Overnight Visits?! Do i, dont I, how do i say no?

Anonymous

Overnight Visits?! Do i, dont I, how do i say no?

Ok so i have been split with the ex 4yrs now. We have 2 kids together. I also have my older daughter he has taken on and he has 3older sons to 3 other women. His eldest son who is 19yrs lives with me not his mum or father. Its just a better homelife for him.

Anyway. So in the last 4yrs the ex has had several gfs and introduced his other kids to them. They have told the oldest son who is with me they hate going through this again and again, he doesnt listen to the kids. The first serious one was my best friend of 18yrs. Tore the kids up mentally asking why is daddy with mummys best friend. He messaged me and said cant see the kids until further notice and stopped his over night visits a few mths after the split. He would do sporadic visits with the kids until i said enough stop visiting so irrgularly. Phone the kids more and show more of an active role or nothing. He opted for nothing for a few mths. His mental stability started to show cracks going up and down at this point. So he ended up seeing them on and off no commitment again after saying he was going to make more of an effort. Until one day I said right this time, this spot, for this long or not at all ever again. You dont crawl in screw the kids up and leave me to fix the mess you make. He started proper regular contact. Except for fortnightly he changed to every 3weeks visits. The next woman who he bi$%hed about how her sons steals, breaks stuff in the house, pretty much her son commits domestic violence against his mum. The ex didnt want the kids to meet them so supervised visits continued as they were. He ended up leaving that relationship. He started doing great. Taking meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD. Started seeing a regular pyschologist. He genuinely started to get mentally better.

Great, some direction right?! Though some of his choices werent the best though. He had a female housemate that has a warrant out for her arrest for stealing his stuff and pawning it. As well as stealing his older kids stuff. He knew she had a drug problem she claimed she was clean. Guess who wasnt clean. He has introduced his older kids to a dufferent lady he called crazy. They slept together and she started demanding he call and talk to her during visits. Demanded he change his relationship status on fb. Profile to include her. Just possessive and unhinged. He wasnt even dating this woman. This was a fuck frienf ge introduced to his teen sons. I mean trying to explain you cant expose young children to these types of people especially if your not doing well falls on deaf ears. So still no unsupervised visits.

This is the basic non in depth story unfortuneately. He has done worse. Anyway since he was doing well he helped me move, cut toxic people he knew he shouldnt mess with, i started trusting him with the kids unsupervised. Then he said something to me that unnerved me. He told me how he has/had been googling how to kill himself. What drugs to take so even if he was found, he knew he would die anyway. He says to me "so i know what drug to take, how much to take and where to get it from to commit suicide. Even if im found i know im dead". He said he did it before i left him unsupervised with the kids, but i cant ve sure. Man i feel so much parental guilt for leaving the kids with a man that quite possible commit suicide and they could be the ones to find him. This is now a fear of mine. I stopped unsupervised visits again. In the mean time he stopped his psychologist appts. He had a regular every 3week appt booked. Now gone. He was doing like charity runs and stuff in the community for mental health he isnt. He has a new gf of 4mths(now) but he moved her in with him straight away. Dont get me wrong she could be a nice lady. But my kids arent there to see her, she isnt responsible for our kids, nor have they even met this woman yet. He has no idea and jumps into stuff without even thinking.
After I stopped the unsupervised visits, his ex dropped her son off to me as i live closer tk her and the ex was coming to see the younger kids. She informed me he had been telling his 15yr old mentally delayed son(he is a few yrs behind his physical age) that he wanted to kill himself. She said it was a few weeks earlier. Now add on even bigger parental guilt. If he slips back mentally could he tell our younger kids(10 and 6) he is going to kill himself. Even if he doesnt do it. What are the repercussions on the kids?!?! Skip to a few mths and now he is asking to have the kids over night next week for school holidays. Its been well oh god id say a good 2yrs since he has done that and that was before all this other stuff.

Im legitmately lost in this. How do I tell him no? We have no court orders he failed mediation for not turning up? I just dont know what to do? Excuse the long story. There is honestly a lot more to this but this is the current wtf am i doing.

Posted in:  Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Men's Business, Being a Dad, Relationships, Kids, Teenagers

13 Replies

Anonymous

No I would not allow it.
Next time you meet a man with three kids to three different women, don’t have more kids with him and run in the opposite direction.

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Anonymous

You say hell no.
Tell him to do everything he needs to do through court and starting with supervised visits and see how things go. Reassure him for the kids best interest nothing will happen fast and he will have plenty of time to prove himself and try to rebuild a solid relationship.

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Anonymous

His eldest ones mother pricked the condom to fall pregnant, the 2nd childs mother admitted they were having relationship issues so spat the pill out to fall pregnant to fix their relationship and the last sons mother the condom split. I knew him a long time before dating him. I dont think thats fair to hold against him.

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Anonymous

I think you're not thinking straight.
You should be angry at him and this shouldn't even be a question. Of course the children can't go with him.

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Anonymous

Is that the pregnancy stories he gave you about all the kids mothers ? Sounds like he thinks nothing is ever his fault. What a toxic human being .

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Anonymous

I actually know the mothers and they admit it for themselves to me. He used to watch the 2nd childs mother take the pill and she would go and spit it out after he walked away because he didnt want to go down that path. He can bea genuinely decent person. When he is mentally on track the eldest both admitted to doing it to tie themselves to him. Hence why said i didnt hold it against the father for getting into that situation.

Anyway thats off track. Ofcourse im angry doesnt mean I am not lost as what to do. I want him to actually get better. If i say no,what if he takes the kids without consent cause he loses it. How the hell do you deal with someone you allow access but not overnights?

He tells i have no rights to question his mental stability or how he is. He doesnt have to prove anything to me. But i believe i have the right to make sure my kids go to a safe environment.

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Anonymous

Still in the fog, until you admit he wasn’t a good partner choice, you’ll relive it with the next loser.
Five children to four woman, come on now, you don’t see a pattern of dysfunction?
Sounds like a dysfunctional man with dysfunctional women in toxic relationships.
Who watches their partners take birth control? Pfff...no trust equals no relationship. A stable person would walk away.
Wake up!

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Anonymous

Because your job is to look after the welfare of your children. Not to give them up out od guilt or emotional manipulation from him (having them or not is not the causr or ezcuse for any of his issues or threats).
You get to decide, and considering his record, what.theyve been through already, and his suicidal thoughts recently, you set that bar really really high.

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Anonymous

You and the other mum need to go to the police and tell them what his been saying... they will get him to the hospital to hopefully be kept there til his mental stability improves immensely! You also need to get a lawyer and some court orders in place so he can’t just take the kids!

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Anonymous

No,I would not allow over nights. Just say no, like you have been doing. When he is ready for overnights he can organise mediation.
Now you need to go get yourself sorted mental health wise. You sound overwhelmed and your kids need one mentally well parent.

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Anonymous

Man some people are so feral it astounds me lol

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Anonymous

This is so much drama! I think it would be beneficial for you to see someone ie Counsellor or psychologist to process your feelings in a unbiased and professional manner.
I don’t think you have done anything wrong but there is so much here I really think you could use the support!

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Anonymous

You say to him straight out that while he's not seeing his psych and has been talking about suicide you can not trust him with the kids over night. He is more that welcome for supervised visits but you can't allow over night at this point.

My dad told me when I was 10 that he was going to kill himself and how..... all because mum left him.... he had used that to control her and get her to stay. She cut all contact after that. I'm now 35. I remember it clearly. I can tell you where we were and his exact working. I promise you it'll affect your kids even being around him. It's not a nice thing to be around parents that are unstable.

You sound like you're am amazing women. Be proud of yourself.

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