After a recent cancer scare (luckily all clear) I did the whole plan for worst case scenario. I have come to the terrifying realisation, that if something does happen to me, or my husband there is literally no one to really look after our kids. We both have elderly parents and siblings who neither of us are close to, nor are they really the best option for a multitude of reasons. Neither my husband or I have any friends that we could ask this of. I have this fear now that if something happens my kids will be swallowed up by the foster system and possibly separated. The kids will come with a fairly sizeable chunk of money, which would be held in trust as per our wills, but I worry that whoever took the kids would do so for monetary gain as their guardians would be able to access this money and the kids left without this security for their future. Not sure whether I have blown this out of proportion in my mind or whether I should have genuine concerns. I just want my kids to grow up loved, together and be happy but don’t know how to give this to them if I am not here. not sure really if this is a question or whether I just needed to put it out there into the universe instead of rattling around in my head.
9 Replies
Thank goodness your ok! This worry is completely to be expected after the scare you have had. But now put your mind at ease by taking the best care of yourself you can. It is very unlikely that your children would loose you both so that is very very worst case scenario! In the event that it did happen you’d be surprised how well people rally. And often there are quite strict rules for the expenses guardians charge to a trust. Wishing you great health lovely and a peaceful mind xx
For the money concerns, talk to a solicitor about a testamentary trust in your will. It's expensive but we did it to control how money can be accessed & we have external trustees who have to approve spending. For example, we've said they can access funds to buy a larger house but the trust then owns that % of the house. Holidays etc. are fine. That kind of thing. It's strict but not ridiculously so. (Hubby's a financial planner so is particular about estate planning.)
I'm not particularly close to my sibling but we've decided if it happens his family is the best option. It's not perfect but we know they'd be well looked after.
I think you may be catastrophising, but I do understand your fears. My SIL and I aren’t close although I wish our circumstances were different and I could build on the relationship. My Partner and her don’t seem to be close either but none of their family seem to be close in reality. However even though my children have issues and we parent a whole lot differently I would take on her children if it was asked of me no matter how much I would think they’d drive me crazy 🤣 Their parents are elderly but live close and I’m sure it wouldn’t be as dramatic as you’re making it out to be.
However I feel the same about her and letting her take on my child if something was to happen to my partner and I, as I don’t really think that they would get what they needed to create a resilient child that could cope in the world the way I would want them too in the future. We do parent very differently and encourage different things but ultimately we want our kids to grow up be a good citizen, have a job, live comfortably and be able to go out alone into the world and succeed in what ever they choose to do. However I have a bonus. I have siblings I’m close to that would take on all of my children not just one of my children so they didn’t get separated from each other but would be able to go for weekend visitations etc if it came to that. My mum has recently had a health scare and although not “old” she’s old enough that I’m in my 30’s and she’s thankfully still around being her but I wouldn’t want her taking on my kids due to her health. But if she was the only one availiable I would want them to go to her before ending up in the foster system.
I guess what I’m saying is that as much as you think your kids wouldn’t get what you think they need, your Siblings and their partners aren’t probably as bad as you think they are. Even if you don’t think your partners family are equipped to deal with it you would be surprised by what someone does for love. Your kids coming with an amount of money would have nothing to do with how someone cares for them if they are decent people or their want to look after them I certainly wouldn’t care if they came from money it wouldn’t change how I treat them. My partner has money and works hard for it yet I’m still frugal and ensure that I do my best to stay within budget ocassiinally buying something for myself when my kids get a lot of needs/ wants met be it second hand or new . If they do something wrong they know about it and are punished accordingly. I honestly don’t think my SIL would ever think we’d be perfect to raise their kids but I’d also hope they know despite everything going on in our lives that we’d do our best to ensure the kids grew up with everything they needed (not wanted) and have opportunities thrown their way whilst growing up to be independent, resilient adults that had a good future ahead of them who were a credit to society who get pushed to be the best they can be. Not a bunch of dregs that use name/status/money or circumstance as an excuse for bad behaviour or how their lives have turned out.
Growing up in the foster system is not an ideal solution and I think someone having a different parenting style isn’t enough reason to say that they aren’t capable of looking after your children becasue they could be bringing something to the table that you’re not.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can build the kind of relationship you are looking for so that you don’t find yourself needing to think like this again xx
This scares me too.
My mum is mentally unstable, my mother in law is an addict, my kids don't really even know my dad and he likely wouldn't take them on anyway as he's too busy playing happy families with my step siblings.
Truthfully, I just try not to think about it and remain as rational about it as I can. It's unlikely that something might happen to both my partner and myself, and I just hope by the grace of god that some obscure relative would step up should it ever occur.
The money is something you should be able to get in order though, I'm sure it could be locked down and only accessible by the children once they reach adulthood (18). Get some legal advice one that, it's one thing that you can put your mind at ease over.
PS. I'm genuinely glad to hear you're okay.
I would actually speak to a professional that deals with these scenarios about this, if that's what you need to put your mind at ease and get proper advice. My sil is a lawyer and she's told us before in regards to our children that we are able to nominate who we would like our children to go to in our wills but it is not necessarily what will occur and the case would go to family court and the courts would make the decision to ensure your children are going to the best home possible
I’m living your nightmare and let me tell you it’s the worst. 48 year old single mum of 2 kids, 18 (doing VCE) and 16 (autism). I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in October 2018 and have undergone mastectomy surgery, 5 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. I am now on endocrine therapy. I’m not scared of dying as long as it’s painless but i’m terrified of not seeing my kids grow up and not being there for them, also worried about the long lasting effects not having their mum alive would have on them. Both my parents are deceased and I have no siblings. I do have an ex husband who is remarried and hope he would do the right thing by them if I were to pass away. Thank your lucky stars you are okay and not having to deal with this at the moment. When faced with your own mortality your whole perspective of what’s important and what’s not changes. Family is everything.
I have no family, an abusive kids dad and no savings to leave them, it's just me.
The fear of leaving them is real. You can't make a solution where there isn't one, just hope it doesn't happen.
My kids also have anxiety and ask all the time what would happen if I don't show up or if I die, and I always reassure them my friends would rally. I name our 5 people the kids have to go to for anything. They'll make sure they're taken care or and are safe.
I know someone who has prepared for the worst.
Her mother will be in control of any money and her best friend will take any children. That way, the money will be for the children to be raised/inheritance when they are a certain age.