My anxiety is starting to really run high. My fiancee of 8 yrs has been invited to a bucks night (his first ever), with some new friends from work. This will take him away for the whole weekend to the central coast. now usually I'm pretty chill with nights out. But after a previous relationship which saw my ex cheat on me with women via webcam and texts, I am starting to get super anxious and worried. I love him dearly and he has never given me a reason to doubt him, he's always good to me in so many ways, when he's really drunk and out he always calls me professing his love.
The problem for me is there will be a strip club and I have some serious body confidence issues. I'm petrified that he's going to touch them 'wrong' or take one back to the hotel. Im his first ever girlfriend that's lasted past 3 weeks, we have 2 kids and another on the way (35+6 weeks). I trust him, but not when there's a herd mentality, so monkey sees monkey do, like what happens in Vegas, if you get what I mean? I know without a doubt that he loves me, and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me in any way, but I'm just scared that he's going to forget me. Am I just overreacting and should I just let it go and let him enjoy being a bloke and a very rare night out with his mates? I have talked to him about it many times and voicing my concerns, he keeps reassuring me that he will behave himself, it's not him, but yes there will be a strip club, it's a bucks night.
I should mention that he's only ever been with one other woman prior to me.
Am I just being stupid???
14 Replies
Yes you are over- reacting. You can't project trust issues from your previous relationship from close to a decade ago onto your fiance. The majority of men that go to bucks nights do not do anything untoward nor do most men that go to strip clubs we only tend to hear about the bad minority. So if you have never had a reason to mistrust your fiance you need to find away to move forward whether it be through counselling, a distraction etc. By all means voice your concerns to him but don't be surprised if he tells you you are being silly or if he gets annoyed that you don't trust him because of what some jerk did years ago.
He is not your ex.
Your insecurities are yours to bear and overcome, they aren't his burden.
After 8 years and 3 kids with your current partner, if your ex's actions are still having an impact on your life it's probably time to think about getting some professional help to move past that. Otherwise it will consume you and plague your current relationship.
Personally I think you're over reacting. To put another spin on it I think you'll find there's very strict rules at strip clubs around touching. And just because a woman is a stripper does not mean they go home with men they dance for. Trust your partner. You've been with him for 8 years and from what you've described he's a gem
Well y o u can't live with him attached To your hip all day and night. Surely that's not the life either of you want. So you have to choose to trust.
Hes proven himself over eight years, two children, another on the way, that’s not a short time, sounds like you have a great guy!!
Any issues would have come to the surface by now.
If you are still worrying about a past relationship, after eight years and being with a trustworthy guy, maybe look into counselling?
Also, if they are new friends from work, rather than his old mates he’s had forever, he will probably watch his ps and qs and be even better behaved because he doesn’t have the same comfort levels.
Wow, you really need to work through your issues with a professional, he has proven himself to be a great and trust worthy partner over 8 years but you still don’t trust him? Your body issues are your own, not his. Let him enjoy his time away and relax a little before you drive him away with the constant need for reassurance.
I get it and it would be really hard. I don't think you're over reacting, these feelings are valid. But I think it's important to feel them, and then understand that they need to be put to rest. You know you have some insecurities based on past experiences but this isn't the same circumstances. It's great you're talking openly and honestly with your partner about it so he knows where you're at.
When I am in situations like this (my partner has gone on bucks weekends or footy trips), I keep my self super busy. Even if it's something as simple as doing a heap of baking and cooking, as I have done myself. And just trying not to over think things. I also find it a lot easier not hearing a lot about strip club happenings because the more I know, the weirder it feels for me... Even though strip clubs are fairly good and respectable (if that's possible) these days
You trust him or you don’t. Your over reacting! Many MANY men go to bucks and never cheat!
Don’t let your past influence your present. Do not punish this man for your ex’s crimes
I trust my husband but I really disagree with strippers and bucks nights. It's shows the groom has no respect or loyalty to the woman he's going to marry. Regardless, I know hubby wouldn't get caught up in crowd mentality at a strip joint because it bothers him that other married men do. He knows lots of blokes that consider it a free pass and get lap dances and then hook up with some chick from a bar later. Unfortunately, they seem to want everyone else to do it too because then they don't feel guilty. He doesn't like saying no and not having that respected so he leaves and comes home by the time it is strip bar o'clock. He has no interest in doing anything that jeopardises our family because blokes he is mates with don't have the same values that he does. He's gone back to hotel rooms early before too when it's not local... When that happens he phones me while he's walking back and we talk for hours until we fall asleep. If a strippers at a house/hotel room, he does a snack run or whatever. He says it has no impact on the night because he's already had a good time by then and he just misses out on the messy stuff they don't remember anyway. Let your fiance go but explain your limits and that if he gets put in a situation where he's pressured to break them, you want to know that he'll leave. That's showing that you do trust him to make decisions that he knows you are OK with. And if he can do that, then he's showing you that your sense of security in your relationship with him is something that he respects and will protect. Good luck.
Agree! Disrespectful behaviour and pack mentality to justify themselves.
You are over reacting. Majorly. Your issues are yours and should not be projected onto him.
Yes you’re overreacting. You need to get control of yourself, this is almost nothing and it’s become a huge ‘something’ in your head.
You can’t possibly hold on tight enough to keep a man faithful; he’ll do that because he wants to. So whether he goes on this bucks night is irrelevant. A good man will always do the right thing, a jerk will do what he wants to do. It’s out of your control.
Live your best life, knowing that whatever happens you’re going to be ok, and give him the respect and liberty of doing the same. You’re not his mother, you can’t let him go or prevent it anyway.
He sounds like a good guy, let him enjoy himself, it’s just a bucks weekend that guys go on all the time. I promise you that they don’t all, or even nearly all, cheat or consider cheating.
No YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING!!! You feel uncomfortable & disliking of him going to a bucks night, strip club - Fair Enough! That is real & valid to you! The way those whores deliberately slide & grind & strip & pose & etc is All about getting a mans eyes & lusts & drool happening - why any partner in a committed relationship is interested in going or ok with their partner going, is beyond me. So wrong & temptation & dangerous!