn't even wish her luck. I would never bad mouth him in front of her but I also feel like the fact I have always told her how lucky she is to have him as a dad, he would never praise me at all for anything, has to do with it. We get a long but he has always spoken down to me (not rudely, just like I'm not as smart as him as he is 20 years older than me). I feel like she has picked up on that and also thinks I'm dumb and worthless.
6 Replies
Letting her live there isn't giving up on her. But it's not your only option. 10 year olds don't get to make the decisions, especially not through tantrums. I would only let her go if she can show you respect for a month solid first. Use it to build a good relationship and explain how you do what you do to be a good parent, because you care about her a lot, so you don't lose her completely if she does go. Perhaps do it now and let the reward be the 2 whole weeks of school holidays at dad's. If successful you can look at doing it again for Christmas holidays.
Also ask dad to get on board with speaking positively and supporting respect for parents, as you will need to do the same for him at some point or she'll be playing you off each other to get what she wants her whole teenage years.
It feels like she doesn’t care about you, but that’s your perception. I was a total B*tch to my mum at this age but I loved her to pieces. I was just throwing a massive tantrum because she insisted on doing her job which was parenting me.
I’m so grateful she stuck it out, stuck to being the parent. We are really close and have been since I was about 14.
Unfortunately your ex has opted out of actual parenting and so it’s up to you to do the hard work despite that. It isn’t fair. I’d stop singing his praises. Don’t bad mouth him, but stop telling her how lucky she is, cause she isn’t. She has a lazy arse dad who can’t be bothered.
I would not try and compete but I’d make mum and daughter time on a fortnightly basis, do something you both enjoy together where you can forget about the difficulties of the situation.
It won’t be that long and she will start to see the reality of her dads disinterest.
10 is a hard age, and it's only going to get harder as she goes through her teens. She needs her mum, she needs to know you have standards in your home, rules, boundries and routine. She can have whatever she wants at her father's but come home time, and the game changes.
I know it's hard not being the fun/favourite parent but when she's a woman and she looks back, all the things you do for her, the structure she has with you and the u conditional love she gets from you will stand above all else.
Don't cave and let her stay with her Dad. Keep things as they are. It sounds like you do an amazing job at trying to keep things as "fun" as possible, all the while still being a "parent".
I often see when parents are separated, the father usually becomes a friend above anything else and it's the mums who have to parent alone, despite "co-parentjng" agreements... you need to be her mum. That's not always fun... But trust me, she will thank you for it in the long run.
Keep doing you
Right now you are her constant.
You are the one enforcing all the boring, essential stuff.
You make her go to bed at a reasonable time, you make sure she doesn't live off crap, you enforce personal hygeine, you have rules, routines and structure. In short, all the stuff she's not yet mature enough to understand that she needs.
She may not see it now, she may not see it for a while yet but one day she will understand and appreciate everything that you've done for her.
. I feel like you are buttering up that you actually are upset about it . Stop kidding yourself. You know you're not happy about this . And that's ok xx
I went to live with my dad at 11, it was supposed to be a month, turned into a year, which turned into my permanent home. My dad is a good man, but was also a lack of boundaries and rules dad. I was lucky i had a good mum who set me up well for how to look after myself. Though my dad is a very wholesome and loving man, so i felt i had a good role model in how to be good human being. There is a wound there however. My mother was hearbroken, but respected my choices. Sometimes i wished she put her foot down, i would have fought her, but i was only a kid. My biggest thing i can say, is if she does live with him, dont trear her like the person you imagine she will become in your head because of that lifestyle. Love her and treat her and see her as the amazing child she is, get deeper than the surface stuff. And tell her you miss having her around. I fee for you i really do. I have daughters and their dads is the fun sometimes dad too. Xxx