This is probably more of an observation than a question but here goes...
*I will also preface this by saying it is not aimed at any particular question posted to this page, it's a general observation from things I have seen/experienced either online or in real life.
Almost every parent you could ask would tell you they wouldn't tolerate their child being a bully, being mean or somehow unkind. Yet when push comes to shove, so many parents are completely unwilling to beleive their child would or could ever do something like that. I mean, I get it - we all love our children to an inexplicable level, I think we're all capable at times of being biased and perhaps naively and blindly beleive our children when deep down we know that their version of events don't quite add up but I have just seemed to notice with pretty much all of my friends and family or even random people I come into contact with in general, that this is a pretty common trend to the point it's a bit ridiculous.
This behaviour from what I have seen is either dismissed and unacknowledged or it's excused or minimised by finding a way to blame the victim or someone else who may have been involved. Personal accountability is a skill that so many kids/teens and even adults are lacking. I can't help but wonder if this is partly why?
Just as one example:
One of my children was involved in an incident at school recently, she did the wrong thing. I am under no illusions that my child is perfect. She faced consequences at school and then again at home with us. Frustratingly, she was not the only child involved but because their parents exhibited aforementioned behaviour, there was excuses and even straight up lies to get their kids out of the shit. These other kids faced no consequences, my daughter faced full consequences (which I fully support) and the victim was blamed and essentially called a liar.
My daughter learnt a valuable lesson from all this, i fear that these other children also learnt a lesson, the wrong kind. I really feel these parents have robbed their children of a learning experience that would help them make better choices going forward.
I also can't help but wonder what the victim learnt in all this too, most likely that speaking up is useless.
So I put this to any parents/guardians reading. Do you just talk the talk when it comes to bullying and nastiness or do you walk the walk as well?
Just to add, I'm really not looking for a debate with this but I do hope that people can take something away from my post, even if it just makes you stop and think about things a little.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
10 Replies
It's a really touchy subject and I think we will all have such differing opinions. Now days, it's hard to even distinguish what is and isn't bullying in a lot of cases because the world is so precious.
You can't look at someone the wrong way without them claiming bullied, say the wrong thing or make a joke (even in good humour) without being labelled a bully.
For each individual scenario I will assess my punishments and how I retaliate towards my child regarding said bullying. It would have to be in my view physical or harassment online etc. for it to mean I step in. Not just slight "jane is plain" type of shit or pulled a mean face at them.
"Now days, it's hard to even distinguish what is and isn't bullying in a lot of cases because the world is so precious."
I had this conversation with my friend the other day. My 10 year old made such a fuss over someone "bullying" him one day, but his example was simply the other kid didn't agree with his idea and said lets do this instead, the other kids agreed, and off they went (he was invited to go with them). 🤦‍♀️
OP of this comment. It's sweet that your 10 year old used that as an example because I imagine that means he hasn't been exposed to true bullying in it's form, which is lovely! It's exactly why I am hesitant to label bullies and call them up on it, my cousin literally dobbed on her BEST FRIEND at school for bullying her because they were doing something at school and the friend laughed and in a joking manner said come on bitch. Said girl was called into the principal's office and was given detention. And I have seen/heard first hand so many experiences like this occurring on a regular basis.
I remember when I was younger there were so many jokes and fun happening which now days would be seen as absolute bullying but everything was light hearted and in jest, whereas these days we have to be so careful what we do or say (and the internet has a lot to blame for that).
I find it a very sad world we are living in :(
You know why parents won’t act - because at the centre of most poor behaviour is a parent who failed to teach the right thing. So before they admit their child made a mistake they have to be willing to admit they did too
So freaking wise!
Not always. I teach the right thing and I would absolutely call my child out. But I'm not delusional to think that my child might do the wrong thing at some point in their life because they have free will and their own insecurities to deal with too.
Where do children develop insecurities, values and moral codes?
I worked in a High School as an EA for 5 years and I found that all persistent bullies had at least one parent or guardian like you described! Their child could do absolutely no wrong and they would take only their childs account of what happened on board and then voice that story as undoubted truth. They will fight with the school because of how unfair it is their innocent child has been accused or punished for something they couldn't possibly have done. They treat their child like a victim and the child acts like one. Punishments at school do not work for these kids because the child is not learning anything from it except that they can and should be able to do what they like without being punished for it. Kids of parents who are a little more clued on to their own kids behaviour generally only need to get into trouble a few times to learn from it. Frustrating and almost fascinating to watch parents ruin their kids like that.
I often say that I am more afraid of my child being a bully at school over being a victim of bullying. But I hope that I guide my kids in the right direction and I hope they are bigger people to stoop as low as bullies. But I also know I can’t really control how anyone else parents their children, not just regarding bullying, but so many parental choices I can’t understand myself. And I guess that’s where the saying “not my monkeys not my circus” is pretty fitting.
I also agree with above comments about it also depending on the definition of bullying. And that the world is far too precious these days. And not only will I hopefully guide my children to be kind, considerate and respectful children. I also hope they are resilient to have a bucket load of self-worth and not let those little things get to them.
If my son or daughter say they don't like someone I ask why. And then I remind them that no matter whether that child is mean or naughty or lies or is rude or is just weird, they are not to forget that even if they aren't friends, I expect that they will always be kind.