Please don’t post this to the Facebook page :) thank you
What would you do if you knew your bil and sil aren’t taking parenting at least a little seriously?
In the last week this is what has happened. Our friends had a get together/bonfire on saturday night. We decided not to go because it’s freezing cold and also we know they would be getting high on who knows what. Bil and sil took their one year old to this get together. They didn’t leave Till late and passed the baby around like a toy to drunk and high people. They are constantly complaining he is sick all the time but then decide to take him on outings late at night in the freezing cold. My husband works with his brother and told him he was stupid for taking their son to this bonfire. We love our friends but are not blind to their faults or issues and we keep our son away from that. We don’t want him to grow up thinking it’s the norm.
Then on Monday they took him to the doctors because his sick again and the doctor said he has an ear infection and a cloud on his lungs. Instead of staying home because they have the luxury of her being a Sahm she takes him to a baby show while he is crook as a dog. I just wish they would look after him better because he is such a sweet little thing. She complains that he is delayed. Which he isn’t, he walked at 11-12 months he just doesn’t really say anything but then again they speak for him so he doesn’t need to learn. I love this little boy and so does my husband but it make us so angry that they can’t give up the life they lived before falling pregnant. Neither of them smoke or get high and she doesn’t even drink at these things. They just can’t seem to find the compromise of being a parent and a young person.
Things like this have been going on since he was born but these two things are the most recent.
I just don’t know how to approach it or if I even should.
17 Replies
This is us as parents, my husband and I both regularly attend events with our son where both alcohol and drugs are present (though as he gets older one of us has been staying home with him). Granted that each place we go to has a spare room/cot for him and he has a safe space to sleep and we happily put him down there and then drive home when necessary, or one of us will leave early and take him home.
If he was sick though I wouldn't be taking him out, we always stay indoors in the warmth away from others.
Does it mean I look after him less? Absolutely not. Does it mean I love him less? No. I just want to maintain normality and not be a prude and stay at home. Being a SAHM is fucking isolating so good on her for getting out and about even if she doesn't drink at events. At least they're being social.
I think you're over reacting and being very nosy. I'm an 80's baby and this was all very normal back then, I survived. You don't need to give everything up just because you have a baby. It's none of your business what they do.
You weren't there.
Our house is one where the Friday night bonfires are held. We have a few drinks after a week of work, some partake of a pipe separately - so? We all have adult kids now and most of these adult kids either don't drink or don't smoke, it doesn't mean they're not welcome and they do come, they bring their kids including babies. Smoking is done elsewhere, we can put down a shitload of booze and be capable of sitting in a chair and being handed a baby to hold if required. Anyone can tell if someones had too much and to avoid that one. Being out when it's cold is a way of life for 4 months of the year. Life doesn't stop for 4 months, that's what the fire and warm clothes and blankets is for. If there are health issues or delays that's for their medical team to explore with them but as far as socialising, how many times do we have to tell parents to invest in their friendships or they'll lose them? It's not about not relinquishing their youth, it's about not becoming isolated.
My parents didn’t give up going to parties when I was a kid, I didn’t give up when I had my son either. I didn’t drink or use drugs, but my son certainly came to events.
I think this is very much a cultural thing and it’s none of your business.
My parents used to take out sleeping bags to parties etc and wed sleep in our sleeping bags and then dad would carry us to the car etc.
My son slept great at these events (better than at home).
I personally don’t see parties as any different to weddings and loads of people kick up a stink if they can’t take there babies and children to weddings.
Edit: if my son was sick, we stayed home!
And we go camping in the middle of winter. Loads of fun!
I'm with you here.
Taking a baby out (to non essential places like a baby show) when he's got and ear infection and a cloud on the lung is selfish. It's not a cultural thing, it's got nothing to do with being a prude, it's called having common sense and consideration for your child's comfort and well-being.
As for the bonfire - Sure if they'd gone for a few hours (not til all hours), at least one of them remained totally sober and they weren't passing him around to inebriated people like he was a rag doll then I'd think a cause for concern would be over the top but I again agree with you.
They were both using and/or getting drunk, I don't give a flying hairy nutsack if anyone thinks that's no big deal or if it's completely acceptable - it's not and there is no way that a person can adequately care for an infant child when they are in an altered state of mind. Period!
It actually alarms me that this is so normalised.
Again, not a cultural thing, it's an inability to prioritize thing.
It's not hard to get a babysitter if you wanna get loose, kids don't need to be exposed to people under the use of recreational drugs or who are heavily intoxicated. You can have your fun whilst still being a responsible parent.
I can tell you come from a place of concern, and it's valid concern. Have a chat, mother to mother and get your partner to do the same with I'm assuming his brother?
They might take things on board, they might not bit at least you'll know you tried, aside from that, just keep an eye on the little fella. I have a feeling you'll need to...
This is what I mean. I don’t expect them to not hang out with our friends but to at least have some forethought on their sons care. I don’t doubt that they love him but I was the child at these things as well. I know what it’s like seeing people in these environments and it’s the main reason why we shield our own son from it.
We still see our friends and we do take him with us occasionally it’s just we have made it clear we won’t put up with those kind of actions around him and if it’s going to turn into that either we both leave or I take him home.
It’s just frustrating as well because I have offered to watch him for them but the knock it back because they love the photo op with the baby and all our friends love putting beer bottles to his mouth cause they think it’s funny.
I just realized I misread this slightly.
I did not realize they do not partake, I still feel it shows poor judgement to have baby so heavily involved with people who choose to live that lifestyle, so I think everything I've mentioned still stands.
Hopefully they start making better choices.
Could you be a little bit jealous?
The thing is I’m not because when I want to go I make sure my son is looked after. Also I don’t particularly like to spend my nights with our friends when they are getting high and whatnot so I opt out.
The statement they have the luxury of her being a sahm comes across very bitter on your behalf, and throws a shadow of jealousy over your whole post.
Just the bonfire part - I'd never take a child to bonfire . The smoke is far too irritating for little lungs . Even I cough my guts up around bonfires , I can't imagine what several hours in a smokey environment can do to developing lungs .
Yes, my eyes and chest hurt for days after a bonfire too.
Not to mention that fire + people under the influence + baby/small child is a recipe for disaster!
If the parents are sober then there is no issue with them being able to keep their kids safe, also not hard to keep children a responsible distance away from the actual fire, and only an idiot stands where they are going to get a face full of smoke. I’m sure it’s a small back yard bonfire not a farm burn off bonfire. No issue, you don’t have to miss you just because you have kids
Our bonfire is sunk in the ground. Never, in 15 years since we installed this one, has anyone been anywhere near falling in it. Adult or child. An alert parent is as capable of steering a child away from an open fire or a bit of wood smoke as they are a hot iron, hot cup of coffee, boiling pot or internal fireplace. Sometimes these gatherings are also the social interactions between the kids, they don't necessarily go to the same schools or sports, with both parents working this Friday night get together is when they get to hang with their family. There's often a few kids playing footy while the dog tries to eat the ball, and that one kid that collects rocks and makes little piles of them all over my driveway. Or the bigger kids will grab the gel blaster and take turns shooting a stack of old tyres. Some prefer to colour in or they'll bring an ipad and I chuck in the pw so they can watch something. So it's not just our relationships, it's also fostering that same inclusiveness with all the kids. As an outsider the bond this lot have is phenomenal. I came in as an 18 yr old, these lot have known each other literally their whole lives and the friendship is like nothing I'd ever experienced previously. We want that for our kids.
I don’t see the problem.
You don’t actually get sick from the cold, but from viruses and bacteria.
I’m the same with my kids.
I don’t believe in staying home and missing out. My kids fit into my lifestyle, not the other way around
The thing that irks me most in all of this (because it's a pet peeve of mine and I know what it feels like from personal experience) is that they see no issue taking him here there and everywhere whilst he's sick!
Yes, we know "cold" doesn't make you sick yadda yadda yadda but it's certainly not pleasant being out in the cold and til late at night when you have an ear infection and respiratory issues.
I was plagued with these issues when I was a kid, my mum dragged me everywhere, sent me to daycare or school (she also didn't work) feeling like I was on death's door and in quite a lot of pain because cold air and an infected ear can be excruciating. I'm still very sensitive to cold air as an adult!
You don't need to give up your social life and become a total recluse just because you've had a kid but your priorities and certain lifestyle choices do need to change.
Namely that your social life shouldn't be put above the needs of your child.